Kink has taken an odd turn for me since being with J; some of my stronger fantasies have shifted to wanting to have, to not wanting at all. My wanting to add other into the room has diminished, the thought does not thrill me, does not turn me on like it has in the past.
I have been trying to search out the reason to why. Maybe it is the consistency in which he sees me. Although I have had other consistent relationships and the fantasy still were very strong, almost insatiable. Yet with him they are not, they kind of just faded till they dropped out of my mind. He, a few weeks back brought up bringing someone in to the bedroom to fulfill one of my fantasies and I just blankly stared at him, thinking "how dare he make such a suggestion" knowing clearly that it was a fantasy of mine not his.
So why do I have such a change of heart? What is different in me? What is different in this relationship verse others? And most of all, what the hell has he done with me? Is it growth; am I a growing in the sense of what I want from another? Has he shown me what it is that I truly desire, but am too afraid to admit that I am capable of giving more of myself then the superficial? Oh so my questions to ask myself and so many answers to search for.
Don't get me wrong there are plenty of things I still want to do, try and discover within myself but they are just not the same as they were before.
Maybe I am afraid of the consequences of TTWD can bring, for I have paid my dues with that by jumping into too much too quick with the wrong person. But still that should not affect my fantasies seeing as I still had them even after failed first time with this TTWD. So that is not it.
Maybe I am growing board, and desensitized to the kink, that I am searching for something in my life that is more meaningful, not saying that kink in not meaningful, I still love certain aspects of it, I still want to discover more, just not like the way I did a couple months back.
I am no less submissive, maybe having a harder time letting go of myself....but that is a whole other blog post so I will leave that one be for now.
I guess all in all, the simplest answer for me would be things come and go and even come back again. I am happy to see some of my darker fantasy drift out of my mind, I am happy I am getting a better understanding of my needs, wants, and what the difference between the two are.
When will I be big enough? lol