So I was lying down last night on the couch and a flood of thoughts crashed into my head. Knowing me if I did not write them down I would forget. That is what I did, trying to sort through years of self-observation of the where’s and whys and what’s or how could I. When thinking I tend to go to one topic from another...I can start off with rejection and end up on begging. Often my thoughts are so scattered I am unable to make little sense of where I was to go with it. I went old school, grab a pencil and scrap paper and tried to write as coherent as I could, so I could sort it all out and hopefully get more out of all the racing thoughts in my head. Here it goes, and I hope I make sense.
I have a tendency of giving pieces of me, very little pieces. That makes me not form meaningful bonds with others be it friendships, be it lovers, and even family. I think I am a good person and I do care for most people in my life, I want to give more, I want to be more but then I get scared. Often I overcompensate for my lack of sharing my inner self. I listen well, I don't judge, I give my strengths, hugs and encouragement but I don't share my feelings, I don't share my fears, I don't ask for help. Now I never thought of those qualities as being selfish, I thought them giving. I thought that made me a really good friend because I wanted very little in return, but now I know different, I know that I was very selfish indeed.
One of my major realizations was with a very old and dear friend of mine; we go back some 20 odd years. We lived together and at times seemed inseparable. I was always there for her through all her turmoil and there was plenty. I did not mind at all, I care; I love her as a sister, and wanted her to be happy with her life.
Along came my darkest hour, and she was not there. This time I tried, I called out for a friend. Later after I found my strength once again, we started to talk. She apologized for not being there for me, and said that she did not know how to handle me being weak... for I was always the strong one. That hurt... but that is what I gave. I am now old enough to know to take ownership of my part in things. I now am able to see my faults for what they are. Now I need to learn to change.
There comes the racing thoughts’ running through my head often at night, often followed by different racing thoughts, so I never truly get to dissect a thought to make a positive change. Now here is my chance and my conclusion, and hopefully a new beginning.
In giving oneself, it is not selfish... in giving oneself, you allow depth, and you allow growth. I know that in giving I can't do it all at once, I need to pace... I need let go a little at a time. Patience Sir says...and patience is what I need, I need to give and to take it. Taking is not easy for me, depending on others is not easy for me, but to grow I need to take, I need to depend... I need to trust, and most of all I need to let go of my preconceived notions of how I think things should be, of how I think I should be. If by chance allowing someone to know, and see more of me should scare them away, then so be it. We were not meant to be and that is OK. I know this need’s to become a mantra for me, for old ways can come back with ease. I really don't want to push good people away anymore; it is quite lonely when you only have you and your selfish pride.
Now that I have sorted that out, I will apply it to my life. I owe that to my children to my family, to my friends, to Sir, and any new friends I might make along this journey called life but most of all I owe it to myself and that is not being selfish at all.