Sticky feeling of contempt that keeps on washing over me...there is something that is brewing at the top that has for a while that I just can't seem to let out… no matter how hard I try. I want to let go, free myself of the burden, but keep on struggling with facing it... I shove its little ugly head down any time it seems to bubble up. Trying so hard to figure out what it is, where is it coming from?
Got it!!! Roadblocks galore, I don't want to let her (the woman in grief) go, I don't want to let him go... I don't want to move on... I want to hang on to the idea of what would've been. I want my family that I was supposed have. I want my children to have their father; I want to have my lover... I want to have that deep connection, that bond the feeling of being one with another, and I am afraid it is a one shot deal. I have come to the conclusion that my romantic life is to be a revolving door... one lover after another. One lesson after another ... I want to be good, I want to be pure... I want to wholly and truly be his...but the roadblocks. How am I to let go? Time heals and it has. But being a person of such passion, such intensity I tend to hang on to, too much for too long.
Sir is patient...for that I am lucky also, and I will be patient with him. But I cannot be my best for him if I don't let my affair with the dead go. I have been on this rode far too long, he is not coming back...I have bargain and lost, I have pleaded and begged... and the powers have dined me his return. I have look to the devil and offered my soul, and even it could not bring him back to me. It is coming to the point if I don't let go it will destroy any chance, at any happiness for me....7 years and still holding on to the ghost. I need to let go, he would've wanted me to. But the pill is a jagged one and so hard to swallow.
Sir is good; I know he is good... I see it in his eyes, and eyes don't lie. I feel lucky every time I am in his arms, just to have him for a moment is better to have never had him at all. But life is fleeting and there are no guarantees....not for me, not for him or anyone for that matter. So I am at the stage of convincing myself to just let go, let be what will... to give in. Not give up, just give in... Stop the fighting, the inner struggle with being faithful to the dead.
I will grow, I will give that...and with growth you need to let go, I will give that. I will find that inner strength to let go... to move on, to be free. To no longer bear the cross of the past that holds me down. I will look to the future.. I will see happiness there; I will see content instead of contempt... I will grow to be the woman I am, I have always been... to show my true inner beauty my true inner strength. So not only will I reap the benefits but so will my children...and so will anyone who is lucky enough to be part of my life.