June 28, 2013

Defeated

I give, life wins...I gave it my best, I tried but life is too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".

Ok, I get it, I put myself up to be defeated by challenging life. But a girl gotta try, so I tried; and well a girl gotta learn, I learned. Got to big for my breaches, a little cocky, thinking I knew it all (ok not all, but most). Should know better, but threw caution to the wind anyway; fly than fall, but it is all ok, brush off my knees and do it again; just not up against life. Life is too clever, too clever for me. I say "well played life, well played".


June 25, 2013

Lessons

I have been holding on to this feeling for too long, I need to get the feeling out there so I can let it go and move on. Kind of getting tired of the hamster wheel turning through my head for the past few nights...constant echos of why?

I did not understand why I was still holding on to feelings for Sir (if in future I refer to him it will be R). I don't understand why I can not let go of something that was not for me, and why I would want that again, so much hurt, so much confusion.

So the past few nights I have been spinning, trying to get to the bottom of what it was, and why it was. My philosophy in life is; it is like a book, every chapter having a lesson, and if the lesson is not learned your doomed to repeat it over and over till you understand. I do not want to repeat that lesson again, so to not repeat that lesson I have to dig deep into myself, I need to look at  what happened and why. I need to take accountability in my part but I also need not take all the blame, I may not be able to hold him accountable for his part, which is fine. But I need to accept that I am not all to blame. And that is part of the lesson. I need to know that it was not me all alone.(Lesson one)

The first night R and I spent together was odd, accelerating, and made me feel down on myself  but it for told how the story would go, how the story would end. And one part of the story, of the first time we got together is the morning after. I woke before he, and my plans were to just up and leave...make it another one nighter in a line of many one nighters. But something in me said that it would be rude and that I would not want that done to me, so I woke him to tell I needed to get going, my thoughts were he would just say "ok" roll over and fall back to sleep but no! No he did not; he talked with me for a bit, a little teasing, a hug and a kiss, he made me feel good, after feeling bad, and that kind of pissed me off, took me off my game. And so the story is foretold.

He was the kind of man that can make you feel fantastic but at the same time awful, out sorts, unimportant. Which was very confusing; ups and downs and all arounds can make one feel quite dizzy, and uncertain of oneself. Lowering one's ability to see what is so clear, so in your face that the question comes how can one be so stupid to not see the obvious. Now don't get me wrong, I question myself often, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt, but at that time I could not put anything in to perspective, I could not understand what it was I was going through.

Now the nature of this game can be a beast if played the wrong way. It can go very wrong, it can leave scars if one is not aware of oneself (lesson two). I did not take accountability for myself, I did not take care of myself, I did not listen to myself... all very dangerous things to do in this TTWD. If I did I would've been self aware that how he was treating me was wrong. As I often felt like a toy; me thinking it being just part of the game but not realizing when the play was over, I was once again human. Now mind you, this I do not put on him, and I would like to think that it was not all intentional, I would like to think that he did care enough not to purposely leave me feeling empty ......which leads us to (lesson three)

Good communication; one can talk about it till ones face turns red but if not practiced it is just a waste of breath. Now in the beginning communication was good but as time went by it became apparent that it no longer existed. I tried to reopen the door but only through email; email is not the best medium for  communication, to much gets lost in translation; it becomes more work with no results. Now if I communicated my feeling of doubt when we were together, well at least I could say I truly tried.

(Lesson four) Trust thee gut, if your thoughts go round and round and your head hurts, your heart hurts, your tummy feels all icky. You feel empty, you feel used, you get the uneasy I need to stop this now feeling... do it! No need to carry on when something that is supposta be fun is no longer fun.

(Lesson five) A tiger has stripes, no matter what the tiger tries to tell you...it still has stripes, you can not deny a tiger its stripes, even if said tiger does not see them...still has stripes. Meaning a man is a man, is one, is two they all follow a similar pattern; just as women do. No shame in the man game, is why I love them. But it is what it is...This one is a repeat lesson, now I get it.

Infatuation is blinding, it makes fools of intellects, it brings the strongest of the strong down to there knees...it happens. Live and let live and forgive; knowing you may be a fool again and so what, fools happen.(lesson six) Accepting that I am human, and I do stupid things, I act silly, I try to play cool but who am I fooling? Right just myself. Forgiveness of ones foolishness, accepting ones foolishness and moving on...Kinda like practicing what I preach, ha ha ha...  

Wow! Writing this out really helped me put things in perspective, I can see clearer now, the haze is lifting...lesson becoming apparent.

I know I need to let go, there is no need to hold on, it is what it is and what is done is done. I shall have no regrets in this life and by having no regrets I know I have learned. When my time has come, I can go knowing I lived to the fullest of my potentiel. I know I am the only one that can keep me down, and the only one that can build me up (lesson seven).

How freeing it is accepting my truths; it is time for me to turn the page, time for the next chapter. I am excited I think this one will be a good one....maybe a test on what I have learned, and if I truly have learned than only good can come of it.

June 21, 2013

My Thoughts on the "Rape Culture" Argument

I have wrote about rape before, going on a tangent, a nonsense words...but I feel super passionate about this topic, not only as a woman, but as one that unadmitted has had it done to her and as one who has someone near and dear to her raped. Both cases alcohol was involved; in my case drugs were involved as well. I blame myself, I put myself in the predicament, I suffered the consequences  of feeling used, of feeling like a slut, feeling of self loathing. The same for my sister, who after was unable to enjoy sex for four years. I dealt with it by being promiscuous, taking back my power by sleeping with men, and not giving a damn about them as the men that used me, did to me. Did any of the men suffer any consequences for their action NO! They all justified it by believing because we were drunk we were asking for it. We felt guilty because we were drunk, and were deserving of it. Why? because society says so.

When will the blame of the victim stop? When will society stop this assault on women?

Some say because we're women we have to be held at higher standard than men. We must not tempt, tease, we must dress appropriately (though I was, though my sister was). We must not get drunk, we must walk down the street always checking our backs. We must never, ever lead a man on...What is leading a man on? We must not be sexually open. We must be saints, but even saints get raped.

When will the blame of the victim stop? When will society stop this assault on mothers, on sisters, daughters, aunts, grandmas. When?

Now don't get me wrong, there is a responsibility to oneself, but to say I asked for it, to say my sister asked for it, that any women who has suffered rape, or sexually assaulted asked for it, well that is just plain Wrong. The perpetrators are to blame, and the perpetrators need to take responsibility for their action as well. I am tired of taking the responsibility for something I did not ask for, I payed my dues, I suffered the consequences of trusting two men I knew, I did not think they would put me on display, and use me. I blamed myself for too long, and am tired of feeling unworthy because of one night long ago. I did not agree to it. I was incapable of agreeing to anything and they knew that.

When will the blame of the victim stop? When will society stop this assault on women?

Come one, come all and tell me I got what I deserved.

Call me stupid
Call me slut
Call me loose
A whore
I have because that is what society has taught me to believe.

But I will be Damned!! If that is what my daughter ever, ever believe about themselves.

I think we women need to stand tall, and stand up for each other. I think we women need to stop degrading each other. I think we women need to assure each other of our place, of being human. We women are the epitome of strength and we need to remind each other of just that.

We can change society's views, but we need to unite as one, and stop blaming the victims of rape, and sexual assault.

I love this, it is time for change and Scotland gets it. http://www.upworthy.com/oh-so-in-scotland-they-actually-dont-promote-rape-culture?c=ufb1

June 20, 2013

Just Sorting Out Thoughts....boring stuff.

I am bored, I have not been bored since the girls have been out of school.

I have been puttering around the house doing this and that...and not get anything really finished. I started pulling weeds, and that bored me, I started doing laundry but really don't care to fold it. Dishes I have looked at and thought about doing...obviously did not think too hard about it; they are still sitting in the sink begging to be done. I did a little work on my painting, but I need to let it dry before I can finish it up.

Along with doing this and that around the house I have been overthinking. Overthinking is never good, never, ever good.

One million and one thoughts racing through my head all the stuff that can wrong but nothing can go right, how I loathe my negative thinking. Though I have had a nice break from it. Now one must gorge ones feeling, to be able to let it go.

I hate when I get all subbie with a man, it sucks but yet I crave it. I really like my new Dom, he is a fantastic man, he makes me feel good inside and out. I know the relationship is new, I know good things can come of it....but I want to run. I am getting scared that I will fall for him, I don't like that feeling, it is a feeling of losing control. I don't want to let my controll go once again, and get burned. And I was doing good with maintaining my control, keeping my composure but I feel it slipping and once I give it to him I know the chase is gone and I will be left feeling empty and used.

I can't do that again, I just don't have it is me.

Also I found out  that he is only four months out of his last relationship, he was with her for 1 1/2 years, and  they were planning on moving in together. I am first girl since break up, which leaves me once again a rebound girl. Rebound girl is not a fun role to play, it sucks. Why? Just why is it that I run into this, there must be something about me, and I don't know what it is...it is so frustrating.

I enjoy playing with him, he is very effective with his hands and belt...very yummy for my masochist. There is a trust there, there is a mutational respect, he seems to care very much. But I know how rebounds go, and though his intentions are good, and pure I know how quick one can swich. I know how easy I am to replace, and how easy I am to hurt.

I can't do it again, I don't have it in me.

I can let this ride out, and I can hope that I am the exception. But I know better, people are people and as unique as we may want to make ourselves seem, we all travel in the the same predictability. Call me cynical (tis the truth) but cynicism does have its place and more often than not it is right on target.

I think next time I see him I will bring this up, he deserves to know where I am at in my thoughts, and I deserve to let my feeling be known.



June 17, 2013

I Got to Top, Little Ole' Me Topping.

Sleeping in is sleeping in and I so do love to sleep.

I hate when I do not want to write, I don't want to write because things are going well, and if I write things are going well then somehow, I don't know how...things will somehow fall down all around. But I hate that I only write when things are not so good, what is the point to have only documented that of the bad and not the good.

I think I am done now with the nonsense rambling, I think?

Things are  wonderful with new Dom, I feel super content, wanted, needed, cared for, everything wonderful that one can hope for. I know I should continue to date but as of now I feel no need for it, I feel it would only complicate and confuse me.

But I still remain talking to a couple of the guys I have met through dating. The man I was talking with who was polly and submissive, we ended up going to the dungun together (as friends) tis fun trying to get two subbies together.... Which you wanna do? what do you want to do? No what do you want to do? I don't know? What are you thinking of? I don't know, what are you thinking of?...Yep can be a long night lol

So with that being said, that is kind of how our night started off down at the dungun. He wanted so badly to meet a Domme, I kept asking him what he wanted from a dommie all I got a lot of uncertainty (subs are a pain in the ass, I have been scratching my head as to wondering why Doms even deal with us lol) finally I got him thinking or he got me thinking....but I throw the offer out there again that I would be more than happy to Top him in the me playing the sadistic manner, if that is what he was looking for. He finally took up my offer. And I was more than up for it after teasing me that I could not put enough umph to cause him any pain. I so loathe when people underestimate my size.

I went and picked out a few implements, as he got undressed and laid on the table. I was a bit unsure of myself... worrying I would either be to gentil, or to hard. I started off with a few gentil tosses with a flogger and got a little more aggressive, maybe a bit too much so I was asked to tone it down. I did, it was not as much fun toned down, so I choose one of the other implements. A thick leather swatty thingy, it had a good thump, and loud crack to it. Also left his back a nice pinky/red color, then I went to a thinner brown leather thingy that had a super nice slapy sound, and leaving some sweet welts. He laid back as if in a massage parlor, every now and then I would get a good hard whack to get a reaction or grimace from him, then he would ask me to slow down, I reminded him that he is lucky he is starting off with a sub, a Domme would not be so giving lol. Not saying it was easy for me, he was kinda pissing me off, I wanted to say "Man it up" but seeing as the both of us are learning I thought better of it.

It was nice, I truly enjoyed beating his back...making it red, and welted and to top it I gave him a few little bruises. I am  kinda proud of myself, it is nice to know I can bring that aspect of me out, and not fear of hurting someone who would not want otherwise. It was also nice to know I could bring someone else to a happy/content state of mind. I am looking forward to bringing him even further into the bliss that pain can bring. But I also know that the closest to Domming anyone would be through pain, I could not do any sexule domming. Good thing for him and I, neither of us are looking for that aspect. Happy, happy, joy, joy all around.

I am looking forward to seeing where this may or may not go, I think he is as well.

 

June 8, 2013

The Here and Now

So I have a little free time to put thoughts into words. Though not uninterrupted free time...free time nonetheless.

I am trying to process what is going on with my new fling, he is a wonderful man, sweet, kind, giving, funny, a wonderful communicator, open, and willing to be vulnerable with me. I find that
I am not questioning his intent, it is clearly written in his eyes, and what his eyes do not tell his actions portray. There is no uncertainty to his willingness to be true, I do believe what he says, I do not feel he is trying to fool me, pull the wool over my eyes, be a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is real, and I am not frightened by him. I am not intimidated by his openness, his willingness...his vulnerability.  

So what is a girl to do? I could pick him to pieces, try to dig for something gruesome. Make up, make believe stories in my head to make me think he is not who he says. But I don't feel like doing that, I don't feel like running, I don't feel like closing off, or regressing. I don't feel like chasing him away by all means necessary. I really would like him to stay.... I like him, I truly do.

I would like to write down my fears, but my fears are premature they hold no logic or reason, and I am ok with that. I don't feel I need to, I don't feel the need to make something out of nothing, or nothing out of something. I think I will just enjoy this one, I think I will savor the refreshing taste of something real, and easy...something true, not perfect, just right at the right time.

I know without any doubt that no matter what will become of him and I, that it is going to be good. I don't know why, I just know. He is unlike any other man I have met,(my closest  comparison is to my children's father, but not as dramatic) there is just a natural comfort, nothing needing to be forced. Not even needing to get ahead of myself, just easy, breezy...comfortable.

So that is where I am at, not closing the door to other possibilities, just enjoying the here and now.



Kinda how I feel when the wee ones are out of school.

  




June 7, 2013