October 25, 2013

Needing to Take a Few Steps back.

J is going through some hard times, with tragedies, family issues and the hitting of the metaphorical wall head on.  I know he needs time to recover, reflect, come to terms with some major life decision that he has put off and has effect his love ones more than he knew.

I feel helpless, he needs space, and he needs time. It has been hard for me, so much negative thoughts running through my mind. Though I do know it is not about me, but about him. But at times that seems to give me little comfort, my emotions take over, and I cry and cry till I think I can't cry no more.

My heart hurts for him, and I wish somehow I could absorb some of his pain, hurt and confusion to make it a little easier for him, but I am only left to stand on the side lines just hoping he will find some peace and solace in his time of great reflection.   

 I am becoming calmer; I know that whatever happens will be the best for both. But tomorrow can bring a host of new feelings. The hardest part for me right now is the not knowing. I realize that he is going through so much in his life, and I need to put my feeling of fear to the side, take it as it comes.

I have offered my shoulder for him to cry on, and my ear to listen. Now I guess I need to just stand back and be there for him when he is ready. I need to understand he may never be ready to share with me, and try to prepare myself mentally, and emotionally for a pending goodbye.

Right now I am trying to take the time to reflect on what I want in a relationship, be it him or someone else. Also I am trying to figure out what I am truly feeling with him, is it infatuation, lust, or a combo of both? Or is it more? I want to be true, true to him and true to myself. We both deserve that.

I do miss him madly, I miss him, and I am so afraid of losing him. But I wonder if my fear is of rejection or that I care so much I can't bear the thought of never being in his arms again? I need to know where my emotions are coming from. I need to be true to him, I need to be true to myself. I need to know that this relationship can grow, and the only way it can grow is to know what I am truly feeling. 

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