September 6, 2013
Why So Insecure?
I have really been neglecting my blog, been neglecting reading other blogs. I miss doing so, but life is life and life plays by its own rules.
Everything is going well with J, not saying there are not bumps in the road because that would be a bold face lie, and I am not so good at lying.
I have been having my insecure moments, and it makes it harder with all of the traveling he does. And in Anna fashion, I go about over thinking, and thinking over the thinking I just thought over; which leaves me with lots of thoughts of how things can go wrong between J and I, and thoughts of me being fooled. And that leaves me defensive.
I am fine with the direction our relationship is heading, but also afraid. Feelings are getting stronger, and I fear I am falling for him, (OK I am falling for him and that leaves me so very vulnerable...and feeling so very impressionable.
I am on guard, waiting for the bottom to drop. For him to not want me anymore, for him to grow bored...for him to want to go back to his ex, though he assured me that it is over, but when we started talking he told me she was perfect for him ( she just told mislead him one to many times). And well that sticks in a girls head. Especially when his ex-girlfriend got in touch with him ( a couple months back), telling him her divorce was final and she wanted to get back together, though he did tell her he was seeing someone, I still feel insecure.
So the story's my mind tells me, is they got back together, and he keeps me around in case the relationship falters again. I did confront him, but not completely telling him why I felt the way I did. I instead accused him (though I did not see it that way) of being married (which does not fit) but more so of having a more committed relationship then what we have. Ok I kind of did say what was going on in my head, just not giving out all the details for me feeling the way I did.
He was upset at my accusations, and I thought "OK, this is the end" and I cried, the thought of not having him anymore hurt me deep, deep inside, the crushing feeling, like one cannot breathe, or being so thirsty and no water in sight...a very scary feeling to have, to admit to myself that the feeling for him keep getting stronger.
Instead of him ending it, he came over and we talked, he told me how upset he was; that he is not deceiving me. I expressed the reason why I felt the way I did (but not mentioning the ex), and if he looked at it through my eyes how it could be feasible. He opened up with me about the whys of not being able to spend as much time together. That he is truly almost always in the air (literally), and he confessed some things that he was uncomfortable with sharing right off the bat and I understood.
I still have my doubts here and there, but trust is something that is built in time, it is not a given, it earned with every new page turned. And I need to read this book slowly....and with every page I will learn more about him, and with every page I will grow to trust him more.