November 5, 2014

Caring Without Hope.

Writing has been difficult for me. I want to write down my thoughts and feelings, I want to be able to let go, say what I feel....be vulnerable in  a safe place but every time I get to that point something unseen holds me back.  

Today I am just going to type whatever comes to mind, whether it makes sense or does not or even if it is coherent.

I am in a relationship that is stunted and always will be. I hold on to hope but now I am realizing that there is no hope, and there is no point in holding on to something without any hope, but yet I am finding it so hard to let go. I care, I love deeply but no matter how much I love it does not mean that the other cares as I do; not saying that the other does not care, just that he does not care as I do.

Things become one sided, and things become misunderstood, and I find it hard to find words to express my feeling without feeling I am overstepping my boundaries. I make it all way too difficult. I should just let go, move on and be done with it. I should but I am not.

So many questions entering in and out of my mind, I find so little answers, just more confusion, and with the confusions leads to me feeling hurt. It is not his fault but fault of my own. If I just let go I could move forward and find something more fulfilling, someone more wanting of me, wanting as I want him. But I have worked hard to get to a point of trusting him, I worked hard to learn about him, and when we are together lying in bed, wrapped around each other, it becomes effortless. We become one entangled into the other, and that is hard to find. So I hold on, even without hope, I hold on just for that moment of oneness.


I suppose slowly I will get to the point of not caring, I guess I am just hoping I will get to the point of not caring. I don't want to care, but yet I do....too much.


September 6, 2014

A Long Time

How long can one go through writers block? lol

I am still here, still battling with submission; still fighting the demons in my head...I just cannot seem to write my thoughts down, As soon as I get to the page to write my mind draws a blank.

So much has gone on, so much sorting needs to be done and this blog has been a good source for sorting, but my thoughts are so jumbled that the sorting seems almost impossible for me to do.

I know at times just winging it has been helpful....

Thinking now, sorting now...I just may be afraid of letting it all out. It is easier to shove it all down, easier to ignore than to face my feelings head on.

I cannot even complete a paragraph lol


I think I will push myself to write, even if it is just a bunch of nonsense (that is more nonsense than the usual).


May 22, 2014

One Painted Ass, Instead of a Story.






 I want to write about my time with Sir Jay, but it seems I am unable to form anything more than a sentence; so I will show my nicely painted ass instead....a picture is worth a thousand words, Right?

I was shocked with how vivid it was days after...that I just had to show him, and anyone who looks at this blog. I am sickly proud of how much pain I can take at times, I am a strange one indeed.


























May 6, 2014

Stroking My Ego


Photo by Anna May
I am not one to show off body, I am not one to boost my own ego.....but I am very proud of the way I look in this photo, and even prouder of myself photography skills.

So here is to me stroking my ego :) and getting me out of my comfort zone.

Pressing publish now.......

Here I go....

Published



Not Quite the Same.

Finally spring has arrived!

Kink has been a bit on the light side. The last time we went really intense and dark was in March. We were going to try a couple of weeks ago but my head was in a bad place so we decided to go lighter. We have been really soft on the S/M aspect; the last time my ass got a good beating was in March. There was a light ass beating a week or so ago, and I was a big wimp with it, I could not believe how little I could take before I was calling yellow and my yellow quickly became a red.

I am wondering if I am just bored with it and unable to get into that headspace, or simply I just need a break.

I am so new at this that I don't really know what to expect in the long run. I don't know if it will become a passing phase, or it ebbs and flows, in out and in again.

My sex drives seems to be taking a hit as well, as of late I have been more into the cuddles, and sweet kisses then the actual sex part....I mean I still get horny, and my fantasies are as vivid as ever, it just is not the same, it is odd for me. I still give it my all when I am with him; it just is my head is not in the same place as it was before.

It could be because I have been with Jay for almost a year now, and we are in the comfort zone. It is nice to be in a comfort zone, but at the same time I feel sort of lost. I am not familiar with this zone, it has been a while.

I do miss the super kinky sex....the like all the time kind, where it last all day and I walk out with a very well beaten ass. My throat sore from sucking and licking and taken him down as deep his cock will go. I mean we still kind of do that but not with the same undertone...I don't know, it just is different, not like it was.

I fear this is the end of the thrill, and I really, really like the thrill, then I start to think maybe it is the beginning of something new and more spectacular.


I am out of my comfort zone here and I don't know how to react, or what to do, or how I should feel.....ughh....  








April 23, 2014

I Am Still Here, I Think! Kidding I Am.



What do you write after being away from it for a while?

Life has gotten away from me; spring break, kids, all the little things along the way, and to add to it major writer block.

Lately I have been thinking more, and more about being submissive. It is a struggle to be who I feel I am, and  be what I feel I should be...or what everyone wants me to be....maybe it is just what I think everybody wants me to be.

Sir Jay had a comment on the sleight of a conversation we were having about I don't know what...but he made a  reference to me being a submissive, and how he has not met many women like me (that being a submissive outside of the bedroom as well). I took offence, I perceived how he said it to be of a negative factor of what feel I am, not a positive. I may be over thinking a simple comment said during a conversion that I forget what it was about. I may be looking too much into something that just is not. But I can't seem to shake his on the slight insight into my submissive.

Such an insignificant comment causing so much conflict in my head, why is it that I do this to myself, making something out of nothing?

Why is it that I continue to struggle with who I am? I continue to fight with the demons inside, and they seem to mostly have the upper hand....every now and then though, they will throw me a bone which leads me to think I may have won the battle, but then I realize I still stand inside the struggle.

I can't shake the thought that being of a submissive nature means a weakness of character. I question my own feelings inside. I am not weak, I know I am not weak...hell I am a single mother raising three girls all on my own, yet even with that knowledge of knowing the struggles of being a single mother, even with the knowledge of knowing how much strength was needed to overcome the death of my beloved, to overcome my fears of losing my mind, to overcome being alone; I still don't feel good enough. I feel weak because I can't do it all. I can't be the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, and most of the perfect woman.

Never going to be good enough, when am I ever going to be good enough?

One comment on the slight in a conversion I had in which I do not remember. Just a simple insignificant comment on who I feel I am, who I am; has leaded me to a cluster of unreasonable thoughts of who I think I should be.

How does one ever cure the over thinking mind, without drugs?