December 7, 2012
Unsure
I am unsure right now where I am going with this lifestyle, the things we do. I put down a post earlier to say goodbye but took it down (I don't feel i am done learning yet). As I am almost certain Sir and I are through, (why uncertainty is because he has not been clear) I don't know if it just me or if others have a problem with men being clear, I feel I am reading between the lines and it is frustrating. I know where he is coming from, I get it, I knew from the start and have been understanding and open but he seems to be stuck and I don't know what I am to do about that.
I can let it just go, but I want closure... I want to know it was not all for nothing. I am unsure if that is unfair of me.. to want, to have the need to be talk to... to understand better. I often find myself in this situation with men. I try not to complicate, I try to let things just be, but I leave myself empty...I forget about me, and I am not sure if that is fair. I am a strong woman...but strength can only carry you so far before you fall.
He could say, anyone could say i suppose, I knew what I was getting myself into, and I did... he did not lie to me...but in my defense I deserve more then an empty e-mail. I deserve to be treated better then that, and me being me, I am defending him. Good God....I make it way to easy to be played with. A true masochistic in every way.
Well in short, I am here to learn... to accept my nature, weather there is or not a Dominant in my life. I will see where it goes, will hopefully get a better grip on the working and how to keep my eyes better opened. For what is, is and I can not change that, I can only learn.
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oh dear dear sweet girl,
ReplyDeleteI can feel your tragedy.
But perhaps what you might want is a plan.
-what do you want
-what will you be willing to give up for it
-what will you expect out of it
and then make the decisions that only YOU can make.
it is NOT unfair to want a final goodbye, or clear up the situation, leave nothing uncertain. we all need closure. but sometimes we have to accept that the closure is that there is NONE and so we have to close the chapter on our own.
I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteYes a plan would do me well for sure, and that is advice I will take.
On the up note, I did talk to him, he did clear things up for me. I was able to ask him for what I needed, and what he needs from me. I am hopping now that I will be able to put my fear/insecurity away and trust he will inform me if anything changes.
Thank you again, feedback is nice...and much appreciated