I wrote my sexy date post, now I need to write my oh fuck what the hell am I doing, and why am I so fucking emotionell.
The past couple of weeks have been an emotionell roller coaster for me, I have been having crying out burst that have been stripping me of energy.
I don't know what I am doing, I am frighten there is to much hurt inside me, I need to let down my guard but find every time I do I end up hurt and confused. I want to be me but I find every time I am, I am misunderstood...put aside so easily because of me not wanting to hurt anyone, me wanting to make everyone happy even at the sacrifice of my own well being and I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to ask for help. I only know how to act as if nothing can hurt me, to put the nothing can touch me face on and it is taking its toll on me. I am falling, and fading, and don't know how to go about making me alright. I know I am the only who can take care of me, but it is getting harder to maintain... unless I shut down.
I don't want to take steps backwards, I want. I need to be soft... but life does not allow me that luxury and never has.
I always have had to be the strong one, I always have had to hold it together, be the rock. And now I need a soft place to fall and there is no one around... so be it my life.
I am strong but even the strong need help, need somewhere soft... to feel safe, even the strong brake and need help to mend. But all I have is me, and I only know how to shut down, block everyone out...become cold and distant. Then I will become my mother. Bitter and resentful because she always had to be strong, never allowed to show weakness, neediness never allowed to show she was soft and kind underneath the wall. I know she is, I have always long to see that side of her in full, not just a peek here and there. But I also understand why she has to be that way. And why I will be that way as well, why fight my destiny...it was set in stone long ago and now I must accept it for what it is.
So cold, hard, and distant I will have to build back up, or I will surly lose it. One can only be caring and soft for so long before the realization come to one that no one wants that of you. One can only give so much, before they deplete one of all one's self worth.
As much as I loved being submissive, to give. I realize that all I will ever be is that... nothing more, everyone I meet will take what they want and leave me empty and depleted of my being.... because that is what I do, I give.
I will continue to date and enjoy myself, get out, have fun, I will continue to play the s/m aspect of TTWD but I will not be anyone submissive, I will play bottom but nothing more. And my wall will build once again, it will get stronger and I will be impenetrable.