October 16, 2013

Masochism and Control

 I have been thinking since after my first cane beating, how my masochism and stubbornness can be a dangerous combination.

I tend to hold off on calling yellow, I hold off even more calling red. I have to prove I can take more and then even more.

I have to prove it to myself; I have to prove to him. And it hurts, and I cry but I try to keep my tears hidden, I bite my lip, I scream out inside so he cannot hear me. But that is what he is working towards, my tears, my screams of agony, which is what he feeds from as a sadist.

 Now I know he does not want it to go to the point of no return, nor do I. But it is so hard to hold back, so hard for me to not have a smirk on my face, to smile at him as he is hurting me, challenging him in every way possible, fighting for control, not wanting to give it away, and trying to take his away.

Why, as a submissive do I fight control when in a darker scene? Are my masochistic needs stronger than my submission to him?

I push, and push, I love to push it gives me great satisfaction to see the darkness is his eyes. Does that make me as sadistic as he?

I fear at times I will push him over the edge, though he says he has control at all times. But what if one day I do push him to the point where he loses control. Mind you he is a big guy and I know he can do serious harm to me with little effort. But yet, I push.

Is it fear in which I seek? Maybe that is it, it is in the fear.


  1. I think...it takes vulnerability to be able to call "red" and to be able to stop when we really can't take it any more. Vulnerability can be a scary thing.

    1. True, and right now I am not doing so good with the vulnerability thing, I would rather fight for any perceived dignity I may think I have, than just let go.

      Thank you Bleuame for the insight.

  2. I know this is going to sound odd perhaps but this is one of the reasons we dont use safewords, because then there is no sense of me 'pushing' him because its simply out of my hands...he decides when its too much, or indeed if he chooses to stop before i want to.

    I love the aspect of fear, but really its an irrational fear because you know, or should know that they will not damage intentionally, hurt yes and there is a difference.


    1. Hmm...that is interesting, and has me thinking, but in a round about sort of way. I think I may need to look deeper in J and my dynamic.

      Thank you Tori for your perspective. Yours and Bleuame comments really have me seeing this in a different and new light.