September 25, 2013
A Ramble, A Jumble of Thoughts.
Just a ramble, just sorting out my round about thoughts.
I think I need to take a step back from this relationship I am in. Emotionally it is becoming straining, I feel I am being taken for a ride, and I can't do it.
He had lied to me, a small lie but a lie never the less. He told me that the reason he lied was because he did not trust me, due to past experience. How can I trust when he does not trust me? It hurts, (I have been so transparent with him.) it makes me think and my thoughts are not positive. It makes me wonder and where my mind wanders is not good.
He said it would take time for him to be more open with me, but how do I know that it is not a ploy to buy time to form more lies, till all the lies run dry and I am left with a broken heart feeling a fool?
I told him I would give him time, I would let the trust build slowly. But I am finding it hard, I am not trusting him, his word is becoming harder to take at face value, and it is taking a toll on me.
I am such a giving person, to giving. I am such a forgiving person, to forgiving...and I like that for the most but when I feel deceived, when I feel hurt...I question myself. I think to myself why? I think to myself what does it get me, where does it get me?
I think and think (I think, I think too much as well) and go over the pros and cons.. He is a great man, he's sadistic side matches my masochistic side. He is very caring when he is with me, and when we are together I am on cloud nine, all high on the love drug, which clouds my judgment (as drugs do) and I love that feeling but when we are apart the questions start to arise. I am not sure if it is just insecurity, or that the way I feel is valid. I am having a hard time sorting that all out in my mind.
Do I take the risk? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? If it turns out that he is lying, can I handle being a fool? But if I walk away, will I always look back and wonder? Will I regret? I ask myself if he is worth it, and myself thinks "yes, take the risk...you know once a fool always a fool". Myself kinda does make a good point. What do I have to lose, that I have not lost before.
Conclusion- I think with me taking the risk with set boundaries for myself will be good. But I also think I need to learn to separate my emotions, until I can trust him, until he can trust me, and be more open with me. As always easier said than done, especially with the "love drug". That stuff is addicting....