March 14, 2013


Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs  I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.

But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.

Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?

Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF

I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.

Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.


  1. This is indeed a fascinating subject and one that i have for many years been conflicted about.

    Funnily enough my latest post involves a fair bit of degredation, its something i really enjoy. There are so many thoughts i have about this post, the questions raised, and if you dont object i would like to get them down on my blog, with a link to this if you dont mind?


    1. I don't mind at all Tori, go right ahead.

      I did read your post and it gave me the courage to finely write this post. It is something that is very hard for me to talk about, let alone admit that I enjoy it so much... so thank you for giving me the courage.

  2. Anna May,
    I got to this post from the link on Tori's post. I was going to ramble there, but then decided I would come take up space here lol.
    Rest assured, you are Not the only person who has asked themselves these questions!

    "How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully?" My husband and I had a conversation about this the first time he pissed all over me.
    His response was, that the fact someone he respected so much would accept and allow something so humiliating made him respect me even more. He said something along the lines of being able to piss all over the queen and see her on the throne again the next day had a particular thrill to it lol.

    For me, it comes down to this--he can see me at my worst and treat me like crap, yet still love and respect me the next day. So there's nothing that will happen between us that could make him value me less. Because before he does something, he considers how he will feel about me afterwards.
    It strips away mental barriers that are , for me, otherwise seemingly un-breachable.

    Not sure if I'm making sense or not here! My Zen approach of the moment is not always in residence, and it is something that I do struggle with (I tend to call it humiliation, but I think that's probably just semantics lol) but when I'm not over thinking and am looking back in retrospect, that's how I feel about it.

    1. Thank you lil for your feed back, I truly do appreciate it.

      You are making perfect sense, and in the context of an on going relationship/marriage where trust and respect are well established I can get with clarity what you mean.

      I question me, I question my unwillingness to work towards the respect and trust byond a reasonable doubt. It is a process in which I rush, it is a process in which I escape, and come out doubting what I am, and why.