November 21, 2012

Looking, Seeing...Truth and Being.

  Forgiveness, letting go, setting yourself free...sometimes as humans we hold on to negatives. Sometimes we can’t seem to let it go, though it holds us back from true happiness. I don't know why, what is the purpose of holding on to such hurt, allowing others so much power over our own lives. I once was the victim of my accord, I did not need to be the victim, I did not need to hold that role... to allow one, such power over my being. But I did and I thrived on it, it allowed me to not get close to anybody, in essences it protected me from getting hurt. From what, I ask? Self-defeating at it worse, in all of my self-defeating behaviors victim was the worse role for me to play.

Losing one’s mind has it benefits, actually I am grateful for loosing mine.... pure hell but coming out on the other side, and still alive is its own reward. I have learned so much, I was stripped of all pride; I was forced to look in the mirror and see me for what I was….Striped down and bear to bone... no hiding from the demons no diminishing my faults. I first had to see the negatives; I had to feel the down...needed to go through the self-abuse, self-loathing, to see through to the center to get to the essence which is me. Truth became what I seek, what I seek in me, what I seek from life. And truth is what I found but I could not find truth in a rose colored world, could not find truth in world full of lies... and the worse lies are the lies we tell our selves… so broken, torn I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and see me for all I was.

I found in those dark years a little girl who fell into the world of victim, I gave people power, too much power, probably power that they did not even know they could have over another. With that I gave away my own power and my own happiness. And that was sad, it was sad to see in myself...sad to see that I wasted so many years hating, so much hating of people who did not care ether way... so much power for nothing. I learned forgiveness, I learned to let go, I learned how not to self-defeating hate is. With that knowledge I got back my power.

I no longer give anyone power over me, even in a power exchange power is still in me, my choice is still mine... I see as we both get something. I like giving, I like giving into Sir...the feel of his control gives me power… gives me strength to be me, and be comfortable with who I am. It is odd, I suppose or maybe give so willing so much but get even more in return... Submissive cannot be weak because it takes strength to give. I could not do this in my early 20's, or even later... I needed to see me for all my weakness before I could see me for all my strengths... and be able to give so freely to one who can possess it so well.

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