Degradation is the hardest for me to understand in this TTWD... the hardest for me to comprehend or look at and perceive the why of it. I am a strong woman in thought and beliefs I hate abuser and god forbid if a man would ever lay a hard hand or soft hand across my face...let alone spit at me. I think that would make me go loco and I mean loco in the big bad sorta way. Now put into being objectified, belittled, humiliated...pissed on and made to drink water like a dog, dunked in a toilet, and called horrid names while all is being done...I would kill a man...go beyond loco, byond sane.
But yet I allowed it, not only allowed but encouraged, not only encourage but ask for more, and to top it even did to ones self...So I say to ones self WTF...why would I allow it? why would I encourage such behavior to be done towards myself? I am a smart woman, I am articulate, I am capable, my will is strong, my self esteem at times may not be at it's highest but by all means it is not so low as to allow such degradation to be done to me.
Is it a form of self loathing? A way for me to not be responsible for my own self worth? Is it the way I am wired? Or maybe the way I feel when I can give what not many would... so to be wanted? I ask myself these question, I question my own sanity, I question my own self worth. I wonder, and wonder some more... what is it about allowing someone to lower one down, to diminish one as a human. Why does it turn me on, why do I crave to be treated in such a poor way?
Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF
I can go about this all night long in my head, a round about...ever turning, never rearing right to get out. I can accept it for what it is. I can accept I am not "normal", but I want a clearer understanding to the why of it. I want to know what it is, why it is. I want to know more... and most of all I want to make it go away, make me "normal" like all the other girls.
Being degraded and liking it is the hardest thing for me to understand in this TTWD.