September 27, 2013

Birthday Spanking

I hate missing him, but at the same time it gives me time to think, but again it gives me too much time to think.

My birthday was earlier this week and he took time off from his busy schedule to spend the morning and day with me. It was nice just lying in bed with him cuddling and talking. I swear I could lay in his arms all day, and all night long.

I got a much needed spanking with hand and belt...he is a fierce sadist. Usually he gets to the point, not much of a warm up. This time he started off with more gentle, erotic smacks on my bottom, working it to a bit harder, yet still erotic. It was nice, I liked the change of pace.

But he knows what I crave most, and that is a good hard spanking, and better yet...the sting of his leather belt across my bottom, thighs and back. He has just recently added my back as a spot to sting, and takes an easy there. But my ass has no boundaries, he is merciless and loves to hit my hips and upper bottom, and let me tell you it stings and throbs unbelievably, where I have called red, but at the same time I love it; in an odd sort of way that only a masochist understands .

After that I went down on him, and we fuck a little, with him implementing some hard slaps to my already sore bottom...that was much needed as well. And we ended that with some more cuddles, conversation and a little nap.   

We were talking of doing lunch, and where we were going to go. But I needed more pain to my bottom, I was craving it so much. I have not wanted it this hard in a while. He happily obliged to my request, and no warm ups this time. He just went straight to the point, loving that I wanted it so bad.He got me to the point where I thought I could not take any more. But I did not yet received my birthday spanking...38 more to go and at the end he added a bonus...oh fuck that man always makes the last one the hardest.

My bum was hot, welted and to lunch we go Sitting was pleasantly uncomfortable, making me a very happy birthday girl. And lunch was fantastic, I could not ask for a better way to spend my birthday, or a better person to spend it with.      

September 25, 2013

A Ramble, A Jumble of Thoughts.

Just a ramble, just sorting out my round about thoughts.

I think I need to take a step back from this relationship I am in. Emotionally it is becoming straining, I feel I am being taken for a ride, and I can't do it.

He had lied to me, a small lie but a lie never the less. He told me that the reason he lied was because he did not trust me, due to past experience. How can I trust when he does not trust me? It hurts, (I have been so transparent with him.) it makes me think and my thoughts are not positive. It makes me wonder and where my mind wanders is not good.

He said it would take time for him to be more open with me, but how do I know that it is not a ploy to buy time to form more lies, till all the lies run dry and I am left with a broken heart feeling a fool?

I told him I would give him time, I would let the trust build slowly. But I am finding it hard, I am not trusting him, his word is becoming harder to take at face value, and it is taking a toll on me.

I am such a giving person, to giving. I am such a forgiving person, to forgiving...and I like that for the most but when I feel deceived, when I feel hurt...I question myself. I think to myself why? I think to myself what does it get me, where does it get me?

 I think and think (I think, I think too much as well) and go over the pros and cons.. He is a great man, he's sadistic side matches my masochistic side. He is very caring when he is with me, and when we are together I am on cloud nine, all high on the love drug, which clouds my judgment (as drugs do) and I love that feeling but when we are apart the questions start to arise. I am not sure if it is just insecurity, or that the way I feel is valid. I am having a hard time sorting that all out in my mind.

Do I take the risk? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? If it turns out that he is lying, can I handle being a fool? But if I walk away, will I always look back and wonder? Will I regret?  I ask myself if he is worth it, and myself thinks "yes, take the know once a fool always a fool". Myself kinda does make a good point. What do I have to lose, that I have not lost before.

Conclusion- I think with me taking the risk with set boundaries for myself will be good. But I also think I need to learn to separate my emotions, until I can trust him, until he can trust me, and be more open with me. As always easier said than done, especially with the "love drug". That stuff is addicting....

September 17, 2013

Questions I Need To Ask Myself

I am thinking that I need to start keeping up with writing here, there is so much going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it out. Writing does help me a great deal in the sorting. I just need to push myself to keep up with doing it.

I am struggling with being submissive and what it means to me. I as of late have been thinking what am I doing with this? Where am going and what will become of me? I often lose myself in the things I do, I grow tired of the old and search for the new...a different kind of thrill, a different kind of escape. 

Yet I am me in this spot, I have grown more, and more as I accept me for me. But yet I fear that this me, the true me will end up hurting more and regressing back into a shell. 

I am confused in to why I feel this way?

I think I am afraid, I am afraid of giving that part of me again and feeling abandoned once again. Used. That was too much, too soon, with someone who did not deserve that part of me. But now I am wary, and don't know what to do about it, but I do know I don't want a repeat of my first experience. I know I can't do that again.

I am scared. 

It all gets real so fast, the realization of what it all is and what it all means. Any person can promise in a million and one ways how they won't betray your trust, how they will be true and honor you and your limits, your expectations. But when it comes down to it each and every promise means nothing, no matter how many ways it is said; all it becomes is empty words in an empty box, leaving one empty.  

Now I am left wondering, once again; what am I doing here, where am I going with this what will become of me if I stay?


September 6, 2013

Why So Insecure?

I have really been neglecting my blog, been neglecting reading other blogs. I miss doing so, but life is life and life plays by its own rules.

Everything is going well with J, not saying there are not bumps in the road because that would be a bold face lie, and I am not so good at lying. 

I have been having my insecure moments, and it makes it harder with all of the traveling he does. And in Anna fashion, I go about over thinking, and thinking over the thinking I just thought over; which leaves me with lots of thoughts of how things can go wrong between J and I, and thoughts of me being fooled. And that leaves me defensive.

 I am fine with the direction our relationship is heading, but also afraid. Feelings are getting stronger, and I fear I am falling for him, (OK I am falling for him and that leaves me so very vulnerable...and feeling so very impressionable.

 I am on guard, waiting for the bottom to drop. For him to not want me anymore, for him to grow bored...for him to want to go back to his ex, though he assured me that it is over, but  when we started talking he told me she was perfect for him ( she just told mislead him one to many times). And well that sticks in a girls head. Especially when his ex-girlfriend got  in touch with him ( a couple months back), telling him her divorce was final and she wanted to get back together, though he did tell her he was seeing someone, I still feel insecure.

 So the story's my mind tells me, is they got back together, and he keeps me around in case the relationship falters again. I did confront him, but not completely telling him why I felt the way I did. I instead accused him (though I did not see it that way) of being married (which does not fit) but more so of having a more committed relationship then what we have. Ok I kind of did say what was going on in my head, just not giving out all the details for me feeling the way I did.

 He was upset at my accusations, and I thought "OK, this is the end" and I cried, the thought of not having him anymore hurt me deep, deep inside, the crushing feeling, like one cannot breathe, or being so thirsty and no water in sight...a very scary feeling to have, to admit to myself that the feeling for him keep getting stronger.

 Instead of him ending it, he came over and we talked, he told me how upset he was; that he is not deceiving me. I expressed the reason why I felt the way I did (but not mentioning the ex), and if he looked at it through my eyes how it could be feasible. He opened up with me about the whys of not being able to spend as much time together. That he is truly almost always in the air (literally), and he confessed some things that he was uncomfortable with sharing right off the bat and I understood. 

I still have my doubts here and there, but trust is something that is built in time, it is not a given, it earned with every new page turned. And I need to read this book slowly....and with every page I will learn more about him, and with every page I will grow to trust him more.