I finally got the clarity I was looking for from J, having that clarity has left me in a much calmer state.
There is much going on in his life, he is at a crossroads and needs to make some choices. I happen to be one of the choices. I am not yet sure how this makes me feel. I am trying to be level headed, and not think too deeply into it.
I have asked him if he would like me to walk away from our relationship, just bow out. I do not want to make things more difficult for him. He said he is not there yet, if I wanted to walk away that he would not blame me but he is not ready to let me go, and I am not ready to let him go either.
He stopped by Friday; we had much needed cuddle and nookie time. It was nice; I missed the closeness that we share together. I missed him madly.
Since then he has been keeping in touch with me more consistently than he has in a while. I like it; it gives me that sense of security that I need to keep me level. I like this contention I feel, and I don't want to start with my what ifs, and where it may or may not go. I just want to enjoy whatever amount of time I will have with him.
I don't know if that makes me foolish and stupid, to stay with someone who is unsure if he wants to stay with me. And if it was anyone else, goodbye would have been said a few weeks back. But it is him and for some reason not yet apparent to me, I don't want to let him go till he is ready. That whomever he chooses to be in his life, I just want him happy, even if happiness is without me.
I am calm even with the knowledge of knowing that our relationship may end sooner than later.
We will grow and flourish