October 1, 2013

Self Doubt

I started this blog for someone who did not care, I shared so much of me with someone who had no intentions in truly getting to know me. I continued this blog to heal, a testament to my truth; which now I question. I hold on to this blog hoping that I will find my truth, I will see though my lies... I will learn and continue the journey, and hope that I will grow.

 I am struggling with warding off self doubt.

I have such a wonderful man in my life, and that is what I wanted. I have someone who does not demand too much of my time, and that is what I need. So why do I question?

I need to find some peace of mind, some solace in side. I need to learn to take things in stride but it seems to be a constant struggle. Why do I struggle with such a simple thing? I just need to let things be, not to worry constantly about the other shoe falling when both are on securely.

I don't understand how to be secure in a relationship, I don't understand how to let the moment hold me captive, after he is gone. As soon as he walks out the door I question the meaning of it all, I am full of self doubt. I have not had anyone since my girls father show me such care and affection. It is odd to me, I am not use to this. I am constantly question if it is real, when is he going to run? Why has he not yet? Why does he stay, when I have tried? This scares me, it scares me to care this much, and even scarer is he seems to as well.

I question my judgment, I think it sad that I can't even trust myself. But to many  times I have fooled myself into seeing something that was not real, I lied to myself trying to convince myself that my reality laid within a false reality which was never mine. How can I trust me, when I don't even know what is real?

I stand by just watching myself move in out of days. I do stop to take notice of all that is wonderful in my life; which is so much...but beside that I just ponder and question myself, so much self doubt and I don't know how to move forward to let the self doubt go.



  1. I wish i could have something of value to offer, but you need to value yourself, look at the positives in your life...and mostly learn to let go, to give things a chance...better to have tried than not at all.

    chin up



    1. So true tori, I think "letting go" ought to be my mantra...I do hold on to, too much on so many different levels.

  2. Sounds like you have been hurt in the past and yes that sucks. Been there, done that, and all that. Once you experience that particular kind of pain you absolutely never want to have to go through it again. But there is a problem. No relationship comes with a guarantee. Few of them every last a lifetime so the smart money says eventually most of them will end at some point short of that. What helped me when I went through that was finally accepting that either I could take the chance and try to have a relationship, accepting that it probably would end at some point and I'd feel hurt over it. Or I could just avoid all the risk and be alone and make the best of it. I chose the former rather than the latter and haven't regretted it. Yep, had a couple of other ultimately unsuccessful relationships after making the decision but I also had lots of enjoyable experiences while they lasted that I would have missed out on. You simply can't second guess or doubt yourself just because a relationship ends thinking you should have known better than to get involved with the person in the first place. None of us can predict the future. You just have to trust your gut and go with what feels right at the time.

    1. You are absolutely right L, and you have me thinking.

      I do need to remind myself and ask myself is it worth it? and I know the answer is yes but the voices still echo of past mistakes, of great loss and heartaches, and I need to let it go, I can't change what was, I can only let what is in. Yet this seems to be the hardest part of self awareness for me.

      Thank you for getting me thinking in a more positive attitude, it is always helpful seeing things in a different light.