September 6, 2014

A Long Time

How long can one go through writers block? lol

I am still here, still battling with submission; still fighting the demons in my head...I just cannot seem to write my thoughts down, As soon as I get to the page to write my mind draws a blank.

So much has gone on, so much sorting needs to be done and this blog has been a good source for sorting, but my thoughts are so jumbled that the sorting seems almost impossible for me to do.

I know at times just winging it has been helpful....

Thinking now, sorting now...I just may be afraid of letting it all out. It is easier to shove it all down, easier to ignore than to face my feelings head on.

I cannot even complete a paragraph lol

I think I will push myself to write, even if it is just a bunch of nonsense (that is more nonsense than the usual).

May 22, 2014

One Painted Ass, Instead of a Story.

 I want to write about my time with Sir Jay, but it seems I am unable to form anything more than a sentence; so I will show my nicely painted ass instead....a picture is worth a thousand words, Right?

I was shocked with how vivid it was days after...that I just had to show him, and anyone who looks at this blog. I am sickly proud of how much pain I can take at times, I am a strange one indeed.

May 6, 2014

Stroking My Ego

Photo by Anna May
I am not one to show off body, I am not one to boost my own ego.....but I am very proud of the way I look in this photo, and even prouder of myself photography skills.

So here is to me stroking my ego :) and getting me out of my comfort zone.

Pressing publish now.......

Here I go....


Not Quite the Same.

Finally spring has arrived!

Kink has been a bit on the light side. The last time we went really intense and dark was in March. We were going to try a couple of weeks ago but my head was in a bad place so we decided to go lighter. We have been really soft on the S/M aspect; the last time my ass got a good beating was in March. There was a light ass beating a week or so ago, and I was a big wimp with it, I could not believe how little I could take before I was calling yellow and my yellow quickly became a red.

I am wondering if I am just bored with it and unable to get into that headspace, or simply I just need a break.

I am so new at this that I don't really know what to expect in the long run. I don't know if it will become a passing phase, or it ebbs and flows, in out and in again.

My sex drives seems to be taking a hit as well, as of late I have been more into the cuddles, and sweet kisses then the actual sex part....I mean I still get horny, and my fantasies are as vivid as ever, it just is not the same, it is odd for me. I still give it my all when I am with him; it just is my head is not in the same place as it was before.

It could be because I have been with Jay for almost a year now, and we are in the comfort zone. It is nice to be in a comfort zone, but at the same time I feel sort of lost. I am not familiar with this zone, it has been a while.

I do miss the super kinky sex....the like all the time kind, where it last all day and I walk out with a very well beaten ass. My throat sore from sucking and licking and taken him down as deep his cock will go. I mean we still kind of do that but not with the same undertone...I don't know, it just is different, not like it was.

I fear this is the end of the thrill, and I really, really like the thrill, then I start to think maybe it is the beginning of something new and more spectacular.

I am out of my comfort zone here and I don't know how to react, or what to do, or how I should feel.....ughh....  

April 23, 2014

I Am Still Here, I Think! Kidding I Am.

What do you write after being away from it for a while?

Life has gotten away from me; spring break, kids, all the little things along the way, and to add to it major writer block.

Lately I have been thinking more, and more about being submissive. It is a struggle to be who I feel I am, and  be what I feel I should be...or what everyone wants me to be....maybe it is just what I think everybody wants me to be.

Sir Jay had a comment on the sleight of a conversation we were having about I don't know what...but he made a  reference to me being a submissive, and how he has not met many women like me (that being a submissive outside of the bedroom as well). I took offence, I perceived how he said it to be of a negative factor of what feel I am, not a positive. I may be over thinking a simple comment said during a conversion that I forget what it was about. I may be looking too much into something that just is not. But I can't seem to shake his on the slight insight into my submissive.

Such an insignificant comment causing so much conflict in my head, why is it that I do this to myself, making something out of nothing?

Why is it that I continue to struggle with who I am? I continue to fight with the demons inside, and they seem to mostly have the upper hand....every now and then though, they will throw me a bone which leads me to think I may have won the battle, but then I realize I still stand inside the struggle.

I can't shake the thought that being of a submissive nature means a weakness of character. I question my own feelings inside. I am not weak, I know I am not weak...hell I am a single mother raising three girls all on my own, yet even with that knowledge of knowing the struggles of being a single mother, even with the knowledge of knowing how much strength was needed to overcome the death of my beloved, to overcome my fears of losing my mind, to overcome being alone; I still don't feel good enough. I feel weak because I can't do it all. I can't be the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, and most of the perfect woman.

Never going to be good enough, when am I ever going to be good enough?

One comment on the slight in a conversion I had in which I do not remember. Just a simple insignificant comment on who I feel I am, who I am; has leaded me to a cluster of unreasonable thoughts of who I think I should be.

How does one ever cure the over thinking mind, without drugs?

March 13, 2014

Major Cabin Fever....So I Must Complain.

So tired, tired of snow days, tired of sick kids, tired of being a taxi driver, tired of being a referee, tired of being a maid, tired of complaining....just tired, tired of being tired.

I love my children more than life itself, I would die for them, I would kill for them...I would walk to the ends of the earth for them but....... I need me time, time to have fun, time to be around other adults, time to let go of the momma persona just for a minute....Yet I know I would feel guilty. Will the mama guilt ever stop? Will I ever be able to be my own person again without feeling guilty?  Will I ever feel that I do enough, will enough ever be enough?

Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a mom; I would not change that for all the money, power, and fame in the world. I feel lucky to have my girls, and the thought of not having them, well that thought is too dreadful to allow crossing my mind. Yet still I want to feel somewhat human and less like a.....I don't know a good word for what I feel, maybe kind of like an extension of my children with no identity of my own, Yes! That is how I feel.

It has been quite a while since I have had a kid free day; other than when they are at school but that time is spent cleaning, laundry, dishes, and it seems no matter how much I do that I will never catch up, no matter how much I do it will never be enough.... so I give up and do some things I enjoy like writing post for this blog, art, and the worse guilty pleasure is wasting time on Facebook playing stupid games just for an escape from the mundane chores of everyday life, and the chaos of three girls constantly fighting...fight about this, fight about that, fight! fight! fight! Ughh....

Did I mention the guilt for doing anything other than my motherly sick of the guilt, so tired of being tired?