May 22, 2013
Trusting, or Not to Trust?
I came across this saying on facebook, and it got me thinking, you all know where thinking tends to lead me...to a rant, a rambling.
I have been talking and occasionally seeing a man for over a month, he is not into the kinky, although willing to try with me. He is aware of what I like, I have shared in more detail of what I like with him, then I have ever shared with anyone. He has a way of getting stuff out of me...he is direct. he says he cares and has feeling for me. He listen to my escapades, enjoys hearing about me fooling around with other men, allows me to embrace my sexaulaty. He is a good, and caring lover when we get together. Holds me tight, makes me feel safe, and kisses me on the forehead. He is my safe call, when I go on a play date. He tells me I am beautiful, he accepts my faults, my imperfections.
And what am I doing? What am I thinking?
He has a motive, all men have a motive...I don't know what it is yet. But I know one is there...just lurking in the corner waiting for me to catch it. And I will...
I am cynical, I know it...I take everyone with a grain of salt. I am wary, I always have been, even as a child. My mother has always taught her girls to be aware of danger at every corner, to the point of maybe paranoia. She meant well, preventing of us of getting used, or hurt. but what she created, was three girls and one boy who wary of all.
Should I trust, should I let him in or should I push...become cold, impenetrable?
Should I take a risk, do something different? Step out of my safe zone, be vulnerable? I did that and it did not work out so well for me, maybe the wrong circumstances, maybe being vulnerable this time will turn out better than the last.
I guess I will never know, unless I just let myself go.
What is the worse that could happen? Getting hurt? But I could put the walls back up again, just for a little....and maybe take them down again, till I get it right.
One can not grow, unless one takes the risk; so I tell myself...but I never seem to take my own advice. Maybe today or tomorrow or the next day, so on and so forth, forever to repeat itself.
Then again maybe I will just break the cycle.