Losing one’s mind has it benefits, actually I am grateful for loosing mine.... pure hell but coming out on the other side, and still alive is its own reward. I have learned so much, I was stripped of all pride; I was forced to look in the mirror and see me for what I was….Striped down and bear to bone... no hiding from the demons no diminishing my faults. I first had to see the negatives; I had to feel the down...needed to go through the self-abuse, self-loathing, to see through to the center to get to the essence which is me. Truth became what I seek, what I seek in me, what I seek from life. And truth is what I found but I could not find truth in a rose colored world, could not find truth in world full of lies... and the worse lies are the lies we tell our selves… so broken, torn I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and see me for all I was.
I found in those dark years a little girl who fell into the world of victim, I gave people power, too much power, probably power that they did not even know they could have over another. With that I gave away my own power and my own happiness. And that was sad, it was sad to see in myself...sad to see that I wasted so many years hating, so much hating of people who did not care ether way... so much power for nothing. I learned forgiveness, I learned to let go, I learned how not to hate...so self-defeating hate is. With that knowledge I got back my power.
I no longer give anyone power over me, even in a power exchange relationship...my power is still in me, my choice is still mine... I see as we both get something. I like giving, I like giving into Sir...the feel of his control gives me power… gives me strength to be me, and be comfortable with who I am. It is odd, I suppose or maybe not...to give so willing so much but get even more in return... Submissive cannot be weak because it takes strength to give. I could not do this in my early 20's, or even later... I needed to see me for all my weakness before I could see me for all my strengths... and be able to give so freely to one who can possess it so well.