Masochism and Control

 I have been thinking since after my first cane beating, how my masochism and stubbornness can be a dangerous combination.

I tend to hold off on calling yellow, I hold off even more calling red. I have to prove I can take more and then even more.

I have to prove it to myself; I have to prove to him. And it hurts, and I cry but I try to keep my tears hidden, I bite my lip, I scream out inside so he cannot hear me. But that is what he is working towards, my tears, my screams of agony, which is what he feeds from as a sadist.

 Now I know he does not want it to go to the point of no return, nor do I. But it is so hard to hold back, so hard for me to not have a smirk on my face, to smile at him as he is hurting me, challenging him in every way possible, fighting for control, not wanting to give it away, and trying to take his away.

Why, as a submissive do I fight control when in a darker scene? Are my masochistic needs stronger than my submission to him?

I push, and push, I love to push it gives me great satisfaction to see the darkness is his eyes. Does that make me as sadistic as he?

I fear at times I will push him over the edge, though he says he has control at all times. But what if one day I do push him to the point where he loses control. Mind you he is a big guy and I know he can do serious harm to me with little effort. But yet, I push.

Is it fear in which I seek? Maybe that is it, it is in the fear.

Taking Me To Another Place

This is a story of Consent/Non Consent, it may be disturbing to some.

 

  Kids are on vacation, I get to write on my blog, catch up with friends, and have some peace and quiet...not so sure how I am liking the peace and quiet right now, just a tad too quiet.

Everything is going phenomenal with J, I could not ask for a better Dom at this point in my life. We are building things up slowly. We had a first real intense scene a couple of weeks back, that was the most intense I have had as far as being pushed to the edge. He took me to a place in my head that I did not think could be dragged out of me, even wondered if I had it in me. I did.

We decided to do a consent/ non consent scene. I was not sure how that would work with me being so submissive... to my amazement it worked.  He brought the feisty Irish out of me, and the bull headed Pollock I try to deny...not necessarily convince others.  

The scene started off with me entering the hotel room with notes telling me what to do, he not being there at all. I did what the notes told me to do and waited for him, wondering what he had planned, but trying not to think too much.

He entered the room, no hello, no hug, no kiss...just business, one of his notes was not clear so I did not do it and he was a bit frustrated with that, though he realized how I could get confused. So together we but on restraints and as soon as that was done he took over. It was somewhat shocking to me to see him so aggressive right away, I was slightly taken aback. He had only showed me that side once because I called him out on it, and he showed me, I knew he had it in him but not to that intensity.

He pulled my by the hair, put me where he wanted me...called me a few not so nice names. Slapped me in the face a few times slowing getting me into that head space, I so desired to be. He forced me to go down on him, to take his cock in my mouth to suck, swallow and gag. Got me close to one of my biggest fears with TTWD and that is throwing up. Me no like that, not one little bit. I was able to hold back.

He then had me go lay on the bed, tummy down, and began to slap my ass, then bringing out his belt, a nice thick leather one and swung it a few times before it would land on my ass with a loud thump, me yelping out ouch and fuck, which only made him do it longer, sticking to one spot the spot which he bruised pretty bad the previous week.

After that he begin to use my body, to fuck me, and fuck me hard, while slapping me and spitting on me getting me deeper and deeper into that head space. I cried out my ass got wiped, I tried be quiet and my ass got wiped till I cried out...no cunning my way out of it, though I tried and the more I tried the more aggressive he got. The power feed was very intense, and pushing me even deeper into that head space.

He order me to fuck him on top, that gives one little girl too much control, especially when she was at the point of fighting for the control...yes he brought me to the point of breaking my submissive, he got me pissed and loathing him, he got me fighting, and doing all I could do to regain any kind of control. Then put me on top, what is more controlling than making a man cum when he is not ready. But that was not good enough I decided to continue after he came and it made him a bit uncomfortable, which gave me even more control with being on top, so I continued with a cold smirk on my face, and well that pissed him off even more. I did truly did not know I had that much fight in me, I knew I had some, but not to that extent. I kept on pushing him as I was going deeper and deeper into that head space.

He took me and threw me on my back and straddling me, slapping and spitting on me...I at one point looked at him and said "don't you fucking dear bruise my face" (by the way he wouldn't) he looked at me sternly and said "you can call out yellow" but I choose to stay definite as I was deep, deep in my head. And I was going to push and I was going to not give in....what a rush of adrenaline. Mind you he is 6'2 and about 250 a pretty big guy...but I still wanted to piss him off, to see how far he would go. He began to whip my ass with his belt; I still chose to be definite. Then a moment of "oh shit, maybe it is time to give in" one last hard whip to my feet and then my lower back, upper behind (that place fucking hurts like a bitch) and I gave in...and I was crying, and laughing, and thinking maybe laughing is not a good thing at this time; so I hid my head and shut down to that comfy place in my head.

He lay back up by the pillows of the bed, asked me nicely to come up with him. I did not want to, I was too much in my head space and loathing him. But I did anyway. He talked me down, respecting my boundaries...letting me be, making sure I was alright. Getting me to hate him less, getting me to soften up. I was struggling with crying and laughing all at the same time. I started to get out of my head space, warming up to him, and was lovey, dovey with in a split second.

After all was said and done, I loved it. I trusted that he would not take me any further then I could handle and he did that. I did want to go deeper, but realized that the scene ended when it needed to end. It built a higher level of trust with him, and showed me he is as dark as me but capable of assessing the scene, and knowing when to end it.

We did try again to do a dark scene Wednesday  but it did not work out so well, we started out lovey, dovey and ended up joking around way too much with me doing most of the joking around...which did end up leaving me with a very black and blue behind.

It is safe to say, I am up to doing that again...and upon re reading that I am questioning my sanity. lol 

All is Going Well.

Busy, hot summer.

I have been with J for over a month now, we have fallen into a nice pattern. I am feeling more secure with the consistency of the relationship. I am trying to not let my over active spinning mind get the best of me, and just enjoying what I have in the present.

We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday, and had a fantastic time.

Are dynamic tends to fall into a soft, hard...easy, intense pattern. We suit each other well, very complementary, his Dom/sadistic to my sub/masochistic. Though at times I find I can not handle as much pain with him as I did in previous relationships, and this has me baffled. I am always bordering on yellow, and even calling out red, this is unlike me. Then after all is said and done, I wish I would've taken more. But in the moment I can't seem to bear it...it could be that he likes to hit every most painful spot he can find on me, it could be that he is quite relentless, and his hand never seems to get tired. It could be that every time I get comfortable and am at the brink of escaping he brings me back, going harder and repetitive in the same spot but not long enough to make that spot numb.

Well I ask for a sadistic sadist (I know you can't get anymore sadistic than that of a sadist) and that is what I got. I am not complaining I love that he is as fierce and as unforgiving as he is, I would be more disappointed if he bent to me, and gave into my every small whimper.  

I have learned not to challenge him, unless I can take the challenge. He will indeed show me, and will do with little to no mercy. He is quite cocky, I usually do not like cocky but he wears it well...just enough humbleness to get away with it.

To top it off, he is incredibly kind, caring and loving. His tenderness is just as intense as his fierceness. He adores my snaky side as much as my loving side, it is nice that I am
able to show him more depth than I have with any other in a long time.

It is nice to have finally found some consistency, I feel very fortunate  to have found him, though I did not think I would find it on fet, but stranger things have happened.

I Got to Top, Little Ole' Me Topping.

Sleeping in is sleeping in and I so do love to sleep.

I hate when I do not want to write, I don't want to write because things are going well, and if I write things are going well then somehow, I don't know how...things will somehow fall down all around. But I hate that I only write when things are not so good, what is the point to have only documented that of the bad and not the good.

I think I am done now with the nonsense rambling, I think?

Things are  wonderful with new Dom, I feel super content, wanted, needed, cared for, everything wonderful that one can hope for. I know I should continue to date but as of now I feel no need for it, I feel it would only complicate and confuse me.

But I still remain talking to a couple of the guys I have met through dating. The man I was talking with who was polly and submissive, we ended up going to the dungun together (as friends) tis fun trying to get two subbies together.... Which you wanna do? what do you want to do? No what do you want to do? I don't know? What are you thinking of? I don't know, what are you thinking of?...Yep can be a long night lol

So with that being said, that is kind of how our night started off down at the dungun. He wanted so badly to meet a Domme, I kept asking him what he wanted from a dommie all I got a lot of uncertainty (subs are a pain in the ass, I have been scratching my head as to wondering why Doms even deal with us lol) finally I got him thinking or he got me thinking....but I throw the offer out there again that I would be more than happy to Top him in the me playing the sadistic manner, if that is what he was looking for. He finally took up my offer. And I was more than up for it after teasing me that I could not put enough umph to cause him any pain. I so loathe when people underestimate my size.

I went and picked out a few implements, as he got undressed and laid on the table. I was a bit unsure of myself... worrying I would either be to gentil, or to hard. I started off with a few gentil tosses with a flogger and got a little more aggressive, maybe a bit too much so I was asked to tone it down. I did, it was not as much fun toned down, so I choose one of the other implements. A thick leather swatty thingy, it had a good thump, and loud crack to it. Also left his back a nice pinky/red color, then I went to a thinner brown leather thingy that had a super nice slapy sound, and leaving some sweet welts. He laid back as if in a massage parlor, every now and then I would get a good hard whack to get a reaction or grimace from him, then he would ask me to slow down, I reminded him that he is lucky he is starting off with a sub, a Domme would not be so giving lol. Not saying it was easy for me, he was kinda pissing me off, I wanted to say "Man it up" but seeing as the both of us are learning I thought better of it.

It was nice, I truly enjoyed beating his back...making it red, and welted and to top it I gave him a few little bruises. I am  kinda proud of myself, it is nice to know I can bring that aspect of me out, and not fear of hurting someone who would not want otherwise. It was also nice to know I could bring someone else to a happy/content state of mind. I am looking forward to bringing him even further into the bliss that pain can bring. But I also know that the closest to Domming anyone would be through pain, I could not do any sexule domming. Good thing for him and I, neither of us are looking for that aspect. Happy, happy, joy, joy all around.

I am looking forward to seeing where this may or may not go, I think he is as well.

 

A Vary Interesting Saturday Night Date

Welcome to the Dungeon 

I have been talking to this guy for a few days, we were chatting on the phone about religion, politics all the stuff you should not chat about when you are first start talking to someone but HELL I am not conventional. As always when one is chatting with a guy, sex will be brought up (i never, ever bring up sex when chatting) *says grinning mischievously*... he told me about a sex club he went to in our down town area, then somehow my pain fetish was brought about and he told me about a dungeon on the other side of this said sex club. I said "Dungeon!!" ears perked... I have never been to one, and have wanted to go to one, even before my getting involved in this TTWD.

And so first date was a dungeon...how unconventional am I?

I so want to do this, so, so very much.

But this guy is vanilla;  I think he would of been happier going to the sex club, I would find it interesting to watch but not so much to participate in. Not my thing. So the dungeon it was.

It was very interesting  they had a class on canning and figging which was much fun to watch; the submissive was a feisty red head and put on a wonderful show, and her Dom enjoyed every bit of it... which was just as thrilling to watch.

The crowd was super nice, the people who run it where very friendly and open. I of course was as big eyed as can be, taking in everything I could possibly  take in. I got to talk a little with an other submissive...who for the first time Topped, and that was fun to watch. Then there was a pony who got a bit frisky with me but his owner got him in check. A traninny, who was super hot... but lack the hips to carry it completely off ... and oh my he/she could take a beating. There was an older lady on one of the hangy thingies that cuff you, and pull you slightly off the ground...mouth and eyes taped shut, she got a little torture here and there but when all was said and done, she was so relaxed and happy. And me looking on like a recovering addict craving for a little hit, wanting and needing. But the guy I was with was not going to go there. No way, no how.

I don't think he knew what to take of it, he was shocked at how loving every one was during and after. He did not have a clue on how the  dynamic works...all Hollywood's fault. He thought one got beaten and that was it. Yet  he was schooled last night.

The pony I saw was not as spooky, a bit steam pump but cuter. 

As far as my date with the guy...it was OK ..he kept on kissing on me and trying to play with my ta-ta's and it made me a bit uncomfortable, he was nice enough, I enjoyed his company, conversation and all but found him slightly annoying.

We ended up leaving around midnight and he drove me back to my car, that was at a half way point. We kissed a bit, he gave my hair a nice tug, which turns me on a lot, especially if it is good and hard, and he was good at that,making me slightly horny and as seeing it was unconventional date (which most of mine are) as is, I decided to follow him home (in hopes of at least having good sex, not great but good)

Well this is were I was like WTF just happen, I kid you not... the man put on the condom slid into me and came. What was I to say? What was I to do? I was shocked and then to top it off he asked if I came....if I came, really? I looked at him with the WTF look in my eyes" No I did not come, not even close" how the hell can one come with just a dick stuck in her pussy for less then a minute? Less then a minute!!! Shit, it took Sir quite a while to figure out how to make me come and this fool thought just because his dick was thick that it would make me automatically come. Some men have not a clue. If ya don't know how to use it or keep it up long enough to use it, it does not matter how big, thick or any other so called magical powers it may have. But what are you going to do. No second date is on the horizon.

This is what I should of done to quick draw McGraw 

So this girl was left unsatisfied, but it was worth it to go to a dungeon for the first time.


I may go back again, just need to find me a better play partner, one that can keep up with me.     

Degradation.

Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs  I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.

But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.

Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?

Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF

I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.

Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.

Accepting that I Am a Pain Slut.

I need and want to write a post on masochism, it has been one part of me that I have a hard time accepting. I try to put it aside in my mind, but my thoughts keep going to it. I realize that is a very big part of my sexuality, it has been with me for as long as I can remember, even as a child...than  more as I hit puberty.

Often I try to find a reason behind it, maybe it was the something that happened when I was young, though I highly doubt it; not all girls that were introduced to sex act at a young age become masochistic. Maybe it was because of my parents’ divorce at a young age, though I doubt that to, I was too young to know the difference. And again, I am not the only child to have gone through a divorce. So many questions I have asked myself and the answer all come up blank.

  

Now the part where I accept me for me; I enjoy pain, I enjoy humiliation in the right circumstances (that one needs to be played with carefully),  it turns me on, makes me wet, makes me weak in the knees, takes me away, then pulls me back...I get tremendous satisfaction from pain/humiliation. 

I tend to like a lot of it, and sometimes that scares me, sometimes I fear I will push one to far...for some reason when I am in that head space, I can be quite aggressive, and ask for more and more and more. Luckily thus far I have ether come across men that could not go that far, or even close (I would get disappointed, and I let it be known), and I was also very lucky with Sir, he was able to not let it escalate to a point of no return, but still leave me satisfied.

It is hard for me to say, to admit how much I like/love- pain/humiliation.

It is even harder to ask, to find someone to accept me, without being scared out their mind (the wtf look) 

It is hard for me to even write down, what I like, even to people I don't know.

It is nice to find an accepting community in blog land, where I don't feel as judged... (And know most of my feelings of being judged are based on my own insecurities with admitting my kink). It is comforting with the openness in which others express themselves, with such honesty, such beauty in thought.

I am in hopes that I can do that as well, I know  it will be hard, but I feel it might be worth the journey.