May 29, 2013

Where I Am at and Feeling a Tad Grateful Today.

Coming to end is my morning, afternoon free time...but with that I get to sleep in, I so do adore sleeping in...but also adore my me time. Woe is me, woe is me....

Update, update.

I have been chatting with a guy for a couple of weeks now, we met up for lunch yesterday to see if there was any chemistry. I had a great time, he is super funny and incredibly sweet and kind. Easy to talk to, very little gaps in conversation. I think it is safe to say there is chemistry, so we set up a playdate for tomorrow. My lack of patience shows here quite a bit, oh well, tis me.

The Internet age is a funny little thing, people you think you would never cross paths with again can come magically into you life throw a little glitch in email.

The last man I was seeing before I met with Sir (I am thinking I may need a new name, but hell I guess Sir works, if it ain't broke why fix it) ended up getting his email hacked and sent me an odd message, with I respond to, for there was a little unfinished business. I left a very nasty last email to him, which I was not very proud of. So with that I was able to tell him that I was sorry for saying what I said, though somewhat justifiable and he apologized for his part as well. Neither of us wanted it to end badly.

I was excited, he wants to buy a painting from me. It puts a little fire in my arse to get me painting again after a too long brake. Now I do realize with this that he probably is looking to sleep with me, ok I know he is. Men have become that predictable for me. But with that said I am not going to miss an opportunity to sell a painting...and the best part is I don't have to sleep with him...being a women is good.

I have been looking back quite a bit, and I am amazed with how far I have come. I at times am angry at myself for allowing things with Sir to progress as they did, leaving me more vulnerable than I wanted to be. But I must say the experience was well worth the pain, I have noticed I communicate so much better, I am more open and honest with every man I chat with. I know more of my wants, needs and how to ask for them. I am more certain of myself than I ever have been. And I guess if I never took that chance, never allowed myself to fall I would've never learned what I know now.

I go back and forth with myself as far as this blog goes, it was not started for me, it was for him...but as time has gone by it has become more than I imagined it to be. And it definitely has become mine, for me, for anyone who comes across it and reads. Of course I hope what I say gives someone, anyone, a little insight to what I don't know. Hopefully truth, nothing sugar coated, just me some sort of mad women writing down all of her illogical, irrational, crazy thoughts. Making all feel less insane. There is no pretense, sometimes ugly but all me.

At times I have thought of just writing happy, happy, joy, joy stuff, but lets face it that is not me, and that would show; even in writing. I am the worlds worst liar. I suck at pretending happiness, or sadness I have to be me. And what better place to let it show, right here in blog land.

Ok I am done with my being grateful rant, until next time when my vibes are on high.

May 22, 2013

Trusting, or Not to Trust?

I came across this saying on facebook, and it got me thinking, you all know where thinking tends to lead a rant, a rambling.

 I have been talking and occasionally seeing a man for over a month, he is not into the kinky, although willing to try with me. He is aware of what I like, I have shared in more detail of what I like with him, then I have ever shared with anyone. He has a way of getting stuff out of me...he is direct. he says he cares and has feeling for me. He listen to my escapades, enjoys hearing about me fooling around with other men, allows me to embrace my sexaulaty. He is a good, and caring lover when we get together. Holds me tight, makes me feel safe, and kisses me on the forehead. He is my safe call, when I go on a play date. He tells me I am beautiful, he accepts my faults, my imperfections.

And what am I doing? What am I thinking?

He has a motive, all men have a motive...I don't know what it is yet. But I know one is there...just lurking in  the corner waiting for me to catch it. And I will...

I am cynical, I know it...I take everyone with a grain of salt. I am wary, I always have been, even as a child. My mother has always taught her girls to be aware of danger at every corner, to the point of maybe paranoia. She meant well, preventing of us of getting used, or hurt. but what she created, was  three girls and one boy who wary of all.

Should I trust, should I let him in or should I push...become cold, impenetrable?

Should I take a risk, do something different? Step out of my safe zone, be vulnerable? I did that and it did not work out so well for me, maybe the wrong circumstances, maybe being vulnerable this time will turn out better than the last.

I guess I will never know, unless I just let myself go.

What is the worse that could happen? Getting hurt? But I could put the walls back up again, just for a little....and maybe take them down again, till I get it right.

One can not grow, unless one takes the risk; so I tell myself...but I never seem to take my own advice. Maybe today or tomorrow or the next day, so on and so forth, forever to repeat itself.

Then again maybe I will just break the cycle.

May 16, 2013

Caged Bird Verse a Free Bird... Another Rambling of Anna May

I have been feeling a bit cocky as of late.

A little too self absorbed... a slight big head, really liking my control. I feel empowered, a new, refreshed... free, me, a bird not meant to be caged, but I know this is temporary, soon my freedom will scare me. I will not know where to go, I wil realize I don't have a home, that I am left on my own and will be sad, wishing I had more, wishing to feel more secure. And as a bird I will long for a nest, maybe long to be caged so I don't have to wander aimless and free.

Some say submission is freedom, that you are free to be you. You don't have to worry as much, you know you have security, you belong, you have a sense of purpose beyond basic needs. You don't need to wander aimlessly but how can you see beyond the stars, beyond reality, beyond what is yours? You are his/hers.

I suppose  one can ask what is freedom, is a bird truly free? Are any of us?

I try to seek freedom, I try to be true to self, though at times I fool myself into believing there is something more if only I search it out, but if I keep on searching then I am a slave to my search. A bird can only fly so high, so long before it needs rest, before it needs to eat. The search decess and again tomorrow it goes on and on... a slave to nothing in petecule. Is that freedom?

Am I more free in a cage, with the safety and security to be me? Or is my freedom found flying aimlessly about life, searching out the next big adventure, the next risk to be taken, to fall and put up my defenses, and become a predator to prey? Prey to the predator? Though neither is me.

Why am I so afraid to let someone love me? Why am I so afraid to love one back?

I say it is because "Love is to be caged, and how can a caged bird be free?"

Maybe I need to just stop thinking for a bit, and just let what will be, be...but I guess that would not be me.

Now I am rethinking again, as I proofread said above.

I am thinking about humiliation/degradation and why I like it so much. A-ha, erika moment! It frees me...odd as it may seem, I am free...if through escape out of ones mind, if through is a sense of control over my own being, I know I am more than just that. I am strength, endurance;  I know me, my truth's. I can be forced to look into the mirror, ask what I see, I fumble on my words but I know I see me, free. Odd but I am a odd one indeed.


May 13, 2013

A Little Something To Say, After Not Having Much To Say.

Good god of all I am without things to least during the day. At night all of my thoughts, worries  fears, realizations come... even stories to tell; but by the time the AM hits they disappear like fog in the night, to daylight.

What should a loss for words woman do? Just so ones does not stop doing something she loves.

Pay homage to my blog?

Maybe pictures?

More music?

Maybe a lot of randomness? I do random well

Random it is...

I did a stupid thing, I do stupid well to. I met a man on Fet and invited him over.. on the fly, no first public meet. I survived, knowing it was stupid. The guy even told me as he was leaving that I should not let strange men in through my back door. Good advice from a strange man who came in through my back door. Strange things here, strange things there, strange things everywhere...I think I shall take his advice, though I so do hate to take advice....even the good kind.

I have been chatting with a couple of interesting possibilities on Fet (no I won't be inviting them to come over through my back door) I am planning on meeting the him in a public place next Monday, I have been chatting with him for about a month now...consistent chatting so I am feeling it is OK to move to the next level   The other guy of interest I have been only chatting with for a few days, so I shall see where that goes with in time, as only time will tell.

I have been doing an assessment of the past year, Looking into my past three relationships (being ones that lasted over a couple of months) trying to find where I went wrong, what I would've done different, and why I did what I did and/ or reacted the way I did to certain things. I have realized if I don't reevaluate my past how can I change my future (I feel a Bob Marley song coming on, good thing you all can't hear me sing lol) I feel thus far I am approaching matters in a more healthy way (as far as dating goes) for myself. I have noticed I have got my strength back, I am no longer vulnerable and I have been able to be clear with my wants and needs... and expectations;  also I have been better at asking the ones I am chatting with to be clear with me, and I have been clear with them.

I am as always a work in progress, a ramble of words, as contradictory as ever, constantly growing and being cut back to grow some more. Tis fantastic to be human... to be alive and continue to evolve.

I hope to catch up on reading all the blogs I so do enjoy, my head has been in such a ramble that I can not focus long on any one given  thing.

Hey!!! looky, I had things to say. Yay me!!

May 6, 2013

Some Songs I Love...Because my Writing MoJo is Gone.

I have so many things/thoughts running through my head yet I can't seem to put them into words. So here is music... 

Some of my favorites songs from decades past.

Prince's "Purple Rain"

A little sexy is always needed.

Madonna's "Erotica"

May 3, 2013

I Am Me Again *sigh of relief*

I am finally feeling 100%, the sun is shining, I got a good hike with my dog in.... life is good.

Due to not feeling well I have been taking an easy on dating, which was overdue. I have been chatting with a few men on Fet...that seem normal and not pushy, that is refreshing. I learn so much by each person. I have made a long distance friend with a woman. I have been needing a female based friendship badly, and to have one with someone who understands where I am coming from is refreshing. She has also introduced me to a mentor/friend who is based in India...also something I have been needing. Now I will have to make an effort and utilize my new friends, (that is something I need to work on, "asking help" or "needing someone, and accepting giudice".

I do have a lot going through my head, but at this time I can not put my scattered thoughts into words. My muse has run away...maybe it will come back soon...hopefully sooner than soon.