December 8, 2012

Less Unsure

I have talked with Sir, and feel we have come to an understanding. A point of  agreement. I can see better from where he is coming from, and hopefully he can see where I am coming from. As all we can do is meet in the middle and hopes we come out with a better understanding.

I entered this fully aware of where he is at in his life, there are a lot of changes, a lot hurt, a lot healing that he is going through. I am understanding of that, and decided it was something I could handle. All I asked was if anything was changing in him, we were not working or that "the things we do" causes him any undo stress to let me in. He has told me often that he would.


 I would say that one of my biggest insecurities is to be played with, and then dumped. No words, no nothing...and that insecurity has a way of eating through my mind like a mad disease, and erases all of the trust I put in to the person. It is something I need to come to terms with, but find it harder to do, because of the way we play. In this, "the things we do"...I give more of myself, I let down so many bearers that even though many walls are still in place, I am left vulnerable...and need more then with any vanilla relationship, to have full trust in my partner.

 I trust in him when we play, I do.... or else I would not do it. But the emotional aspect, the after aspect, well that is a struggle. He is good and checks up on me, he is gentile, and gives plenty of aftercare. It is when I process, when I am left with my own thoughts, that I doubt and question myself...myself respect and yes.. how can a man respect a women like me?  That is when the fear/insecurity rears its ugly little head. When I try to find the answers to whys, to the hows... and whats, and when I need affirmation the most.

I am sure in time the fear will lay to rest, the more I realize that I am making more of something out of nothing, that his word is good, more trust will get established and I will be able to accept me for me, and him for him.


  1. have you told him this is an area where you are lacking?

    one of the things in our relationship that we both think is of great import is working on parts of me (and him) that is lacking. He decides/points out (often with my agreement, sometimes in shame I don't admit it at first but acquiesce later on)the parts that i need to be better at.

    learning to stand up for myself, being confident of my worth, learning to get rid of insecurities.

    it makes it easier knowing these are little wrinkles that need ironing out, rather than the way I AM. he helps in reassurances, in reminding me, in showing me when something didn't go catastrophically wrong that "there is nothing to worry about"...

    perhaps talking with your Sir about these issues might be a way for you both to work on them?

    (I'm not sure if you have that sort of relationship where it's more than just physical... but if it is, this might be something you could share with him. )

    1. I have a little, not in as much detail as I have here...I seem to figure out more about myself when in a state of confusion.

      I agree, and is definitely something that needs to be discussed but as of now he is in a state of flux and confusion. At this point, my best bet is to give him space to adjust and figure out what will work best for him. In the meantime I will re-investigate my needs and wants.

      Your advice is wonderful, and gives me lots of insight.

      I thank you , and is much appreciated

  2. " how can a man respect a woman like me?"

    I don't think this kind of question is doing you any good, Anna May. Better not to worry about respect, just accept his love and care. Count your blessings.

    1. So very true Malcolm, I do need to stop asking my self such a question, and I do need to accept the fact that when the right man comes along that he will take me as I am.