I have been holding on to this feeling for too long, I need to get the feeling out there so I can let it go and move on. Kind of getting tired of the hamster wheel turning through my head for the past few nights...constant echos of why?
I did not understand why I was still holding on to feelings for Sir (if in future I refer to him it will be R). I don't understand why I can not let go of something that was not for me, and why I would want that again, so much hurt, so much confusion.
So the past few nights I have been spinning, trying to get to the bottom of what it was, and why it was. My philosophy in life is; it is like a book, every chapter having a lesson, and if the lesson is not learned your doomed to repeat it over and over till you understand. I do not want to repeat that lesson again, so to not repeat that lesson I have to dig deep into myself, I need to look at what happened and why. I need to take accountability in my part but I also need not take all the blame, I may not be able to hold him accountable for his part, which is fine. But I need to accept that I am not all to blame. And that is part of the lesson. I need to know that it was not me all alone.(Lesson one)
The first night R and I spent together was odd, accelerating, and made me feel down on myself but it for told how the story would go, how the story would end. And one part of the story, of the first time we got together is the morning after. I woke before he, and my plans were to just up and leave...make it another one nighter in a line of many one nighters. But something in me said that it would be rude and that I would not want that done to me, so I woke him to tell I needed to get going, my thoughts were he would just say "ok" roll over and fall back to sleep but no! No he did not; he talked with me for a bit, a little teasing, a hug and a kiss, he made me feel good, after feeling bad, and that kind of pissed me off, took me off my game. And so the story is foretold.
He was the kind of man that can make you feel fantastic but at the same time awful, out sorts, unimportant. Which was very confusing; ups and downs and all arounds can make one feel quite dizzy, and uncertain of oneself. Lowering one's ability to see what is so clear, so in your face that the question comes how can one be so stupid to not see the obvious. Now don't get me wrong, I question myself often, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt, but at that time I could not put anything in to perspective, I could not understand what it was I was going through.
Now the nature of this game can be a beast if played the wrong way. It can go very wrong, it can leave scars if one is not aware of oneself (lesson two). I did not take accountability for myself, I did not take care of myself, I did not listen to myself... all very dangerous things to do in this TTWD. If I did I would've been self aware that how he was treating me was wrong. As I often felt like a toy; me thinking it being just part of the game but not realizing when the play was over, I was once again human. Now mind you, this I do not put on him, and I would like to think that it was not all intentional, I would like to think that he did care enough not to purposely leave me feeling empty ......which leads us to (lesson three)
Good communication; one can talk about it till ones face turns red but if not practiced it is just a waste of breath. Now in the beginning communication was good but as time went by it became apparent that it no longer existed. I tried to reopen the door but only through email; email is not the best medium for communication, to much gets lost in translation; it becomes more work with no results. Now if I communicated my feeling of doubt when we were together, well at least I could say I truly tried.
(Lesson four) Trust thee gut, if your thoughts go round and round and your head hurts, your heart hurts, your tummy feels all icky. You feel empty, you feel used, you get the uneasy I need to stop this now feeling... do it! No need to carry on when something that is supposta be fun is no longer fun.
(Lesson five) A tiger has stripes, no matter what the tiger tries to tell you...it still has stripes, you can not deny a tiger its stripes, even if said tiger does not see them...still has stripes. Meaning a man is a man, is one, is two they all follow a similar pattern; just as women do. No shame in the man game, is why I love them. But it is what it is...This one is a repeat lesson, now I get it.
Infatuation is blinding, it makes fools of intellects, it brings the strongest of the strong down to there knees...it happens. Live and let live and forgive; knowing you may be a fool again and so what, fools happen.(lesson six) Accepting that I am human, and I do stupid things, I act silly, I try to play cool but who am I fooling? Right just myself. Forgiveness of ones foolishness, accepting ones foolishness and moving on...Kinda like practicing what I preach, ha ha ha...
Wow! Writing this out really helped me put things in perspective, I can see clearer now, the haze is lifting...lesson becoming apparent.
I know I need to let go, there is no need to hold on, it is what it is and what is done is done. I shall have no regrets in this life and by having no regrets I know I have learned. When my time has come, I can go knowing I lived to the fullest of my potentiel. I know I am the only one that can keep me down, and the only one that can build me up (lesson seven).
How freeing it is accepting my truths; it is time for me to turn the page, time for the next chapter. I am excited I think this one will be a good one....maybe a test on what I have learned, and if I truly have learned than only good can come of it.