I can't seem to put my thoughts in to words, to try to sort them out... to make some coherent meaning, perspective, and understanding.
I shall write and see what the hell comes out.
I have been thinking about my self-esteem... how it is back after being lost for a while. How did I lose it in the first place?
Maybe it is I put too much in when I am with someone, and forget about me. I forget to give me what I need, I start to think I am not good enough, though I know deep down that I am. And I get mad at me, for not giving myself enough credit.
I tend to hold on to relationship longer then I should, I tend to ignore that inner voice telling me that things are not right. I start to feel bad, used, insignificant, lonely, and start seeing myself as less than. I have been here more than once but I have never look deeper into the why of it. I am stuck there.
The only way to not fall into the same pattern is to figure out the whys, I cannot blame the men I have been with, because I make the choice to be with them, and to learn I need to take accountability not to put blame on others.
I am left to ponder, left to try to understand what it is, why is it that I do not trust my inner voice?
Maybe it has to do with my past, in my past before I met my girl’s dad; I never gave much to anybody. I had a philosophy, a way, I played the game... I did not stay with anyone for more than a one night stand and if it should of lasted longer.. I had a 1, 2,.3 strikes you’re out. I had fun confusing, it was quite amusing. I did try to be more to 2 guys, both failed miserably.
When I met my girl’s father he was not going to allow that of me, he was not going to give into my game. He took me for what I was... he adored me for who I was. I never had that before, I was befuddled, scared, mesmerized, I was in aww...and I was gotten, I was his... I became an addict; he was my drug of choice.
Then I got back into the dating game after many years of being out of it. I did not want to fall back into old habits; for old habits were fun, but unfulfilling. I tried to change it up, but unfamiliar with how it works. I am naive, new, I am like a teenager trying to figure it out for the first time, figure out how it works, what to expect, how to ask for what I want. So I try not knowing how to do it. then I fall victim to the same old story, I fall victim to the same old habits.
I suppose it is a learning game, I am a bit behind on the times...I shall be patient and hope I will get a better understanding of the how's and what’s.