November 5, 2014

Caring Without Hope.

Writing has been difficult for me. I want to write down my thoughts and feelings, I want to be able to let go, say what I vulnerable in  a safe place but every time I get to that point something unseen holds me back.  

Today I am just going to type whatever comes to mind, whether it makes sense or does not or even if it is coherent.

I am in a relationship that is stunted and always will be. I hold on to hope but now I am realizing that there is no hope, and there is no point in holding on to something without any hope, but yet I am finding it so hard to let go. I care, I love deeply but no matter how much I love it does not mean that the other cares as I do; not saying that the other does not care, just that he does not care as I do.

Things become one sided, and things become misunderstood, and I find it hard to find words to express my feeling without feeling I am overstepping my boundaries. I make it all way too difficult. I should just let go, move on and be done with it. I should but I am not.

So many questions entering in and out of my mind, I find so little answers, just more confusion, and with the confusions leads to me feeling hurt. It is not his fault but fault of my own. If I just let go I could move forward and find something more fulfilling, someone more wanting of me, wanting as I want him. But I have worked hard to get to a point of trusting him, I worked hard to learn about him, and when we are together lying in bed, wrapped around each other, it becomes effortless. We become one entangled into the other, and that is hard to find. So I hold on, even without hope, I hold on just for that moment of oneness.

I suppose slowly I will get to the point of not caring, I guess I am just hoping I will get to the point of not caring. I don't want to care, but yet I do....too much.