August 25, 2013


I am content

I can't remember the last time I have been this content, I have found security, consistently, and understanding.

It has been an odd feeling to be with someone who is as crazy about me as I am them. I have not had that since my girl’s father. I do hope I do not freak out again, I hope that I can keep my head up and to accept this, to go and ride the wave safely to the shore. 

Now that the girls are back in school J and I are able to see each other more often, but the down side to that is we don't get to spend as much time together. It is hard to do darker scene in just a couple of hours or so, so the intensity of our play has been down. I don't mind for now, doing it this way is giving us more time to get to get to know each other in a new way. Building a better understanding of which the other is like outside of the bedroom.

My submissive side is happy and balanced, I feel free when I am with J. I don't feel bottled up, I don't feel afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, and I am not afraid of doing something wrong. He is as easy going, as I am. He is as content as I am to just lie in each other’s arms and cuddle, talk, and laugh. He loves my feisty side as much as he loves my soft and submissive side.

I have found my happy medium.

I am content.   

August 10, 2013



     Still without kids, missing them so...but I shall get them back soon.

Things are going great with J and I, I can't be any happier.....thinking of him makes me smile and feel giddy inside. When I am with him, I am with him body and mind, I don't think of the what ifs, I don't think of trying to read his mind, I am just with him, it is odd; I have not had that since my children’s father. I feel comfortable with him, confident, free. I don't need to be careful with what I say, if something stupid flies out of my mouth he just accepts it for what it is. He amazes me, how understanding and patient he is with me. When he compliments me, I believe him without question. I miss him as soon as he walks out the door, and anticipate the next time we will see each other again. And best of all I know he cares for me as much as I care for him, and I don't need to question it, I just know! 

So why is it I am still trying to push him away?

Why is it that I can't just be happy being happy?

So far he has been able to communicate with me when I do something stupid to try to ruin it. But I fear in the next panic it will be the one to scare him away.

I know I need to stay out of my head, to not listen to the voices that tell me everything that could possibly go wrong. I need to accept that he is often going to be out of town, out of the country and that there will be times when we can't meet up due to me not being able to have someone watch the girls. It is so much more simple when one does not get attached, and I did try in the beginning to not get attached but my heart decided to take over on this one....and this one has me in a whole different head space, he has me, I am his; no matter how hard I try to fight it.

August 2, 2013

Taking Me To Another Place

This is a story of Consent/Non Consent, it may be disturbing to some.


  Kids are on vacation, I get to write on my blog, catch up with friends, and have some peace and quiet...not so sure how I am liking the peace and quiet right now, just a tad too quiet.

Everything is going phenomenal with J, I could not ask for a better Dom at this point in my life. We are building things up slowly. We had a first real intense scene a couple of weeks back, that was the most intense I have had as far as being pushed to the edge. He took me to a place in my head that I did not think could be dragged out of me, even wondered if I had it in me. I did.

We decided to do a consent/ non consent scene. I was not sure how that would work with me being so submissive... to my amazement it worked.  He brought the feisty Irish out of me, and the bull headed Pollock I try to deny...not necessarily convince others.  

The scene started off with me entering the hotel room with notes telling me what to do, he not being there at all. I did what the notes told me to do and waited for him, wondering what he had planned, but trying not to think too much.

He entered the room, no hello, no hug, no kiss...just business, one of his notes was not clear so I did not do it and he was a bit frustrated with that, though he realized how I could get confused. So together we but on restraints and as soon as that was done he took over. It was somewhat shocking to me to see him so aggressive right away, I was slightly taken aback. He had only showed me that side once because I called him out on it, and he showed me, I knew he had it in him but not to that intensity.

He pulled my by the hair, put me where he wanted me...called me a few not so nice names. Slapped me in the face a few times slowing getting me into that head space, I so desired to be. He forced me to go down on him, to take his cock in my mouth to suck, swallow and gag. Got me close to one of my biggest fears with TTWD and that is throwing up. Me no like that, not one little bit. I was able to hold back.

He then had me go lay on the bed, tummy down, and began to slap my ass, then bringing out his belt, a nice thick leather one and swung it a few times before it would land on my ass with a loud thump, me yelping out ouch and fuck, which only made him do it longer, sticking to one spot the spot which he bruised pretty bad the previous week.

After that he begin to use my body, to fuck me, and fuck me hard, while slapping me and spitting on me getting me deeper and deeper into that head space. I cried out my ass got wiped, I tried be quiet and my ass got wiped till I cried cunning my way out of it, though I tried and the more I tried the more aggressive he got. The power feed was very intense, and pushing me even deeper into that head space.

He order me to fuck him on top, that gives one little girl too much control, especially when she was at the point of fighting for the control...yes he brought me to the point of breaking my submissive, he got me pissed and loathing him, he got me fighting, and doing all I could do to regain any kind of control. Then put me on top, what is more controlling than making a man cum when he is not ready. But that was not good enough I decided to continue after he came and it made him a bit uncomfortable, which gave me even more control with being on top, so I continued with a cold smirk on my face, and well that pissed him off even more. I did truly did not know I had that much fight in me, I knew I had some, but not to that extent. I kept on pushing him as I was going deeper and deeper into that head space.

He took me and threw me on my back and straddling me, slapping and spitting on me...I at one point looked at him and said "don't you fucking dear bruise my face" (by the way he wouldn't) he looked at me sternly and said "you can call out yellow" but I choose to stay definite as I was deep, deep in my head. And I was going to push and I was going to not give in....what a rush of adrenaline. Mind you he is 6'2 and about 250 a pretty big guy...but I still wanted to piss him off, to see how far he would go. He began to whip my ass with his belt; I still chose to be definite. Then a moment of "oh shit, maybe it is time to give in" one last hard whip to my feet and then my lower back, upper behind (that place fucking hurts like a bitch) and I gave in...and I was crying, and laughing, and thinking maybe laughing is not a good thing at this time; so I hid my head and shut down to that comfy place in my head.

He lay back up by the pillows of the bed, asked me nicely to come up with him. I did not want to, I was too much in my head space and loathing him. But I did anyway. He talked me down, respecting my boundaries...letting me be, making sure I was alright. Getting me to hate him less, getting me to soften up. I was struggling with crying and laughing all at the same time. I started to get out of my head space, warming up to him, and was lovey, dovey with in a split second.

After all was said and done, I loved it. I trusted that he would not take me any further then I could handle and he did that. I did want to go deeper, but realized that the scene ended when it needed to end. It built a higher level of trust with him, and showed me he is as dark as me but capable of assessing the scene, and knowing when to end it.

We did try again to do a dark scene Wednesday  but it did not work out so well, we started out lovey, dovey and ended up joking around way too much with me doing most of the joking around...which did end up leaving me with a very black and blue behind.

It is safe to say, I am up to doing that again...and upon re reading that I am questioning my sanity. lol