Still without kids, missing them so...but I shall get them back soon.
Things are going great with J and I, I can't be any happier.....thinking of him makes me smile and feel giddy inside. When I am with him, I am with him body and mind, I don't think of the what ifs, I don't think of trying to read his mind, I am just with him, it is odd; I have not had that since my children’s father. I feel comfortable with him, confident, free. I don't need to be careful with what I say, if something stupid flies out of my mouth he just accepts it for what it is. He amazes me, how understanding and patient he is with me. When he compliments me, I believe him without question. I miss him as soon as he walks out the door, and anticipate the next time we will see each other again. And best of all I know he cares for me as much as I care for him, and I don't need to question it, I just know!
So why is it I am still trying to push him away?
Why is it that I can't just be happy being happy?
So far he has been able to communicate with me when I do something stupid to try to ruin it. But I fear in the next panic it will be the one to scare him away.
I know I need to stay out of my head, to not listen to the voices that tell me everything that could possibly go wrong. I need to accept that he is often going to be out of town, out of the country and that there will be times when we can't meet up due to me not being able to have someone watch the girls. It is so much more simple when one does not get attached, and I did try in the beginning to not get attached but my heart decided to take over on this one....and this one has me in a whole different head space, he has me, I am his; no matter how hard I try to fight it.