October 31, 2012

The Woman Inside the Mother.


   How I love to be played with by Sir, he knows all the right spots... all the right things to say and do. He can bring me to my knees with such ease. So why is it that I am having an inner struggle inside, little miss I don't need anyone, too proud to admit I like the way he treats me...respect my authority for it is the only authority...  too big for my own britches...you can't catch me naa-naa-. She won't get out of my head... Dang bitch is nagging me... telling me that happiness cannot be found with in submission.

    The so called voice of reason is telling me yo mama has taught you better than this. Calling me a fool, screaming and yelling... to Stop.

    I am saying to little miss know it all “but I am having such fun, and am so content". "What can be wrong with that... Sir makes me smile", "being submissive to him gives me such satisfaction that at times is incomprehensible, how easily I fell into the role... how well the dynamic works, at to what ease we seem to fit". 

    I know what it is I want... not so sure it is what I need... maybe that is what the inner struggle is about, needs vs. Wants. Often I put myself out of the equation... only taking my needs for survival and when I do take a want I feel guilty about it. The good ol" momma guilt trip... I have never really had to balance the two rolls of being women, and of being mother. Mother has always been top priority since the birth of my first child. The woman has been pushed back to live only in my fantasies.

     Now I must learn to be both for they go hand and hand but at times it is hard to define the woman inside and to give into her needs and wants. Because what mother wants to feel the slap of a man’s hand hitting hard on her ass or to be tied up and told what to do. Now the woman does... she loves all of that.

    Oh the dilemmas of a mind constantly pondering the whys, what’s, how comes, and how the hell do I get the mind to just be quiet... there now is the justification of a good hard thorough spanking. Oh the woman must come out and play.

October 24, 2012


   I have been trying to put a finger on what has been bothering me... and now I know what it is. I am scared, scared of being vulnerable... I am scared of showing how much I care and the capacity in which I care. I don't give the emotional aspect of me easily and for good reason. When I do, I give myself wholly...I am protective, and fiercely loyal to the ones I care about. Being friendships, being lovers, my family, I will protect them with all of my being. I know I need to let it go, need to open myself up, need to allow myself to fall...but unsure on how to go about doing it. How do I stop myself from closing up, from chasing people away? How do I stop such insecurities from getting in the way of my growth? I just don't know.

Why! In the Form of a Poem.

Question ask by Sir. What do you like about the pain, why do you crave it? What is it about the pain? How can you describe the feelings you have when being afflicted with pain? I will add that pain and humiliation go hand and hand for me.

I get a twisted sense of satisfaction,
I derive a strength unlike any other
I know I can be pushed.... and I like that.

I like the look I get from him,
 the depth in his eyes,
 the grin on his face,
 his satisfaction .

I like knowing that he can take me there,
as no other can...
And it hurts,
the words,
as well as the pain
but with each strike I feel the power surge in me.

When he uses me,
he takes what he wants...
he calls me names that I would never allow another.
I feel the power surge in me.
The energy.

You would think the energy would be a negative one
but it is not...
it is of power,
it is of strength.
It does not define who I am
but redefines who I could be.

I let go,
I become as I grow
I am challenged to how much I can bear...
I am pushed and the more I take the stronger I become.

I am not weak,
I am not nibbled of mind,
I know who I am, and that with certainty...
I would never change, I will only grow and become
the women I was born to be.  

October 23, 2012

Coming to Terms With Choices

There is a painting on my wall, it is blue and that is all.
  looking for that touch,
  the emotion of the artists.
The artist ponders the painting on the the wall,
wonders, what is next, should the artist take the digression and change it all
but the blue is so nice,
the shades drift in out of each other..
meeting to make a serene place to fall.
The artist...looks and ponders more,
  if she changes the painting,
  if she adds more,
  if she puts mountains
  or the sea..
  maybe birds dancing..
  maybe butterflies laughing...
then maybe she will mess up the beautiful blue
 and the blue would no longer drift
 in and out, out and in of each other
 then there wouldn't be anywhere to fall.
There is a painting on my wall, it is blue and that is all.

October 22, 2012


     I am so frustrated and I don't know why, it is this pent up feeling that just does not want to leave. I don't know what it is... why am I feeling this way? I hate this; I hate when you feel shity and have no reason to. I want to cry, but can't get any emotion out what so ever. I want to scream but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's an empty kind of gloom, a lingering darkness that is not quite sure if it wants to consume me yet. Broken but not shattered, and all I want to do is fall to pieces so I can put me back together again. To top it off, I am avoiding friends... why do I do this?? Why? I ask me why?  Oh the conversation I have in my head.

October 13, 2012

Screwing and Getting Screwed.


     I think I need to learn to just let things be... being not to change a lightbulb  how the heck can changing a dagg light bulb be so difficult? Unscrew remove,  screw new one back in. Wa-law done!! Nope not in my house. Only one was burned out... could of let it be. I mean I could still see (mind you it had been burned out for months) but I had new light bulbs and so unlike me I decided to get it done now instead of putting it off for tomorrow. Now I see why I always put thing off till tomorrow. Now thinking about it changing a light bulb at night probably.... was not the best of ideas, really can't see things as well especially seeing as it is a ceiling light. Oh well... end result is I broke one of the light sockets trying to get an old lightbulb out. Now I know what I will be doing tomorrow. And this has nothing at all to do with D/s relationship, other than the screwing part, and the fact it was a pain in the ass (unfortunately not the good pain).

October 11, 2012

A Prelude to BDSM

     I think I am getting a hang of this! Of course as soon as I think I am getting a hang of something, somehow another thing will trip me up. So far good, I will stick with the positive and allow no negative. Must be a positive experience or else I will give up before I begin.  Now I will need to start thinking of what to write about. There is so much but where to begin, a sputter of thoughts in the mind of a lost soul. I guess I will start with the beginning of my fascination with the BDSM lifestyle.

      I have always had a darker sense of myself, hidden inside a shy, somewhat awkward girl. Growing up in a single household, my mother was very strong willed and instilled in her girls a sense of independence. To never depend on anyone, to stand alone, to be strong without tears, and most of all never ever show any weakness to anyone, ever! With that said, I have always been ashamed of my thoughts of wanting to belong, to be someone else property.

      I never fantasized about the white knight, or prince charming. Always my dream guy was somewhat dark, seductive, cruel, yet underneath it all kind, giving and protective. I needed him as well as he needed me for my kindness and servitude my willingness to give and be what he willed. That thought process goes against everything I was taught as a child by my mother. I know my mother meant well, I know my mother only wants the best for her girls as I do with mine. But it made me ashamed of myself, thinking I was weak minded, feeling of worthlessness, for just being me.

     As I got older, I became very protective of myself, starting building walls around my emotions, never allowing anyone in. That included my relationships with friends as well as potential boyfriends. I had close girlfriends; I was always there for them. But rarely would I share my feeling, always being the strong one, the untouchable one. So when I would fall emotionally I would push all around me away, as mom said "never ever show any weakness to anyone, ever!"  I listened well. A very obedient child I was indeed.

     I have not been in many long term relationships do to the walls. I chased guys away that showed interest in me, and the jerks... I used before they could use me. My fantasies were my main way of getting off, per say.

Very rarely, if at all I could I find a man that would satisfy my needs. Can't say I made it easy. What I truly wanted I could never admit to out loud. To admit to someone my desires would cause heart failure, especially a lover.   

  I experiment more in my early 20s, finding assorted lovers none that made much of an impression on me. None that I could express myself to without feeling judged... at least that is what I thought. Now looking back on it I am sure there were one or two I could have been more open with and maybe they could of gave me what I wanted. But then I would have to admit to myself who I truly was, admit my true essence, and that went against every grain of how I was brought up.

      Life went on, one disappointment after another. Hiding my true self...  I was living in my fantasy world. Then I met the one, my love. How I wanted to give him the world.... just to submit to his desires, to be all his and no one else. But of course I played the hard ass role, I became very good at it, too good. I did give him the best I could, I ask more of him then I did anyone else. He was giving and loving... I was lucky so I thought. But I fell in love with an alcoholic and drug addict. He was never physically abusive to me, but the ups and downs of an alcoholic/drug addict are abusive enough, all on their own.

     I was so in love, and as loyal to him... as it is my nature to be. That I stayed with him till his death, and then my world changed.

     Took me six years to come to terms with his death, six years to heal, six years to redefine myself, I took the time to look deep into what I wanted, what I needed. To re adjust my behaviors, to ask myself the important questions, to become "ME" the true me, not the one created by circumstances or by the so called "Norm". I was slowly coming out of my shell but still hiding from the world. Around the six year anniversary of his death I decided to put me back out there, and that is what girl did... what a ride. I was able to experiment without guilt, what a freeing feeling to finally be me, the true me.

     I have learned quite a bit about myself with in the last year or so. I now accept my true submissive nature; I embrace it with wide open arms. I just needed to find someone that was willing to grow with me, teach me, guide me... use me. And lucky me I did or he found me, whichever way it works. Sir has been an eye opener for me, has been wonderful thus far... everything I thought a dominant male should be and more. He can bring me to my knees, bring me to tears, bring me to kiss his feet, and embrace his body. I belong to him, and would have it no other way.   

October 10, 2012

Nonsense, In the Form of Words.

    Starting off, what is it I want to say.. so much but words do not flow as easy as I would like.
I suppose in time the words will flow, they will come to me with ease but for now just a loss. A lot of babel in the recess of my mind. Thoughts that just can't form into a sentence, into a paragraph, into an essay. So for now I will leave it with this. A bunch of nonsense in how I can not form one decent thought.