Was a long weekend, so happy kiddos are back in school... I love the sleeping in, but not the noise. I like my me time.
I spent some time thinking about what being submissive means to me, now that was able to experience it first hand...get a taste of it in a more meaningful context, not just in my mind or a quick fling. I have been able to reflect and put in a deeper perspective.
I am struggling though with it, asking myself what is it that I wanted. What is it that I gave, what I was willing to give. It is kinda scary, in the wrong hands it could be detrimental to my emotional well being. I am strong, but how strong am I? How much could I take before I brake, could I ever truly be open enough to allow another to take me there?
I also realize that love plays a big part of it for me, I don't know if I could give so much to someone who puts little concern into me. Does that make me less submissive, because I do want more? Can you do it without love?
I thought at first I could put my emotions aside, that I was invincible, stronger...but started to realize that I could not. That at the end of the day I am a big softy, I want more, want to be held, want to be wanted and most of all want to need someone. That for me is a hard pill to swallow. I pride myself on not needing anyone but me... I pride myself on being independent.
It sucks to admit that I need more than me, to me it feels as if I am weak. It sucks to want, and not be able to give myself what I want. It sucks, just SUCKS!!!... all around not a pleasant feeling. Yet I am learning to be honest with myself and part of that is admitting my weakness; although I don't consider it a weakness... though it does interfere with my well being so in essences it is a weakness. SUCKS!!! I tell ya just sucks!!
I need to be honest with me; I need to learn to trust me, and to trust me I need to be honest. Honest about my feelings, honest about what I can, cannot handle....and admitting that I need, is a good start.
I think I might of went of topic.
Ohh.. Hell, I always go off topic.