October 31, 2013

Another Boring Post.

My head is here, there and everywhere, I guess that is really nothing new though.

There is still a lot of confusion with J, he is in a very indecisive state of mind, which leaves me to worry as where we stand. I am up and down in confusion, hurt, and feeling as if I am on the outside looking in. Though I know that is not his intentions. I do know that he cares, and I also realize that he is very torn. I wish that I could help him but any help I could give would just hinder his thought process. I know that he needs to be sure of what it is he wants in his life. If it be his ex, or I.

I am taking this time to really sort out my feelings, my wants, and needs. I came to the conclusion if this relationship does not play out in my favor, that I am going to look for a more meaningful relationship, one that builds over time, and is not based on sex. I now know I need that kind of stability in my life. I do realize that nothing is a guarantee but if I go in it with those expectations the  probability of what I want and need will become true.

And I must say I am so prepared for a break up, I think I have played every possible scenario in my head. I just need to write out the script.

I have also thought about my submissive and where she will fit in my life. I may need to shove her down for a while, till I establish something more meaningful. I can't go on living in a porn, and that is what it sometimes feels like, just without the pay check. The pay check would be nice.

This is where I am at, very boring, but necessary.  

October 25, 2013

Needing to Take a Few Steps back.

J is going through some hard times, with tragedies, family issues and the hitting of the metaphorical wall head on.  I know he needs time to recover, reflect, come to terms with some major life decision that he has put off and has effect his love ones more than he knew.

I feel helpless, he needs space, and he needs time. It has been hard for me, so much negative thoughts running through my mind. Though I do know it is not about me, but about him. But at times that seems to give me little comfort, my emotions take over, and I cry and cry till I think I can't cry no more.

My heart hurts for him, and I wish somehow I could absorb some of his pain, hurt and confusion to make it a little easier for him, but I am only left to stand on the side lines just hoping he will find some peace and solace in his time of great reflection.   

 I am becoming calmer; I know that whatever happens will be the best for both. But tomorrow can bring a host of new feelings. The hardest part for me right now is the not knowing. I realize that he is going through so much in his life, and I need to put my feeling of fear to the side, take it as it comes.

I have offered my shoulder for him to cry on, and my ear to listen. Now I guess I need to just stand back and be there for him when he is ready. I need to understand he may never be ready to share with me, and try to prepare myself mentally, and emotionally for a pending goodbye.

Right now I am trying to take the time to reflect on what I want in a relationship, be it him or someone else. Also I am trying to figure out what I am truly feeling with him, is it infatuation, lust, or a combo of both? Or is it more? I want to be true, true to him and true to myself. We both deserve that.

I do miss him madly, I miss him, and I am so afraid of losing him. But I wonder if my fear is of rejection or that I care so much I can't bear the thought of never being in his arms again? I need to know where my emotions are coming from. I need to be true to him, I need to be true to myself. I need to know that this relationship can grow, and the only way it can grow is to know what I am truly feeling. 

October 24, 2013

Just Need A Space to Sort Out My Thoughts.

I don't know where to go, I don't know who to turn to, I am without reason. I try to be supportive, I try to show I care by letting him be, giving him space, but I feel as if I am being held by a very thin string. keep me hangin on. And once his thoughts are clear, and he can take a deep breath and see some light at the end of the tunnel, I will be cut free with ease.

I am being pushed away, and I don't understand what is going on, I am out of the loop, a dog put out in the rain, trying to peer in to see what is going on but the curtains are closed.

What do I do?

He is so vague with me, telling me he will tell me soon, but I don't know how soon is soon. He says next email but the next email is a simple saying, no form to give me any understanding.

I am confused, I am going up and down with should I ask him, or should I wait till he is ready, and feels more comfortable telling me?

Why do I feel so insignificant, as if I am just meaningless? Just pinch in time, a moment wasted, here yet not here at all.

I hate feeling this way, I am so torn as to what to do.

I truly do not want to push him, I don't want to bother him when there is so much going on in his life. I want to be supportive but how can I be supportive when I do not even know what is going on? And is it that he does not trust to tell me? Or is it simply that I am overthinking it, putting too much thought into the simple fact that he just needs space, and time to get it all together?

Should I stay silent as I have or should I inquirer, should I pry?

Feel better now, thank you blog for listening to my non sense once again.

Now the decision to make a pot of coffee and stay up till kids have to go to school or try to salvage a few hours of sleep. What to do, what to do.....

Tis safe to say I am truly an overthinker.

October 23, 2013

Pushing Down The Woman Inside.

I hate feeling needy, but I need to be needy
I hate to be controlled, but I need to be controlled
I need to answer to someone else, and I hate admitting that
it makes my tummy turn inside.

I want to give, I want to be needed and wanted
I need to give
I need to give of myself to someone else
I don't know why

I want to feel small, if just for a moment
I want to feel humility
I am tired of my cocky pride
I am tired of always needing to be right

I don't want to be submissive
I don't want to be the pleaser
the needing to make everyone happy
but I am just that.

I need to be submissive
I need to please
I need to make everyone happy
but society says that makes one weak

I hate feeling that I must be what I am not
I hope one day I can accept what I am
I hope one day I can be who I am
I hope one day I can find one to accept me for me.

I am tired of pretending I am something that I am not
I want to be me, I want to be free
I need to be me
I want to accept and love the fact that I am a submissive woman

October 22, 2013

Kind of Lost

I don't seem to know what to write here anymore.

I think I have said all I could say.

It seems late at night, I awake and I think of all the stuff I do have to say, but when dawn breaks I know longer remember the struggles of  the night.

All I have in me is a ramble, a jumbled thoughts

There is still so much to learn, but today I feel I know it all. Yet night will come and remind me that I know nothing at all.

D/s, s/m...I am caught between wanting, and not wanting. I do not know who I am anymore. I thought I did, but lately I have been feeling unsure.

I may need time for reflection. Better yet, I need time for reflection. No need for "may".

 I have been going back and forth with how much control I want to give to another, I do think I know what I want but it is something that is not being offered to me at this time. Then I think maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want to be left to just me...as always it seems to be.

Maybe when tomorrow comes I will know better of what I want, but that is highly unlikely. Knowing me, I will just complicate all that is in my mind even more.

October 16, 2013

Masochism and Control

 I have been thinking since after my first cane beating, how my masochism and stubbornness can be a dangerous combination.

I tend to hold off on calling yellow, I hold off even more calling red. I have to prove I can take more and then even more.

I have to prove it to myself; I have to prove to him. And it hurts, and I cry but I try to keep my tears hidden, I bite my lip, I scream out inside so he cannot hear me. But that is what he is working towards, my tears, my screams of agony, which is what he feeds from as a sadist.

 Now I know he does not want it to go to the point of no return, nor do I. But it is so hard to hold back, so hard for me to not have a smirk on my face, to smile at him as he is hurting me, challenging him in every way possible, fighting for control, not wanting to give it away, and trying to take his away.

Why, as a submissive do I fight control when in a darker scene? Are my masochistic needs stronger than my submission to him?

I push, and push, I love to push it gives me great satisfaction to see the darkness is his eyes. Does that make me as sadistic as he?

I fear at times I will push him over the edge, though he says he has control at all times. But what if one day I do push him to the point where he loses control. Mind you he is a big guy and I know he can do serious harm to me with little effort. But yet, I push.

Is it fear in which I seek? Maybe that is it, it is in the fear.

October 11, 2013

What Makes Me Feel.

   I have no tears for what cannot feel

I put little value on materialistic things, not saying I do not need or want of things, things do make life easier and more enjoyable, but things do not feed my soul, things do not make me feel with great deep emotion, things do not move me. So a thing may never bring tears to my eyes....with exception to sentimental things but the feeling of loss does  not come from the thing per say, but from a moment, a person, a love, from an accomplishment achieved, the remainder of the joy with in a moment that passed. But even if I would lose something sentimental, my tears would only be for the moments I feel I may have lost.

I think often in today world we get caught up with what we have and what we have not. I don't have much, but I have more than many. I have roof over my head; I have food in my tummy, clothes on my back, clean water to drink. I have a vehicle to drive, to get me from here to there and back again. I have means of communication, and I have other stuff...lots of stuff that holds no importance to me. And I can get rid of stuff with ease, with no tears shed. It does not mean much to me.

I love to paint, and draw; I love the feeling of emotions that come out from doing so, what it represents from my soul, my essence, my inner being. But even my art holds little value in my heart; I can let it go with ease, not a tear to be shed. I really don't even care to make money from my art. I just give it away to family, to friends, it makes me happy to see them happy, to me that is what life is about.

I sometimes get caught up with the competitions of who has more and/ or better stuff. And then after I spent what money I do not have, I get rid of said stuff. It does not fill me, it leaves me empty. Then there are times I feel sorry for myself because I do not have what others have. But if I did would that make me happy? And the answer always is no, no it will not make me happy. It will not feed my soul. Then I think of people who have very little, who have no roof over their head, very little food to feed their tummies, flimsy rags for clothes, and dirty water to drink. Funny thing is they do not feel sorry for what little they have. They live to survive.

So what is stuff? It is momentary, it is replaceable, it does feel and it does not feed the soul. So why do so many put so much value on stuff and little value on the living?

I have no tears for what cannot feel, I have tears for what can feel...I feel for the ones that truly need and I loathe the people who never can have enough, who feel entitled to belittle what can feel, and worship what cannot.

I will shed a tear for humanity, I will grieve for those who have lost what the true meaning of living is, and then after I will celebrate all that I have, and all that I have is the love I receive from the people I have been blessed with in my life. And celebrate the ones that understand what living is all about.


October 9, 2013

Kink, I and the Forever Changing Tides

    Kink has taken an odd turn for me since being with J; some of my stronger fantasies have shifted to wanting to have, to not wanting at all. My wanting to add other into the room has diminished, the thought does not thrill me, does not turn me on like it has in the past.

I have been trying to search out the reason to why. Maybe it is the consistency in which he sees me. Although I have had other consistent relationships and the fantasy still were very strong, almost insatiable. Yet with him they are not, they kind of just faded till they dropped out of my mind. He, a few weeks back brought up bringing someone in to the bedroom to fulfill one of my fantasies and I just blankly stared at him, thinking "how dare he make such a suggestion" knowing clearly that it was a fantasy of mine not his.

So why do I have such a change of heart? What is different in me? What is different in this relationship verse others? And most of all, what the hell has he done with me? Is it growth; am I a growing in the sense of what I want from another? Has he shown me what it is that I truly desire, but am too afraid to admit that I am capable of giving more of myself then the superficial? Oh so my questions to ask myself and so many answers to search for.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of things I still want to do, try and discover within myself but they are just not the same as they were before.

Maybe I am afraid of the consequences of TTWD can bring, for I have paid my dues with that by jumping into too much too quick with the wrong person. But still that should not affect my fantasies seeing as I still had them even after failed first time with this TTWD. So that is not it.

Maybe I am growing board, and desensitized to the kink, that I am searching for something in my life that is more meaningful, not saying that kink in not meaningful, I still love certain aspects of it, I still want to discover more, just not like the way I did a couple months back.

I am no less submissive, maybe having a harder time letting go of myself....but that is a whole other blog post so I will leave that one be for now.

I guess all in all, the simplest answer for me would be things come and go and even come back again. I am happy to see some of my darker fantasy drift out of my mind, I am happy I am getting a better understanding of my needs, wants, and what the difference between the two are.


When will I be big enough? lol   

October 4, 2013

Surprised !

I got the most wonderful surprise!

My dear man made me think he was still away, and that he wanted to do some online play, which is odd for him. So he got me all set up, doing as he wanted without seeing me, wanting to go a bit darker than usual. Some of what he ask for me to do I found odd and he got me thinking that he just maybe was going to stop by, just maybe...but then I thought maybe he wanted me to think that as part of the game. 

He stopped by!

Without even a hello, he order me to stay still, I obeyed ( which was hard because I was so happy to have him there) He brought with him a new toy/implement, one that I have been wanting to try for a while, a bamboo cane...and I sure got what I ask for, and it was wonderful in the most hurty of ways.

My ass has seen some hurt, I have had a colorful ass, I have had staying welts and bruising but I have never, ever had welting bruises like this. It is a weird feeling, sitting here on my bottom. It is somewhat numb but I can feel the welts as I sit.

He seemed to have no mercy, taken me as far as he thought I should go. He brought much needed tears to my eyes, which I tried to fight...I was not wanting too let go, was feeling the need to be stubborn and defiant. But I needed to let go. It was so hard to let go, but he got me there with many hard stinging whacks, and a few not so nice words of encouragement. The combo got me to where I needed to be. It felt nice to cry, to let go and be his for a little bit. To feel his power over me, to be defeated and be content with it.

Unfortunately with every hello there has to be a goodbye...I don't like goodbyes, but  with him I know we will have more hellos, till then I will have to be content with a very sore behind. 

October 1, 2013

Self Doubt

I started this blog for someone who did not care, I shared so much of me with someone who had no intentions in truly getting to know me. I continued this blog to heal, a testament to my truth; which now I question. I hold on to this blog hoping that I will find my truth, I will see though my lies... I will learn and continue the journey, and hope that I will grow.

 I am struggling with warding off self doubt.

I have such a wonderful man in my life, and that is what I wanted. I have someone who does not demand too much of my time, and that is what I need. So why do I question?

I need to find some peace of mind, some solace in side. I need to learn to take things in stride but it seems to be a constant struggle. Why do I struggle with such a simple thing? I just need to let things be, not to worry constantly about the other shoe falling when both are on securely.

I don't understand how to be secure in a relationship, I don't understand how to let the moment hold me captive, after he is gone. As soon as he walks out the door I question the meaning of it all, I am full of self doubt. I have not had anyone since my girls father show me such care and affection. It is odd to me, I am not use to this. I am constantly question if it is real, when is he going to run? Why has he not yet? Why does he stay, when I have tried? This scares me, it scares me to care this much, and even scarer is he seems to as well.

I question my judgment, I think it sad that I can't even trust myself. But to many  times I have fooled myself into seeing something that was not real, I lied to myself trying to convince myself that my reality laid within a false reality which was never mine. How can I trust me, when I don't even know what is real?

I stand by just watching myself move in out of days. I do stop to take notice of all that is wonderful in my life; which is so much...but beside that I just ponder and question myself, so much self doubt and I don't know how to move forward to let the self doubt go.