I started this blog for someone who did not care, I shared so much of me with someone who had no intentions in truly getting to know me. I continued this blog to heal, a testament to my truth; which now I question. I hold on to this blog hoping that I will find my truth, I will see though my lies... I will learn and continue the journey, and hope that I will grow.
I am struggling with warding off self doubt.
I have such a wonderful man in my life, and that is what I wanted. I have someone who does not demand too much of my time, and that is what I need. So why do I question?
I need to find some peace of mind, some solace in side. I need to learn to take things in stride but it seems to be a constant struggle. Why do I struggle with such a simple thing? I just need to let things be, not to worry constantly about the other shoe falling when both are on securely.
I don't understand how to be secure in a relationship, I don't understand how to let the moment hold me captive, after he is gone. As soon as he walks out the door I question the meaning of it all, I am full of self doubt. I have not had anyone since my girls father show me such care and affection. It is odd to me, I am not use to this. I am constantly question if it is real, when is he going to run? Why has he not yet? Why does he stay, when I have tried? This scares me, it scares me to care this much, and even scarer is he seems to as well.
I question my judgment, I think it sad that I can't even trust myself. But to many times I have fooled myself into seeing something that was not real, I lied to myself trying to convince myself that my reality laid within a false reality which was never mine. How can I trust me, when I don't even know what is real?
I stand by just watching myself move in out of days. I do stop to take notice of all that is wonderful in my life; which is so much...but beside that I just ponder and question myself, so much self doubt and I don't know how to move forward to let the self doubt go.