January 16, 2013

Cold and Distant

I had a wonderful conversation with a man I dated before Sir....it was very pleasant he was able to help me see something’s I may have not been able to see in myself. He was honest and upfront which I know was hard for him,(he likes to tell me what he thinks I want to hear)...so it was refreshing for me to have him open up.

He pointed out a couple of things that he felt I needed to work on, he mentioned that I could be cold, and distant. He also thinks that I should be doing more with my life. I guess being a stay at home mom is not living up to my potential, and I don't know what that potential could possibly be. But he was honest whether I liked it or not, and for that I appreciate his frankness.

Cold and distant?

I am sure he is not the first to think of me that way, I don't mean to be cold, and I don't mean to be distant. It just happens, I get scared of emotion, I push so I don't have to change... so I can stay comfortable ... numb.

Numbness allows me to not have to face up to change, to not accept feelings for what I am... to go on living just to die. I guess the question I should ask myself is comfort worth the coldness inside? Is it so hard to let someone see you for all you are? And I answer Yes, why yes it is.

My shell has served me well, and yes I am petrified of moving out of it, it makes me nervous... what if I crash and burn? What if the world goes Ka- boom... what if I fall, I fail? What if I can't put the pieces back together again like humpty-dumpty??? It could happen; I mean really... it could happen!!!  

Though logic knows better, probability is it won't and I will survive...I have before, it was not fun but I survived and became better for it. It is unfortunate that a tragedy can make you grow so much, and make you see things in a whole new light.

Yet I hold on to my comfy shell, I stay cold; I stay distant.   

No comments:

Post a Comment