I need a break from life, a break from my own confusion. I need to step back from this, to step back from submission.
I fucked up, I went and ended things with J...and then wanted to take it back. I am foolish; I am acting like a teenage girl. I have hurt someone I care deeply about; I played a game that I did not intend to play. I want to make things good, but how can I? I poured my heart out to him, but it was after hurting him. I want him to forgive me but how can I expect forgiveness when I hurt him so?
He is processing all that I have said to mend what I have done. I am self-loathing. I don't understand why I had to make things difficult. Why I have to push away people I care about. I am beginning to think I am an emotional masochist...but I really do not like it, yet I continue to cause myself heartbreak.
I do hope there is forgiveness in his heart, but I will have to wait, and the waiting is going to drive me mad.