A little too self absorbed... a slight big head, really liking my control. I feel empowered, a new, refreshed... free, me, a bird not meant to be caged, but I know this is temporary, soon my freedom will scare me. I will not know where to go, I wil realize I don't have a home, that I am left on my own and will be sad, wishing I had more, wishing to feel more secure. And as a bird I will long for a nest, maybe long to be caged so I don't have to wander aimless and free.
Some say submission is freedom, that you are free to be you. You don't have to worry as much, you know you have security, you belong, you have a sense of purpose beyond basic needs. You don't need to wander aimlessly but how can you see beyond the stars, beyond reality, beyond what is yours? You are his/hers.
I suppose one can ask what is freedom, is a bird truly free? Are any of us?
I try to seek freedom, I try to be true to self, though at times I fool myself into believing there is something more if only I search it out, but if I keep on searching then I am a slave to my search. A bird can only fly so high, so long before it needs rest, before it needs to eat. The search decess and again tomorrow it goes on and on... a slave to nothing in petecule. Is that freedom?
Am I more free in a cage, with the safety and security to be me? Or is my freedom found flying aimlessly about life, searching out the next big adventure, the next risk to be taken, to fall and fly...to put up my defenses, and become a predator to prey? Prey to the predator? Though neither is me.
Why am I so afraid to let someone love me? Why am I so afraid to love one back?
I say it is because "Love is to be caged, and how can a caged bird be free?"
Maybe I need to just stop thinking for a bit, and just let what will be, be...but I guess that would not be me.
Now I am rethinking again, as I proofread said above.
I am thinking about humiliation/degradation and why I like it so much. A-ha, erika moment! It frees me...odd as it may seem, I am free...if through escape out of ones mind, if through humbling...it is a sense of control over my own being, I know I am more than just that. I am strength, endurance; I know me, my truth's. I can be forced to look into the mirror, ask what I see, I fumble on my words but I know I see me, free. Odd but I am a odd one indeed.