December 8, 2012
I have talked with Sir, and feel we have come to an understanding. A point of agreement. I can see better from where he is coming from, and hopefully he can see where I am coming from. As all we can do is meet in the middle and hopes we come out with a better understanding.
I entered this fully aware of where he is at in his life, there are a lot of changes, a lot hurt, a lot healing that he is going through. I am understanding of that, and decided it was something I could handle. All I asked was if anything was changing in him, we were not working or that "the things we do" causes him any undo stress to let me in. He has told me often that he would.
I would say that one of my biggest insecurities is to be played with, and then dumped. No words, no nothing...and that insecurity has a way of eating through my mind like a mad disease, and erases all of the trust I put in to the person. It is something I need to come to terms with, but find it harder to do, because of the way we play. In this, "the things we do"...I give more of myself, I let down so many bearers that even though many walls are still in place, I am left vulnerable...and need more then with any vanilla relationship, to have full trust in my partner.
I trust in him when we play, I do.... or else I would not do it. But the emotional aspect, the after aspect, well that is a struggle. He is good and checks up on me, he is gentile, and gives plenty of aftercare. It is when I process, when I am left with my own thoughts, that I doubt and question myself...myself respect and yes.. how can a man respect a women like me? That is when the fear/insecurity rears its ugly little head. When I try to find the answers to whys, to the hows... and whats, and when I need affirmation the most.
I am sure in time the fear will lay to rest, the more I realize that I am making more of something out of nothing, that his word is good, more trust will get established and I will be able to accept me for me, and him for him.