Was a long weekend, so happy kiddos are back in school... I love the sleeping in, but not the noise. I like my me time.
I spent some time thinking about what being submissive means to me, now that was able to experience it first hand...get a taste of it in a more meaningful context, not just in my mind or a quick fling. I have been able to reflect and put in a deeper perspective.
I am struggling though with it, asking myself what is it that I wanted. What is it that I gave, what I was willing to give. It is kinda scary, in the wrong hands it could be detrimental to my emotional well being. I am strong, but how strong am I? How much could I take before I brake, could I ever truly be open enough to allow another to take me there?
I also realize that love plays a big part of it for me, I don't know if I could give so much to someone who puts little concern into me. Does that make me less submissive, because I do want more? Can you do it without love?
I thought at first I could put my emotions aside, that I was invincible, stronger...but started to realize that I could not. That at the end of the day I am a big softy, I want more, want to be held, want to be wanted and most of all want to need someone. That for me is a hard pill to swallow. I pride myself on not needing anyone but me... I pride myself on being independent.
It sucks to admit that I need more than me, to me it feels as if I am weak. It sucks to want, and not be able to give myself what I want. It sucks, just SUCKS!!!... all around not a pleasant feeling. Yet I am learning to be honest with myself and part of that is admitting my weakness; although I don't consider it a weakness... though it does interfere with my well being so in essences it is a weakness. SUCKS!!! I tell ya just sucks!!
I need to be honest with me; I need to learn to trust me, and to trust me I need to be honest. Honest about my feelings, honest about what I can, cannot handle....and admitting that I need, is a good start.
I think I might of went of topic.
Ohh.. Hell, I always go off topic.
No one is an island unto themselves, we all need someone. It's not weak to need other people in our lives. Friends, family lovers are all important and we all need to have these people to lean on. Independence is great, but it doesn't mean that we have to close ourselves off from others and leaning on someone else doesn't mean we have to become totally dependent them.
ReplyDeleteSo very true Mrs. D, but my momma drilled into her girls heads, that need is weakness ....and moms advice echos through my head like a song you'r just sick of hearing. lol
DeleteI agree with Mrs. D. No shame in wanting to be held or needing someone.
ReplyDeleteYes true Kitty, Mrs. D has it right...now I need to listen to her, and get my mother out of my head. lol
DeleteI think love plays a part, who doesnt want to be loved and to love in return? but do i think its essential for a D/s relationship? nope not initially, i think love grows, it blooms.
ReplyDeleteI met my Master online and we quickly moved to real time, i didnt love him initially and i know he didnt love me it started as D/s and that was the foundation of our relationship, i respected him before i loved him and as the relationship progressed naturally love grew.
I dont think he loves me in the same way i do him but i know he does love me, its just expressed in a different way, love doesnt get in the way of our dynamic, its there but i wouldnt say its the most important part of our relationship.
x
I can not argue with your logic Tori, for you are spot on.
DeleteLogic tells me one thing, which is truth...but I am flighty, floaty and at times throw logic to the floor and call it a liar.
I appreciate your feed back, it validates some of my inner struggles. I go up and down with what a D/s relationship looks like, and it is definitely not a one size fits all.
I understand not wanting or the need but not knowing how to not want and need.
ReplyDeleteIt feels weak and I hate it to.
Starshine
Yes Starshine that is it, and it is so hard to let it go, it is also a pride thing... not needing or want unless I give it to myself, makes me feel proud... even if it defeats its purpose.
DeleteBut being honest with ones self is what makes us strong in our weakness and gives meaning to submission
ReplyDeleteI agree trazuredpet, honesty is fundamental to submission as well as everyday living. Although in the mean time it sucks! Admitting truths about myself is not easy, but I guess nothing worth while is.
DeleteThank you for your feedback, it is very much appreciated.