I took the most refreshing walk in the rain with wonderfully wild puppy, walking in nature has a way of balancing me. The cool drizzle kissing my face, felt so refreshing. I happen upon a part in the path were the creek running next to it overflowed, I removed my socks and shoes as there was no other way to bypass it without getting wet. I must say the sharp cold water felt nice on my feet, the water flow tickled, I felt alive. Felt free.
As I was walking clarity of thought embraced me... I was able to see what I was missing, not where I went wrong or the feeling I am not made for this life style. More or less, how I see, how I feel and accepting each passing emotions for what it is, to feel the shame and accept it and overcome it, to feel regret, and realize I would of done nothing different. Take in the frustration, knowing that everyone feels frustrated at times. To feel as if I failed, at least I tried... and found I like it, but I am new, and being new leads to learning and to learn I need to fall.
I have also been trying to see things through his eyes, his hurts, his worries, and realized that maybe he did not know what to expect, on top of a tremulous time in his life. All I can hope for him is he is able to find some peace, and not feel so overwhelmed with the dramatic changes. As supportive as I can be, I am also a distraction for him, to truly heal he needs to accept his feeling as well. Feeling are real, and can be destructive if not dealt with in a healthy way, but feeling should also be accept and felt, so the healing can begin.
I also need to accept the fact that Sir is fairly new at this too, and to top it off we are new to each other. It is a recipe for ups and down, and just wanting to give up. I still feel it is worth it, but I am one of two.
To change the subject.
I will now go with why I started this blog to begin with, with Sir Encouragement of course. I sure in hell would have not done it on my own lol. Coming to terms with being, relating to my submissive.
One of the hardest parts for me at this time is me knowing that I cannot do a vanilla relationship again. Not like I was ever satisfied with it, constantly chasing something that was not available to me. Now I am more aware of what I want, and what works for me. Which is good, and bad...but I am not down that rode yet so need to go there.
I also am struggling with trust and issues of abandonment... silly but true. Coming to terms with it is harder than I thought it would be, and I am in hopes I will one day.
Now the sex, spankings, and some of the more humiliating aspects, also my lust for pain I guess just coming to terms with my kink. Oh my! That is a hard one, love, love all of those...it is hard to describe in words what it does to me. But I will try. It focuses me, and well turns me on, makes me wet and untimely weak... in a very good way.
Why is it hard? Because it is shameful... or is viewed as shameful, the feelings of sham, for asking for it makes me feel less of a women, and in many men eyes it does. So that leaves me to finding the right unique man, and I am so very lucky for my good Sir...but he is an uncertainty as all in life is, but this uncertainty is even more shaky and that leaves me more vulnerable, and it is scary. It is something I walked into with open eyes and am grateful for him regardless of how things turn out...but the prospect of searching for a new Dom is not sounding like much fun. Yet again I am not on that rode yet. Should not worry, silly me.
OK I think I am done...maybe next post I will try for a dirty story...needs to get my mojo back lol. Or I can start one and never finish, I am good for that.