I Feel a Rant Coming On.....

"My life is easy" said daughter, if only she knew.

 I love my children more then anything in the world, but they are driving me insane;  OK just one is driving me insane... that is my oldest. She is nine,  moody, and unreasonable, ughh...  i thought the whole teenage thing did not start till they turned thirteen, right?!?!

I lost my motivation, I think it might be playing hide and seek. And with no motivation I have no want to look for it. Also daughter is not helping, good god of all... how the hell am I supposta survive tweens and teens? I have 3 girls...one after the other and the other. I could say it is karma, but I was of little trouble for my mom. I am prob getting my sister brunt of mama karma. Just not fair!!

I am needing a break from motherhood, I feel less and less like an adult every day....I get to read all the wonderful blogs out there and get a taste of what it is to be an adult. Yet not so much in my life. If I have to watch one more episode of the many horrid Disney shows out  there, I think i might go completely insane.

Insane I tell ya, insane in the membrane...


Yep!" My life is easy", said daughter.

Mama Karma is a bitch, said mom

Watch my middle who causes me little problem will get mama karma. So not fair.

An Award, Gosh, Golly, Gee an Award for Me.

I have been nominated for the first time, for anything lol... the very inspiring Bloggers Award by  Tori at Pain is Pleasure  and Mrs. D at A New Chapter. Thank you Tori and Thank you Mrs. D, I am utterly honored. 

Rules:

1. Display the award logo on your blog  

2. Link back to the person who nominated you 

3. State 7 things about yourself 

4. Nominated 15 other bloggers for this award & link to them 

5. Notify those bloggers & the award's requirements 

I will forgo # 4 and # 5 I feel every blog I read is very inspiring. So keep on writing, keep on inspiring. 

7 things about me:

1. I am petite not short... just petite.

2. I am the youngest of four children 

3. I have very blue eyes

5. I am painfully shy, until I get to know you then I never shut up

6. I am very passionnant, and tend to rant. ( my dad says I need to get a soap box to stand on, he so old school... that is what blogs are for lol)

7. I am afraid of heights, but if I am up high somewhere, I am always tempted to look over, and almost always do...even though my hart races, I start to sweat and my tummy turns. 

The Ever Running Mind of Madness

acceptance:

not looking too much into what others think:

holding on to false perceptions:

looking for something that does not exist:

moving on:

letting go:

being just to be:

understanding:

Constantly searching for answers:

Questioning everything:

Learning to just relearn again:

On we go:

Will we ever know?

I wish I could just quiet my mind; it goes and goes, even in my dreams... I cannot escape my constant thinking and then over thinking.

Can't run away, it just follows, it is always there...echoing every word I have ever heard, questioning every answer I have ever known.

I have tried a lullaby to lull my mind into quiet, but my mind is too clever to fall for such a trick.

I have tried to numb it with too much wine, but wine won't do for my mind is much stronger than that of wine.

Oh and there were other substances that would quiet it for a bit, but then put my mind into confusion and confusion only led to more thoughts, thoughts of dread.

So I took to writing, though my mind still is going and going at a fast pace; my mind has finely found an outlet to sort out some of the chaos, and ease some of the dread. 

Who Am I?

Art by M.C. Escher 1960

  I have a darkness about me; it travels with me wherever I go...it is always in mind and thought. I have always had this darkness even as a child. It is protective; it wraps me with in warmth of power. This darkness is evident, but yet does not define me as a human. There are the defiant demons that grow restless in my head, that lead me at times to dread, but they enlighten me, and then they lead me to a brighter place.

  I have a lightness about me; it travels with me wherever I go... it is always in mind and thought. I have always had this lightness even as a child. It is protective; it wraps me with in coolness of fragility. This lightness is evident, but yet does not define me as a human. There are the obedient angles that bring content in my head, that leads me at times to tranquility, but they confuse me, and then they lead me to a more obscure place.

Sometimes the two mingle together, dark within the light… angels dancing with the demons, and in those times I feel  whole.

My Take On Sadism

Sadism 

I have been wanting to write a post on sadism for some time, and no time like the present to do it.

I feel  a sadist has it harder then a masochistic does, it is look down upon society even more so then that of a masochist   

I feel often when someone hear sadism, they think of horrific humans that commit horrific crimes ageist humanity... and there are such people but to lump it all in one category is bias.

Here is my brake down.

You have your sociopath sadist, who lacks any empathy... who does things for the pure pleasure that he/she seeks for self.

You have sadist that have other mental issues, or low self esteem, they are capable of empathy but lack any self control

Then there are the sadist who are well rounded, they are capable of self control, and are empathetic.

The latter of the three seek the companionship of a willing partner, the latter of the three are capable of compassion and care.

I have heard of true Sadism, I guess it is that compassion and sadism do not go hand in hand... I do not get that way of thinking. I feel as with in life there are varying degrees in how things can be defined. The definition in its self could be seen as vague, but in my opinion it is pretty straight forward.

 sa·dism  

Noun The tendency to derive pleasure, esp. sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. (in general use) Deliberate cruelty. Now nothing is spoken of lack of compassion, or empathy. It bugs me so much because I feel as I read other blogs that a lot of times sadist seem to be to hard on themselves. Compassion can go along with sadistic desires; you can care for the one you hurt as long as you have the consent there is nothing wrong at all with fulfilling the need inside.  Also as a masochistic I need to know that the sadist cares, it makes it all the more magical....all the more passionate and meaningful.    Now I need to feel that way about being a masochist lol

Oh Me, Oh My... It is Cold Outside.

I did good with my goals last week, though I sorta blew it over the weekend...but nobody is perfect. My start to this week was not a good one. The girls being out of school Monday, and all of us having a little cold has left me on the lazy side, feeling tired and out of sorts.

I redeemed myself slightly yesterday, and today I am off to a good start. I just have to keep it up, and stop making excuses to not do what needs to be done. I am very perficient at making excuses.

Still have not called my mom, I am a bad daughter... and I hope karma does not catch up with me on that one.

I am growing restless in the not dating for now goal, and would like to get back into the dating scene, but I think I would be doing it for the wrong reasons (ok i know i will be doing it for the wrong reasons). My reasons right now are I am bored and horny. My sex drive has been quite insatiable, and  pleasing myself is just not doing it... if you all know what I mean. So what is a girl to do?

And the cookies with coffee in the AM is not working as well as I planned, yet again nobody is perfect. My new excuse... "thank you nobody"
.



 

Admitting I Need/Want.

Was a long weekend, so happy kiddos are back in school... I love the sleeping in, but not the noise. I like my me time.

I spent some time thinking about what being submissive means to me, now that was able to experience it first hand...get a taste of it in a more meaningful context, not just in my mind or a quick fling. I have been able to reflect and put in a deeper perspective.

I am struggling though with it, asking myself what is it that I wanted.  What is it that I gave, what I was willing to give. It is kinda scary, in the wrong hands it could be detrimental to my emotional well being. I am strong, but how strong am I? How much could I take before I brake, could I ever truly be open enough to allow another to take me there?

I also realize that love plays a big part of it for me, I don't know if I could give so much to someone who puts little concern into me. Does that make me less submissive, because I do want more? Can you do it without love?

I thought at first I could put my emotions aside, that I was invincible, stronger...but started to realize that I could not. That at the end of the day I am a big softy, I want more, want to be held, want to be wanted and most of all want to need someone. That for me is a hard pill to swallow.  I pride myself on not needing anyone but me... I pride myself on being independent.

It sucks to admit that I need more than me, to me it feels as if I am weak. It sucks to want, and not be able to give myself what I want. It sucks, just SUCKS!!!... all around not a pleasant feeling. Yet I am learning to be honest with myself and part of that is admitting my weakness; although I don't consider it a weakness... though it does interfere with my well being so in essences it is a weakness. SUCKS!!! I tell ya just sucks!!

I need to be honest with me; I need to learn to trust me, and to trust me I need to be honest.  Honest about my feelings, honest about what I can, cannot handle....and admitting that I need, is a good start.

I think I might of went of topic.
Ohh.. Hell, I always go off topic.

Cold and Distant

I had a wonderful conversation with a man I dated before Sir....it was very pleasant he was able to help me see something’s I may have not been able to see in myself. He was honest and upfront which I know was hard for him,(he likes to tell me what he thinks I want to hear)...so it was refreshing for me to have him open up.

He pointed out a couple of things that he felt I needed to work on, he mentioned that I could be cold, and distant. He also thinks that I should be doing more with my life. I guess being a stay at home mom is not living up to my potential, and I don't know what that potential could possibly be. But he was honest whether I liked it or not, and for that I appreciate his frankness.

Cold and distant?

I am sure he is not the first to think of me that way, I don't mean to be cold, and I don't mean to be distant. It just happens, I get scared of emotion, I push so I don't have to change... so I can stay comfortable ... numb.

Numbness allows me to not have to face up to change, to not accept feelings for what I am... to go on living just to die. I guess the question I should ask myself is comfort worth the coldness inside? Is it so hard to let someone see you for all you are? And I answer Yes, why yes it is.

My shell has served me well, and yes I am petrified of moving out of it, it makes me nervous... what if I crash and burn? What if the world goes Ka- boom... what if I fall, I fail? What if I can't put the pieces back together again like humpty-dumpty??? It could happen; I mean really... it could happen!!!  

Though logic knows better, probability is it won't and I will survive...I have before, it was not fun but I survived and became better for it. It is unfortunate that a tragedy can make you grow so much, and make you see things in a whole new light.

Yet I hold on to my comfy shell, I stay cold; I stay distant.   

Where I am at with Goals.

I had a wonderfully lazy weekend and I enjoy every second of it with out a bit of guilt. Now I have lots of chores to catch up on but I am OK with that, well worth a good lazy weekend.

 I feel I am getting closer to a good point, closer to an understanding of myself. I have made a few positive changes, I have been working hard on expressing my feelings, and thus far it has been a positive experience. I have been trying harder at easing my anxiety as well, I have been drawing, and  it has been a wonderful tool; it also gives me a sense of accomplishment. Also I have been working on the knowledge of knowing that it is a process not a race. One thing at a time, so not to pressure myself, fail, and than give up.

My goal this week is going to do with house chores, to find a way to split them up so I do not feel overwhelmed by all I have to do. I tend to get overwhelmed and give up, throw the towel in per say...but hopefully with finding a good balance I will be able to get more done, with less stress.

I am holding off on the simplest of all my goals and that is calling my Mama. How can something so simple make the hart race, anxiety go through the roof ...and the overwhelming feeling of dread? Something about my mother that makes me always feel like a child, she always knows how to make me feel small. I truly do not believe she does it on purpose. I am realizing as getting older that my mom lacks a brain to mouth filter but even with that knowledge her opinions of me still hit like a fist to the jaw. But I must add that sometimes talking to her can be very uplifting it is I just don't know what I will get with her...so I will tell myself " it is a process, one little step at a time". All better :)

Sir

I have come to terms with the brake up between Sir and I...

I have validated my own feeling, realizing that is what I needed, that it was OK that I felt hurt, I felt let down and quite frankly abandon, which led to feeling of being a bit upset... maybe a little mad.

I also realize that his intentions were not to do any of said above things. I know he is a good man and as I have said in an other post that I could see the goodness it in his eyes, and eyes don't lie.

I do hope nothing but the best for him, I hope he can find the strength to heal from the pain of love lost. I hope he can see with clarity all he has to offer, and all he deserves from a lover. I also hope he does not hold on to her longer then he should, for I know all to well how that can close your eyes to the right person at the right time.

I wish I could of told him that, but it would of come off condescending at that time,  just was not the right time.

I also have to say, now looking at it from a distance... I am happy that I have met him, I am happy that I got to explore  my submissive side, and my masochistic side with him (he was definitely the right man to go there with). I am also in hopes he feels the same about me, I hope he does not have any regrets regarding our relationship; as I do not.

I need to write this down, I need to put it out there, though I know he won't be reading it...it is good to put it to words to pretend that he is, just so I could get the feel that everything is alright.

lazy...

To write or not to write...
Not to write. 

The song of the day is....drum roll.... The Lazy Song!!!

Accepting that I Am a Pain Slut.

I need and want to write a post on masochism, it has been one part of me that I have a hard time accepting. I try to put it aside in my mind, but my thoughts keep going to it. I realize that is a very big part of my sexuality, it has been with me for as long as I can remember, even as a child...than  more as I hit puberty.

Often I try to find a reason behind it, maybe it was the something that happened when I was young, though I highly doubt it; not all girls that were introduced to sex act at a young age become masochistic. Maybe it was because of my parents’ divorce at a young age, though I doubt that to, I was too young to know the difference. And again, I am not the only child to have gone through a divorce. So many questions I have asked myself and the answer all come up blank.

  

Now the part where I accept me for me; I enjoy pain, I enjoy humiliation in the right circumstances (that one needs to be played with carefully),  it turns me on, makes me wet, makes me weak in the knees, takes me away, then pulls me back...I get tremendous satisfaction from pain/humiliation. 

I tend to like a lot of it, and sometimes that scares me, sometimes I fear I will push one to far...for some reason when I am in that head space, I can be quite aggressive, and ask for more and more and more. Luckily thus far I have ether come across men that could not go that far, or even close (I would get disappointed, and I let it be known), and I was also very lucky with Sir, he was able to not let it escalate to a point of no return, but still leave me satisfied.

It is hard for me to say, to admit how much I like/love- pain/humiliation.

It is even harder to ask, to find someone to accept me, without being scared out their mind (the wtf look) 

It is hard for me to even write down, what I like, even to people I don't know.

It is nice to find an accepting community in blog land, where I don't feel as judged... (And know most of my feelings of being judged are based on my own insecurities with admitting my kink). It is comforting with the openness in which others express themselves, with such honesty, such beauty in thought.

I am in hopes that I can do that as well, I know  it will be hard, but I feel it might be worth the journey.

Choices

Choices are mine; mine to make, and i make choices based on my needs or my perceived needs, my wants or perceived wants.

Choices are made every day, what to wear, where to go, even how to get there.

Choices are how i choose to react to others; i can chose to be defiant,  i can chose to be grumpy, angry  sad... or maybe i can choose to be compliant, to be content, pleased, happy... ether which way they are mine and mine alone.

Choices can be easy to make or choices can be hard to make. Sometimes i make the wrong choices, sometimes the right choices... ether which way they are mine and mine alone.

Sometimes perceived wrong choices turn out to be right, sometimes perceived right choices turn out to wrong. But they are mine and mine alone... and i can say byond a reasonable doubt that every choice i have made thus far has made me what i am today...so many lessons i have learned with every choice i have made.

Now i am coming to terms with me, with who i am, and who I want to be. There are so many choices to make along the way; the wrongs, rights and all the in- between. So many lessons to learn with each choice i make, and with each choice i make i become a better me.

Rape...

I am sicken with our justice system, I am sicken with boys who think drunk girls are free game, I am sicken that rape victims are treated as if they were the ones who comminuted a crime. It is time for us as society to stop blaming girls, stop putting all the control on the girls... stop using the saying "oh well boys will be boys".

 If a girl dresses provocative  oh she wants to be fucked, she wants to be degrade  cut down, diminished as a human being, if a girl gets drunk then she is asking for it... but boys oh no, they get drunk, well again "boys will boys be boys". I am tired that the system still justified rape... oh than we have politicians who act as if rape is on the girl, its an excuse for a girl to get an abortion because you know "a girl cant get pregnant if she is raped". What is next?

 Again diminish the responsibility of boys, lets say that they have no ownership of their actions, just keep up letting the creeps get away with mistreating girls, and what does that say, it says boys have every right to fuck any drunk girl any girls that dresses provocative I say it is time for boys to take RESPONSIBILITY !! for their actions. Drunk or not, dressed provocative or not, hey even if the girl likes it rough, or likes multiple partners, or is consider a slut... whatever... does not mean she asked for it. A girl has a choice, all times has a choice...she is not public property, she is a human being worth every bit of respect.

Boys need to become men. I always thought that a man was the protractor not perpetrator  that is how my mom brought up my brother.. and he is a loving and doting husband.

Where is it that parents are going wrong? Why are men not teaching their sons to respect women, to see their value? I feel it is time in this country,  a country of the free, a supposed country that has high morels and values, to stand up for our daughters, our sisters, our mothers, and so on.

You may be asking yourself what causes such a rant, this does.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/17/sports/high-school-football-rape-case-unfolds-online-and-divides-steubenville-ohio.html?pagewanted=all

/http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/17/sports/high-school-football-rape-case-unfolds-online-and-divides-steubenville-ohio.html?pagewanted=all

Working on Me

With Sir I learned quite a bit about myself, I learned that I can feel byond sex, that I can give more, I found peace with my submissive. I also learned I need to let the right man in my life, and not chase the unavailable so I don't have to comment byond sex, it becomes empty and quite meaningless.

I also realize I need to come to terms with the loss of my other half. I can't keep a hold of him, I can always love him but I need to move on, not just for me but for my wonderful loving daughters. They deserve to see mommy happy. It is no longer my cross to bear, I need to drop that cross and start the next book.

I am a work in progress, so much I need to work on, not change just to make me better. I know what I have to offer, I know the kind of woman I am.

 My confidence has changed quite a bit over years, my negativity, my self worth  of my teens and twentys has taken a turn. I realize now all the years I felt worthless, and ugly were an utter wast of time. I look back on pictures of me and wonder what i was thinking, I was not ugly, or worthless, I was stunning. It is a shame it took me 37 years to realize what I had but at least  now I can  acknowledge and move on.

 I am by no means perfect, but like I said I am a work in progress. I have some body hang ups, but know I need to be forgiving for I have had 3 baby's, back to back, to back, unfortunately my tummy did not bounce back but now I have boobs, it is a trade off lol

It is time for me to organize and prioritize. I will not jump into dating for now, I need to rethink, rethink what I am willing to put forth, and I need to work on asking for what I want and need. I am sometimes to compliant, to eager to please. Now I know a man must earn what I can give, I am worth more then a fuck.

Knowing that I am deserving of more is freeing, but sometimes my sex drive gets in the way... work in progress, small steps, one at a time... I can do it, I can be more. I need to be selfish right now, take care of me before I step forward and give of myself.

Now I will to take a step back I need to rethink, I need to find clarity in my chaos. I shall set a plan in place, and follow through.

This is a year of positive change, of becoming who I truly am, inside and out.

My Muddled Thoughts

I am lost, I have a million ideas running about my head but none are coherent enough to make any sense let alone put down in words. I need to get out of this roundabout, this rut I put myself in. I need to follow through on what I say, but time seems to get away from me, before I know it the idea goes away, and I forgot what I was going to do, or what I might say.

I should jot down my ideas but by the time I find a pen and paper the thought or idea, and or plans all leave or become confusing, not as well thought out as I thought at first. Confusion is nothing new, it is my way of life... you would think I find some order in my confusion, though that would leave confusion out...and I am thinking confusion would not like that. See my incoherent thoughts "MAKES NO SENSE" yet I still went with it, Oh well.

Focus, focus, focus!!!

I love reading all the blogs out there in blog land, I learn so much... I get to read about so many accepting wonderful women. I get to read about how others deal with submitting, about all the fun they have with their other half. Such wonderful story's and different perspectives on what it is to be submissive, the battles and struggles inside the ups and downs, and most of all the happiness when something new is realized. When one has a eureka moment, how wonderful

Each story parallel and intertwines with others but yet each is unique.  Each is uniquely their own, every women uniquely their own, and their Sir or Masters unique. The commonality is wanting something seemingly pure, (yes I used pure to describe TTWD) some kind order with in chaos, some sort or meaning, a bond, a deeper understanding of oneself, of one’s significant other, a deeper spiritual understanding that comes with trusting another human, putting faith in someone, knowing that they will honor you as you them. Nothing can be purer than that. At least that is what I think and my thinking can be fuddled at times.

There are my thoughts for the day, incoherent and all. 

Now mothering duty is being called upon, my imps beckon me to serve lol