Thoughts come and go like a flash of light. As soon as I think I have something worth writing about I forget how I wanted to present the topic. As soon as I make sense of the chaos in my head, and I think I have it all figured out; I find all the confusion has just come back but through the back door, out one, in an other.
I will just jump in it, and see what comes out....hopefully it will all make sense once put into words.
I have been thinking a lot about being submissive and what that means to me, and how it has evolved through my relationships with Dominant men.
I am not sure if I want to venture any deeper into my submissive. I find it exhausting, and cumbersome. The journey has proven difficult and has left me with a lot of fears. I do know anything worthwhile is not easy, but accepting this aspect of me has been heart wrenching and very lonely. As much as I want to set myself free, and just be me, I don't think I can. I just can't seem to find the strength with in me. My inner essence is too fragile, and finding the strength to protect that with in me is not as easy as I anticipated.
With my first Dom, he said "to be submissive is showing strength". I did not understand fully what he meant, I thought to myself "how is it strength, to be just who you are", Easy! Right? Now I know. It takes tremendous courage and strength. Lesson learned.
At first when I entered this TTWD (which was not so long ago), I felt a sort of freedom. I felt like I found my place in the world, I found me, true me, and most of all I found acceptance. But acceptance has faded, my place has changed as tides change. And I know longer know what it is I seek.
My relationship with J still stands, it is stangmented though; I do not see it lasting much longer. I care deeply for him but I know a losing battle when I see one, and this is that.I don't think my next relationship will be with a Dom type.
Maybe tomorrow I will feel different about where I am at, but as of now this is how I feel. Maybe tomorrow I will find the courage to carry on with this submissive journey, but as of now; I am too worn out, I am too torn.