My head is here, there and everywhere, I guess that is really nothing new though.
There is still a lot of confusion with J, he is in a very indecisive state of mind, which leaves me to worry as where we stand. I am up and down in confusion, hurt, and feeling as if I am on the outside looking in. Though I know that is not his intentions. I do know that he cares, and I also realize that he is very torn. I wish that I could help him but any help I could give would just hinder his thought process. I know that he needs to be sure of what it is he wants in his life. If it be his ex, or I.
I am taking this time to really sort out my feelings, my wants, and needs. I came to the conclusion if this relationship does not play out in my favor, that I am going to look for a more meaningful relationship, one that builds over time, and is not based on sex. I now know I need that kind of stability in my life. I do realize that nothing is a guarantee but if I go in it with those expectations the probability of what I want and need will become true.
And I must say I am so prepared for a break up, I think I have played every possible scenario in my head. I just need to write out the script.
I have also thought about my submissive and where she will fit in my life. I may need to shove her down for a while, till I establish something more meaningful. I can't go on living in a porn, and that is what it sometimes feels like, just without the pay check. The pay check would be nice.
This is where I am at, very boring, but necessary.