A Very New Adventure For Me.

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Music For The Day...I even threw out one I dislike

I will start with Tool "Schism" 

I got turned on to this band when I was probably 15, by watching MTV when they actually played music videos...I loved the darkness of the video which was "Sober" they put it is all their vidoes which I think is brillennt. The have soft hard sound..so in retrospect I like my sex like I like my music. lol

Which is not for everyone, kinda like me.

 I like Taylor Swift...just not 20 times a day. So here it is, because though I do not like it does not mean others feel the same. So here is my torture for the day. Who need a sadistic Dom when you have teeny bopper music, and 3 pre teen girls.

So here is Taylor Swift "We Will Never  Ever Get Back Together"

The Wonders of My Dating Life

This chatting stuff is quite entertaining.

So today I was chatting  with a man who claims to a Dom, Oooh me, Oooh my... very, very interesting  His deal is he is coming out my way for business and wanted to meet up for a play date.

I like to play and I love to play with players(I never play with good men, i do have a conscious)  ...I know it is wrong but they set themselves up by being so darn stupid. I tried to keep the conversation on a getting to know each other, knowing already what direction this was going.... seeing how long it would take him. As you all could imagine, the direction went right to sex and expletive sex, byond likes and dislikes or limits....so after playing with him a bit, teasing, seeing how far he would go with it, I ask "once all is done and over with what would you do?" His answer was leave..."bleeep!!" wrong answer...I took my time then corrected him, and then he corrected his answer to fit mine.....Notta!! going to happen also I would never do a one night stand like that. But it is so fun to play with a player....

My date with the poly guy is today, I think the two of us covered possibly everything there is to cover...from  our hobbies, our faults, are likes and dislikes, the what ifs.. negative and positive; what we are both looking for, e-mail after e-mail...with detail, not just on sex but the whole experience.

I have never ever in my whole life fallen upon such an open man, (Sir was but never at this level) I am amazed at how open he has been with me, which has open the door for me to be more open. I have never ever been as open as I have been with him (I was very open with Sir but did start to shut down, for fear of him being scared of me, and my depth...then the feeling) I am in hopes that I will remain to be open, I tend to shut down when I start having stronger feeling towards anyone.

We both have the same fear of not having the physical connection but we both also no there is a connection no matter how it will work out.

I have thought and over thought about him being in a open marriage. I also realize that he will date other women as well. I am not apposed to that and was not apposed to that with Sir...(I actually liked the idea, he could get what he could not get from me) . It allows me to further my fascination with with well everything...I do love exploring the human mind and all of its wonders.

Also good writing materiel.

Beautiful Stranger

He is still, still as night
Silent, pondering
Looking deep within himself

Where is he?

Art by Ozana Muzka

The beautiful stranger
With the beautiful darkness
I hunger for

He is quiet, relaxed, at ease

He does not see me

He is lost in his own quiet thoughts, as I slip on by, into his mind so deep

There is he

The beautiful stranger

With the beautiful darkness

I hunger for

His silence mesmerizes me

I wonder,

As I wander

In to his mind so deep

Who is he?

That beautiful stranger

With the beautiful darkness

I hunger for

His silence is broken

by something unknown to me

Something unseen 

I lower my eyes, did he realize

That I got lost in his mind

Searching out

Searching for

That beautiful stranger

With the beautiful darkness

I hunger for

Foolish Girl or Just Plain Fun?

I am a glutton for punishment...a true masochist in every sense,  I shake my head at myself and say girl why do  you do the things you do?...and after doing that I still do what I want.

I have been talking to a man who is in a poly relationship with his wife, *asks one self why* I think my love to experience all the craziness that life has to offer, or I am the biggest commitment phob out there, i will go with the latter.

And yes it has been more then consider, with a date being set up.

Oh me, oh my...all I can do is laugh at my foolishness, I so do embrace my foolishness with my foolish pride.

I am very excited to meet him, we have a lot in common. Both having a strong interest in art, we both love the same kind of music, he loves being out in nature, very honest, very fourth coming...we have both put a lot of are rubbish on the table, and both having an understanding of that rubbish. We both have a dark side, both are understanding and non judgemental. He is interested in exploring his more Dominate side,(this is something his wife has no interest in at all) and well, as a sub that naturally integers me. Now that aspect of him or I was not brought up till we decided to set up a date.

Also this kinda set up allows me to play Dom with the other guy I met...I am really thinking it could be lots of fun.

I feel good about both, but I will only know with meeting up and time.

This shall be fun, if not fun it shall be interesting.

Black and White Erotic Pictures.

 I felt like showing black and whites with no faces...showing how beautiful the human body is, all of it curves waiting  to be discovered.

Some More Songs, I Love to Share Songs.

Two wonderful post punk bands, with two of my favorite songs.

The Smiths "How Soon Is Now"

                                               
                          An everyday quest `of mine, is asking where is my mind, I never seem to find it.
                                                      The Pixies "Where is My Mind"
                                               This video is interesting, sweet and moving.

Needing, Why do I Need This So Much?

My hunger to give myself to a Dominate is becoming insatiable, my needing insatiable...and not having someone to submit to is frustrating byond belief. My hunger is undeniable but feels as if it will never be fed. I am thirsting for firm control, to give my life that balance... I feel so out of balance, so lost needing... wanting..

I don't know how to go about this, I have done it before, but now that I got a better taste of it I crave it even more, I know how it brings me peace; I need to have that peace in my life.

I need to feel a rough hand across my face, over my body; I need to go down on my knees and look up with pleading eyes, eyes bagging to be used. I need to give of myself...need to give to, need to be his and his alone. I miss the feeling of pleasing, the wholeness I feel when one smiles at me, the feeling of happiness when one is proud of how well I did, to amuse, to satisfy ones hunger...someone to appreciate what a good girl I could be for them, how much I can give. I am byond want, I need and it does not feel so good, not to be-able to be the submissive I am.

A million questions have come about after the ending with Sir, me asking what/who I am, who I am truly? If I am truly submissive? I realize now that I needed to justify not having that component, I needed to justify so I could but aside my needing, my wanting.

I am lost and I need control... but I can not find my own control any more...she is growing tired and wary, she is needing, and willing. Not just the sexual aspect but the whole, the making a good strong Dominate happy by appeasing his needs and wants, I want and need to give.

This submissive no longer questions who and what she is...she is not losing her way...she just needs to give to feel whole once again.

Erotic Paintings.

Art and Erotica 

My love of art is undeniable, I find beauty in all that surrounds me. My sexuality is a very big part of who I am. My sexuality is an expressen of my inner most being, it is an art form in its self and I so do love art in it's many forms. Art to me is passion, passion is what moves me, moves me to expression to express my fears, my joy, my love, my anger, my darkness and my light. 

With out passion, would there be art? 

With out art, could we express our passion? 

Art is part of my essences,  as is my passion, as is my sexuality. 

Add it all together and you get the

 mad mess that is me. 

 

Me Dom??? Seriously!!!

I so do love the men I meet in this on line dating thingy...

There is this guy I talked to before I met Sir, he was trying to get me to Dom him, LOL. Me!! Dom!! too funny.

He is very quite insistent on it. As soon as I get back on to the dating sight, he messages me...now mind you I have told him I do not play Dom, I am like him and submissive but you know men... they only hear what they want to.

But, I was thinking this could be fun... why not, I have tried it before...but said man was a wimp (a masochistic sub should not Dom, one ends up making the assumption that a bottom can take as much pain as ones self) poor guy, don't think he knew what he was in for...but he learned right quick.

So this guy's kink is going down on women, he likes to lick and lick a lot... could be fun.. could be.

I could be bossy, I could... I think...oh hell...maybe.

I think I should try just for the hell of it.... though Domming seems like a lot of work.
Do this...
do that..
up, down..
turn around,
sit, kneel...all sorts of different orders,

and I would have to be the one that has the final say, make up my mind, for just not me but another.... Oooh...ummm...  that sounds like to much work for a little lickty, lick. Don't you think?

But could be fun, I will have to think a little more about it...  though it could not hurt. I could see what it feels like being a Dom first hand. I could do it, sure I can....think.

And what women does not like a little poo-nanny loving? (Shame on my vulgarness) lol

I  

Songs, Songs, Songs...Because I Love to Sing All Night Long.

Some of my favorit songs.

Silver Sun Pickups "Lazy Eye"

This is one of the better performances they have done, he sings with such passion, and she kills on bass.

Black Eyes Peas "Gotta A Feeling"

Who does not want to have a good time, this song is a get up and go, just have fun. Makes me want to go dancing.

Love to share music.

On My Way Getting My Grove Back

I did it, I am back in the dating game....

I am going to make it fun... for now, I love to flirt, and love meeting new people. So hopefully this will put me in the up and up, take me out of my funk... and get my grove back.

I so utterly need my grove back...need a little ego feed, (we all need a little ego feed from time to time)

Also I will be able to write about more interesting stuff. I am getting bored with me, and that is never good when one gets bored with ones self.

A hunting I will go... do dawww, do dayyy

Yep...my head is in the gutter lol

Me and My But's

I am in a funk

I hate being in a funk, I am no fun, I am cynical, I am more unmotivated than usually (did not think it was possible, but yet it is) and worse Yet!! I am becoming my mom.

So how does one deal with this??

Well I tried my go to method of just avoiding this funk, in hopes it will just go away.
But that did not work out so well.

Tried getting out, that  help a little...but yet still the feeling remains.

Tried to make myself all pretty, but that only made more work for me.

Tried being positive, but positive is so hard to do when one is cynical.

Sarcasm, sarcasm was good for a minute or two but then I end up pissing people off, and well that is never a good feeling. Also it kinda sorta pushes people away. But is fun at the time... quick fix with a down side.

I could drink and get drunk, but I am not found of the feeling, brings back to many not so good memories.

Tried watching funny shows but I became bored and the shows became uninteresting.

Of course my imps put a smile on my face but when you are in a funk that is not enough.

Oh!! holy hell... I am just one big BUT!!!

When One Becomes Two and A Pity party Brews.

I seem to be growing far away from this, far away from what is to be submissive. I lost my footing and don't know how to get it back into place.

I am far away from myself and needing to regain some sort of balance in my life... I need to be master and slave...mother and father, I need to dominate  and submits, and  at times playing the  two rolls can be daunting, can be overwhelming and incredibly trying.

I am two people all stuffed in one body, each trying to get out, trying to figure how to do this, how to make this work.

If I could split myself into two, then just maybe I could make a balance but that is physically impossible. So I am searching for another way to go about it, and well that is not so easy...I feel it should, and I try... but I seem to fail and get caught up in being the perfect two when I am only one.

I feel myself becoming bitter, and quite frankly pissy at the world for no good reason, other then the fact that I can.

I make excuses, get frustrated at myself, then I shut down...and well, that is never good. But at least I feel it coming on and maybe can get a hold of it before it gets a hold of me.

OK... I think I am done with this pity party I have thrown for myself...

Master says "get working girl."

"Yes Sir!"

Must obey....

Oh hell, I might be going crazy, I am answering back to ones self.

The Want of Needing More.

Finding pleasure in pain

pain in the pleasure

Moving away

no need to embrace

One quick tug, one quick taste

Gone with the sleight of hand

the sleight of grace

The fear is there

it is near...

Feeling the uncertainty, it is so unclear

Quick and sharp

stinging and throbbing

So much pain, yet pleasure

So much pleasure, yet pain

Going and gone

longing for more

Then without warning

a sting, sharp and throbbing

each lash becoming longer and stronger

Wanting and craving

Needing and bagging

Stop, go, stay, get away, comeback

Sure and needy, wanting more

Begging and pleading, needing more

Sleight of hand

Sleight of grace

Quick and sharp was replaced

Standing still, knelling, crawling

gazing glassy eyes

wondering why

Here than gone

than back again, kneeling, pleading and bagging for more.    

I Had A Aha!! Moment With a Little Help.

I read such an insightful post on Jumping On In:  it made me think...and gave me a better understanding of my struggles with being submissive. Allowing me to see what it is to be submissive in a whole new light; the acceptance and growth in which it takes with the struggles that come along with not having the guidance of a good Dominant.

I think I question myself way to much, instead of accepting it for what is. I also forget that to be submissive you need someone to submit to. So of course I feel less submissive, of course I feel as if I am losing what I just found in myself. For I have just recently accepted my submissive, just recently learned to embraced what has been locked up for so long.

But for it to flourish and grow I need to feel the control...need to give in, to give too. Yet  none is  there at this time and I suppose I have to regress, I have to because it takes two to make  TTWD work.

I am a learning, and everyday come to a new understanding a new knowledge and am  so grateful for all the bloggers that give so much insight. For a newbie it is very comforting. 

Feeling A Bit Grateful Today...and Slightly Random

I am so very happy that I was talked into doing this blog, or told... ether which way I am happy with the out come.

It originated  for Sir to get to know me better, as I communicate  better with the written word more so then the spoken word.

As we parted ways, I thought of ending it... I mean really what could I add, what could I learn if I am not truly participating in the life style.

Well I was wrong, I keep on learning, I keep on getting a deeper understanding of what TTWD mean to so many. And along the way I have gotten a better understanding of myself.

I had no idea when I started this journey that I would end up here.

I had no idea how much more I could grow as a person.

It is odd... the feeling is odd, surreal maybe... knowing that there are many other out there that struggle with similar things as I. How long I have felt alone, lost in my own thoughts... wondering what was wrong with me, wondering why I feel the way I do. And then to know I am not alone has been quite comforting. To know that I can find happiness in what I seek, what I want, and what I need to be content with the true  me.

As I grow, as I discover, as I get a better understanding of all that is.... and accept all that is not. I will continue to write, I will continue to learn... and most of all I will keep an open mind to the new, and unique ways of being.

 It is amazing what one can learn with an open mind. I am lucky to have been lead in this direction .. and grateful for the nudges here and there to keep me going. I am grateful for all that share their deepest inner thoughts, for all the words put down on a blank page... to fill it up with color, and wonder, to fill it with new questions to ponder. And the lovely knowledge to know as soon as I think I got it... a new question will come along to challenge a old thought.