Masochism and Control

 I have been thinking since after my first cane beating, how my masochism and stubbornness can be a dangerous combination.

I tend to hold off on calling yellow, I hold off even more calling red. I have to prove I can take more and then even more.

I have to prove it to myself; I have to prove to him. And it hurts, and I cry but I try to keep my tears hidden, I bite my lip, I scream out inside so he cannot hear me. But that is what he is working towards, my tears, my screams of agony, which is what he feeds from as a sadist.

 Now I know he does not want it to go to the point of no return, nor do I. But it is so hard to hold back, so hard for me to not have a smirk on my face, to smile at him as he is hurting me, challenging him in every way possible, fighting for control, not wanting to give it away, and trying to take his away.

Why, as a submissive do I fight control when in a darker scene? Are my masochistic needs stronger than my submission to him?

I push, and push, I love to push it gives me great satisfaction to see the darkness is his eyes. Does that make me as sadistic as he?

I fear at times I will push him over the edge, though he says he has control at all times. But what if one day I do push him to the point where he loses control. Mind you he is a big guy and I know he can do serious harm to me with little effort. But yet, I push.

Is it fear in which I seek? Maybe that is it, it is in the fear.