January 24, 2014

Third Rant ; Trust

For a while, maybe too long I have felt my trust issues where no longer; beside the normal day to day kind. But upon reflection I have realized they are there and stronger than ever. They just manifested in a different way.

I have learned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt (at last that is what I convinced myself to believe), but I obsessively look for a fault with every story told. When someone says something or anything , ok let's just go go with everything to me. I immediately in my mind go to how one could be deceiving me.  I do not question out loud, I keep it inside. I realize it shows very little trusts when you cannot even question someone when in doubt. My doubt could just be a misunderstanding or even I could be right on, whatever way it would turn out, my lack of trust does not give me that opportunity for one to earn my trust.

So in fact I trust no one, it is kind of sad and such a lonely place to be, not to trust at all. 

Trust is a hard thing to learn, it takes vulnerability and to be vulnerable is utterly scary. It leaves one to exposed, naked, bear, and all of that is uncomfortable...I prefer comfortable. 

I have no idea on how to trust. Not a clue, it baffles me how people can do it. How one can just believe, have faith in another human being.

I think human are inherently liars, which is ironic seeing as I am very trustworthy, and I feel that I am the world's worst liar. I don't know why it is so hard for me to not see that I am not the only trustworthy person in this great big world of ours; it is kind of cocky in a way, and I also pride myself in how humble I am....I am a walking contradiction.    

It seems when I give another my so called "benefit of the doubt" they fail me. In retrospect though I now can see that I have set them up to fail. You can't learn to trust someone if you silently doubt their every word, their every move.

Now how to change? How to learn to trust without doubt till proven wrong.

How does one enter a relationship trusting that the other will do right by you, no matter the situation?

How does one trust enough to let another in?

How? How? How?

Do I just wing it? I had a therapist that told me "to conquer anything you just do it over and over, even if it is uncomfortable, even if you get hurt, even if it does not turn out the way you wanted it to" she said "just do it".

Now I need to find the courage to do so.


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