First Rant, Sexuality

I struggle, struggle with this aspect of me. I love sex; I love sex even if I don't reach to the big O. It feels good, really good. I have a very high sex drive for a woman.....well at least that is what I have been told.

Now my whole life, if by media, family, friends, and men; I have been led to believe that women are not supposed to enjoy sex as much as I do, it is wrong. I been led to believe that women only use sex to keep a man, get a man or because she is insecure and needs validation. For me it is simply that I like/love sex...so simple.

So why so guilty?

Yes it pisses me off that I feel guilty for loving sex! Why is there this double standard? Why it that men can sleep with any number of women, can have a high sex drive and no one thinks twice about it? It is even look up upon, a man is more of a man the more conquest he had. Now if a woman did that she is a slut....makes me so mad....so utterly mad. Mad! Mad! Mad!

So here I am feeling bad and yes insecure about my love of sex. I hate the fact that I think with every relationship I have been in that the man is just using me. At one point I just said "fuck it, I will get him before he gets me" not the healthiest way to go about it. But if you are going to be told you are a slut, why not just go with it? Yet I was left empty by my own refusal to let anyone get close to me...just because I thought my enjoying sex so much is wrong and makes me a bad person.

I cry about my sexuality. I at times wish I had no drive at all. I wish I hated sex, I wish I could be a so called "proper woman" but I am not. I hate that I always feel used, even if I am not being used....and it is all because I am led to believe liking/loving sex is wrong. I am led to believe that any good man would not like a woman like me.

How does one accept their sexuality? How does one realize that all men do not look down upon women who enjoy sex? That he may even love that aspect of her, and even cherish her for who she is all of her.