January 30, 2014

I Have Been Inspired to Talk KInk

I just finished reading a post about humiliation that Pygar had posted on A Kind Dom and my thoughts on the subject were way off topic for me to respond there.

So I shall do it here, in my own little cozy spot, and the moment all have been waiting for, drum roll.....

Coming to terms with humiliation, after months of pondering as I am prone to ponder, I have concluded my feeling on humiliation, and my love of it.

And well it goes like this

Believe it or not, humiliation gives me a senses of power ( I know ironic) . I am able to go to places I may fear, I am able to be something that in actuality I am not. I am able to face it all head on with someone whom I trust, and someone who can bring me back to reality safely.

I tend to feed off the power one has over me, and in essence I gain power through that exchange. Humiliation seems to take me closer to that power exchange I crave, whereas pain takes me to good places but not nearly as close as humiliation does.

To look one in the eyes and see the monster within, to feel the fear and then overcome it. to know no matter how low you can go that you can soar even higher. I say break me, take me, and bring me back, just to do all over again....yummy, and so full with such power.

But I also feel humiliation needs to be played with care and with someone who is trustworthy enough to bring you back down safely. Once damage is done, it is hard to come back from.

And I thought I had nothing to say about TTWD.

Had to share, thought it was pretty funny :)

January 28, 2014

Fourth Rant; Vulnerability

V.U.L.N.E.R.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y....How the hell does one become vulnerable? It meaning alone is enough to say "whoa...hold back there cowboy."

 Vulnerability definition: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Talk about needing trust!!!

I don't even think I could be vulnerable, no matter how much trust I put in another.

How does one expose so much of themselves to another?

I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around such trust, such confidence in another human to not take advantage of such openness.

Every time I have let someone in, even just a tiny bit...they have exploited that tiny bit of vulnerability, leaving me depleted, lost and confused.

Emotional pain is by far the worst pain, emotional pain wounds you, leaves you with scabs. Scabs open and ooze, they are easy to pick away and show the rawness of the pain. They then heal to leave scars that are a constant reminder of all the pain. 

And being vulnerable, as defined above; leads to wounds that turn into scabs that fade into scars, to always remind you.

So how does one become V.U.L.N.E.R.A.B.L.E?

At times I could see where being vulnerable could be freeing.  It could be freeing to let go of all past hurts and regrets and feelings. It may be able to help clean the slate, per se; to let go, to move on, to feel a deeper connection to one.

But somehow I feel that may just be some kind of pipe dream, because the definition above does not mention anything about vulnerability leading to freedom of self. 

So for now vulnerability will remain a dirty word.

January 24, 2014

Third Rant ; Trust

For a while, maybe too long I have felt my trust issues where no longer; beside the normal day to day kind. But upon reflection I have realized they are there and stronger than ever. They just manifested in a different way.

I have learned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt (at last that is what I convinced myself to believe), but I obsessively look for a fault with every story told. When someone says something or anything , ok let's just go go with everything to me. I immediately in my mind go to how one could be deceiving me.  I do not question out loud, I keep it inside. I realize it shows very little trusts when you cannot even question someone when in doubt. My doubt could just be a misunderstanding or even I could be right on, whatever way it would turn out, my lack of trust does not give me that opportunity for one to earn my trust.

So in fact I trust no one, it is kind of sad and such a lonely place to be, not to trust at all. 

Trust is a hard thing to learn, it takes vulnerability and to be vulnerable is utterly scary. It leaves one to exposed, naked, bear, and all of that is uncomfortable...I prefer comfortable. 

I have no idea on how to trust. Not a clue, it baffles me how people can do it. How one can just believe, have faith in another human being.

I think human are inherently liars, which is ironic seeing as I am very trustworthy, and I feel that I am the world's worst liar. I don't know why it is so hard for me to not see that I am not the only trustworthy person in this great big world of ours; it is kind of cocky in a way, and I also pride myself in how humble I am....I am a walking contradiction.    

It seems when I give another my so called "benefit of the doubt" they fail me. In retrospect though I now can see that I have set them up to fail. You can't learn to trust someone if you silently doubt their every word, their every move.

Now how to change? How to learn to trust without doubt till proven wrong.

How does one enter a relationship trusting that the other will do right by you, no matter the situation?

How does one trust enough to let another in?

How? How? How?

Do I just wing it? I had a therapist that told me "to conquer anything you just do it over and over, even if it is uncomfortable, even if you get hurt, even if it does not turn out the way you wanted it to" she said "just do it".

Now I need to find the courage to do so.


January 20, 2014

Second Rant; Feelings

  Feelings can be so icky, and showing them is downright scary...makes one feel naked out in the cold. I personally do not like sharing my feelings, and it seems every time I have the courage to do so there is a backlash.

Now when I have shared my feeling it comes out gushing, it comes out overflowing, and I know it is overwhelming to the person I am sharing all my feeling, thoughts and revelation with ( I seem to be an all or nothing kind of girl), and I know I am not being fair.

I have had major backlash with that approach as well. Which makes sharing even more difficult for me, I continue to stuff, and I continue to shut down, till once again I find the courage to open up and the cycle is repeated or the person leaves me...getting sick of my drama; though it is not drama to me, it is all I know.

I am not a big fan of hurting other people. If I think my feeling may hurt someone, I just keep them inside; in the long run it becomes self-defeating. I end up either resenting the person or I start to loathe myself. It all ends up taking a toll on me, I become depleted, I pull back and again I ruined another perfectly fine relationship. 

 These are two varying methods of showing my feelings, one showing too much at once, the other not showing anything at all.

I realize the balance is with in communicating my feelings as they appear, and not waiting to let them fester deep down to my inside, till they burst out like soda from a can.

To do that I need two things, and that is trust, and courage. Courage to share my feelings with the ones I care about, and trusting they are able to handle my feeling appropriately. 

Now I just need to apply, knowing it will take a few tries to get it right.

January 16, 2014

First Rant, Sexuality

I struggle, struggle with this aspect of me. I love sex; I love sex even if I don't reach to the big O. It feels good, really good. I have a very high sex drive for a woman.....well at least that is what I have been told.

Now my whole life, if by media, family, friends, and men; I have been led to believe that women are not supposed to enjoy sex as much as I do, it is wrong. I been led to believe that women only use sex to keep a man, get a man or because she is insecure and needs validation. For me it is simply that I like/love sex...so simple.
So why so guilty?

Yes it pisses me off that I feel guilty for loving sex! Why is there this double standard? Why it that men can sleep with any number of women, can have a high sex drive and no one thinks twice about it? It is even look up upon, a man is more of a man the more conquest he had. Now if a woman did that she is a slut....makes me so mad....so utterly mad. Mad! Mad! Mad!

So here I am feeling bad and yes insecure about my love of sex. I hate the fact that I think with every relationship I have been in that the man is just using me. At one point I just said "fuck it, I will get him before he gets me" not the healthiest way to go about it. But if you are going to be told you are a slut, why not just go with it? Yet I was left empty by my own refusal to let anyone get close to me...just because I thought my enjoying sex so much is wrong and makes me a bad person.

I cry about my sexuality. I at times wish I had no drive at all. I wish I hated sex, I wish I could be a so called "proper woman" but I am not. I hate that I always feel used, even if I am not being used....and it is all because I am led to believe liking/loving sex is wrong. I am led to believe that any good man would not like a woman like me.

How does one accept their sexuality? How does one realize that all men do not look down upon women who enjoy sex? That he may even love that aspect of her, and even cherish her for who she is all of her.



Stepping Back from Submission...For Now

I realize I have been a whiny baby with my post as of late, and do need to get back to the true reason why I have stuck with this blog. Learning about submission, working through the questions and worries I have with being submissive, figuring out what submission means to me and how to accept it for what it is. With in time I will.

Lately I have not been able to put much thought or effort in my submission, or even question my submission and lack there of.

The internal war that was going on between accepting being submissive and accepting that I have masochistic tendency have fallen silent. It is a blank spot in my mind, nothing seems to be there,
no matter how many times I try to think about it , I go blank... there is nothing.

I have come to the conclusion that my mind is too cluttered with other pressing thoughts that do need attention. I have bottled up deep, dark issues that as of recent have come bubbling to the surface and in need to be addressed.

I will use this blog as  a medium to get a lot of stuff out of my head to allow the bubbles to overflow and to finally allow myself to let go.

I will be utterly boring, whiny and just have a big-ole pity party. But at the same time it will allow me to show my weaknesses, my vulnerability in a safe setting.

You have been warned, there will be nothing kinky going on here, at least for now.


January 15, 2014

I Had a Dream and It Was Not Kinky

I am lost in my own confusion.

I have been battling with this confusion for way to long.

I have not let go, and I know it is time.

Letting go of what you no longer have is not as easy as one would think. I hold on to what could of been but probably never would of been. It is easy to pretend. It is easy to see what you want when you close your eyes, but when your eyes are closed you miss what is right in front of you.

I had a dream, it was very reveling for me

I dreamt about a dog that Daryl and I had. After his death the girls and I had to move into an apartment, and we could not take Kezza with us. I had to take him to a shelter...it was the second saddest day with in that  year.

My dream started off with meeting the people who had adopted him, they did not want him anymore. (Before Daryl had him he had two previous homes)  I was sad, than happy, I could have him back, he was mine again. I took him home, I loved him, and I held on to him, I watched him with careful eyes. I was happy, joyous to have my sweet dog back ....(questioning in the back of my mind how is he still alive after all these years. He would of been 16 years old, he was a big dog and big dogs do not live that long. It was not possible). 

But along the way I forgot what I had, I forgot Izzy.

At one point as looking out the window at my long lost dog, happy; I realized that I was missing Izzy. I became sad, and frantically look all over the place for her. Opening every door in a house with many doors, calling out her name but she was not to be found, she was lost. I forgot her for way to long to find her. Though I heard her, I heard her through ever door I opened...but she was not there, not hidden under any bed, or stuck back in a corner. And when I looked out the window to see my sweet Keeza He was no longer there, he was gone as well.

He was never there, a figment of my imagination. My hopes for what was but could never be.

I lost what I had because I hung on to what I once had.

What a metaphor to have to open my eyes to the truth of the whys.

I am now truly realizing no one can live up to a ghost, even if the ghost was not perfect when alive. One can make a ghost anything they desire but one can not make a ghost come back to life.

I have flash backs every now and then of the day he died. It was a very traumatic event in my life, and the sad part is by reliving it over and over again it gives me false comfort. I punish myself, so I can feel him again. Yet it hurts to relive the same hopeless scene, just to feel as if he still alive.  

Now I am ready to let him go, now I need to forgive myself for what I could not control.

January 10, 2014

Just a Vent About My Stuipidty

I need a break from life, a break from my own confusion. I need to step back from this, to step back from submission.

I fucked up, I went and ended things with J...and then wanted to take it back. I am foolish; I am acting like a teenage girl. I have hurt someone I care deeply about; I played a game that I did not intend to play. I want to make things good, but how can I? I poured my heart out to him, but it was after hurting him. I want him to forgive me but how can I expect forgiveness when I hurt him so?

He is processing all that I have said to mend what I have done. I am self-loathing. I don't understand why I had to make things difficult. Why I have to push away people I care about. I am beginning to think I am an emotional masochist...but I really do not like it, yet I continue to cause myself heartbreak.

I do hope there is forgiveness in his heart, but I will have to wait, and the waiting is going to drive me mad.