March 12, 2013


Respect.. When beginning this TTWD journey with Sir, I went in blind, I dived into the water with out testing  whether it was hot or cold. I did put thought into it, I did think about the what ifs but I did not consider how important respect is to this TTWD. I did not establish a means of respect. I respected him...he was Sir, how could I not but I did not demanded his respect for me as I should of... Respect should of been one of the main building blocks before I even decided to play, even decided to trust. I did not demande it for me and the blame is mine, mine alone. One must establish ones respect early on, put out what they need/want. Show ones pride, put down ones foot and establish ones worth. I did not do it to the full capacity in which was true to me.

Feeling have been awoken once again and "Lesson" now are learned and relearned, so I do not repeat this class again. Every word that will every be spoken to me will be taken with a grain of salt, I will establish "Respect" first before anything else, and yes the wall will be firmly in place, and will be unbreakable as it always should be and should of been. 

I ended up lost in the game and forgot who I was... an easy fool. More damage ended up being done than not. My emotionell being was put aside and when I brought it out...and shit got real...ship was abounded. I can not and will not allow that to happen to me again.

Where is all of this coming from? My emotion have been on soft ground since starting this dating thing again. I tried to push them aside but they would not leave me be so I decided to dig deeper, read some poetry I have written in the past months, look over old post, and a realization came about. I realized I was pushed further then I should of been, I realize I made it all to easy for him to do, I realize, and this is the hardest of the realizations is he did not respect me enough to take any responsibility for my emotionell well being and worse of all I made excuses for it...I did not respect me enough to demanded for proper closure.

I am not angry, I am not resentful (really I am not) I am happy, I am grateful he showed me how important walls are, how important it is to be distant. Self preservation is a must because in the end it is one who has to sweep up the piece and put them back together again. This is a lesson I will not repeat again, I promise myself that. I will RESPECT me enough for if I don't than who will.

This post is an important step for me, it is necessary for me to move to the next crazy thing that will come about. It is my truth, it is not sugar coated, and I have no apologizes, for once in my life I have no apologizes.

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