September 17, 2013

Questions I Need To Ask Myself

I am thinking that I need to start keeping up with writing here, there is so much going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it out. Writing does help me a great deal in the sorting. I just need to push myself to keep up with doing it.

I am struggling with being submissive and what it means to me. I as of late have been thinking what am I doing with this? Where am going and what will become of me? I often lose myself in the things I do, I grow tired of the old and search for the new...a different kind of thrill, a different kind of escape. 

Yet I am me in this spot, I have grown more, and more as I accept me for me. But yet I fear that this me, the true me will end up hurting more and regressing back into a shell. 

I am confused in to why I feel this way?

I think I am afraid, I am afraid of giving that part of me again and feeling abandoned once again. Used. That was too much, too soon, with someone who did not deserve that part of me. But now I am wary, and don't know what to do about it, but I do know I don't want a repeat of my first experience. I know I can't do that again.

I am scared. 

It all gets real so fast, the realization of what it all is and what it all means. Any person can promise in a million and one ways how they won't betray your trust, how they will be true and honor you and your limits, your expectations. But when it comes down to it each and every promise means nothing, no matter how many ways it is said; all it becomes is empty words in an empty box, leaving one empty.  

Now I am left wondering, once again; what am I doing here, where am I going with this what will become of me if I stay?



  1. Just happened across your blog and admit I was feeling a lot of sympathy for you after reading this latest post. Unfortunately your story is one I have heard too many times having been in the lifestyle for many years. There are many reasons why "Doms" betray trust and break the hearts of a gentle submissive. Some are posers and not Doms at all. Submissive girls just seem an easy mark for a little selfish fun. Sometimes, especially with legit Doms who are relatively new, they quickly run out of ideas on what to do with a submissive girl when they get her and their own lack of confidence in their skills cause them to feel increasingly uncomfortable so they break things off. And like any other relationship, sometimes a Dom finds a girl just doesn't fit him the way it seemed she did when they first became involved.

    I plan to read more of your older posts but haven't yet so I don't know if you revealed what happened in your relationship. But do know I feel badly about the pain and heartache you have obviously had to deal with. Talk is cheap I know but I encourage you not to give up. Submission is truly a need not a passing fancy so if you try to ignore the need it won't go away. It's difficult and painful to go through what you have but there are legitimate honorable Doms out there and I'm sure there is a right fit for you.

    Believe it or not Doms go through very similar things as you described from the opposite perspective. I attempted to form a lasting relationship with several "submissive" girls before I finally found "the one" just over a year ago. I can imagine how you might feel because I am certain I have felt some similar things. But now, with the sweetly submissive girl I have in my life I can say the search and the all the painful experiences were worth it.

    Just don't forget the lessons learned when you have met the wrong Dom and use them to guide you as you continue looking for the right one. Good luck and be well.

    1. Thank you L. I appreciate your comment, and your perspective it is nice to hear coming from the other side.

      I have been fortunate enough to have met a new Dom,, who is a great Dom and an even greater man. But I am struggling with trusting myself, and him due to past relationship with last Dom. My last Dom was not per say a horrible man; he was as new as me to this lifestyle and was going through a big life change. He was not ready to be a Dom, and unfortunately for me I went in with my blinders on, and although the warning signs were there, I choose to ignore them and left myself vulnerable to a man who was not ready and/or undeserving of it. Now I am gun shy, and scared of being taken once again, left to question is it all truly worth it when all is said and done. That be the short of it...

      Warning, to go through my writing is like going through the writing of a madman lol

      Again thank you, it means alot to hear others perspective and thoughts.