Looking, Seeing...Truth and Being.

  Forgiveness, letting go, setting yourself free...sometimes as humans we hold on to negatives. Sometimes we can’t seem to let it go, though it holds us back from true happiness. I don't know why, what is the purpose of holding on to such hurt, allowing others so much power over our own lives. I once was the victim of my accord, I did not need to be the victim, I did not need to hold that role... to allow one, such power over my being. But I did and I thrived on it, it allowed me to not get close to anybody, in essences it protected me from getting hurt. From what, I ask? Self-defeating at it worse, in all of my self-defeating behaviors victim was the worse role for me to play.

Losing one’s mind has it benefits, actually I am grateful for loosing mine.... pure hell but coming out on the other side, and still alive is its own reward. I have learned so much, I was stripped of all pride; I was forced to look in the mirror and see me for what I was….Striped down and bear to bone... no hiding from the demons no diminishing my faults. I first had to see the negatives; I had to feel the down...needed to go through the self-abuse, self-loathing, to see through to the center to get to the essence which is me. Truth became what I seek, what I seek in me, what I seek from life. And truth is what I found but I could not find truth in a rose colored world, could not find truth in world full of lies... and the worse lies are the lies we tell our selves… so broken, torn I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and see me for all I was.

I found in those dark years a little girl who fell into the world of victim, I gave people power, too much power, probably power that they did not even know they could have over another. With that I gave away my own power and my own happiness. And that was sad, it was sad to see in myself...sad to see that I wasted so many years hating, so much hating of people who did not care ether way... so much power for nothing. I learned forgiveness, I learned to let go, I learned how not to hate...so self-defeating hate is. With that knowledge I got back my power.

I no longer give anyone power over me, even in a power exchange relationship...my power is still in me, my choice is still mine... I see as we both get something. I like giving, I like giving into Sir...the feel of his control gives me power… gives me strength to be me, and be comfortable with who I am. It is odd, I suppose or maybe not...to give so willing so much but get even more in return... Submissive cannot be weak because it takes strength to give. I could not do this in my early 20's, or even later... I needed to see me for all my weakness before I could see me for all my strengths... and be able to give so freely to one who can possess it so well.

Worried

I have not heard from Sir in a few days and I am worried, I am not sure if something is going on in his life and I need to give him space, if an accident took place or he just does not want to talk with me anymore. I am no good with uncertainty... and less good with worry. So I do hope he is OK, and it is ether he needs space or does not want to talk with me anymore. I can live with that, I would be hurt... but hurt goes with life, and hurt is better than worry and uncertainty.

My little head can spin quite a story, and the story is never good...how I loathe the places my head can go. But I shall try to put worry on the shelf, in hopes to hear from him soon, and that he is alright. That will make me happy to know that he is alright.

How Not To Find Sanity in a Insane World.

I am losing it or I have already lost it, or maybe somewhere in between... I'll go with in between, that will at least give me hope, and hope is good... at least I hope so. Oh good god of all, I need ether to cry, to scream or to dig a whole and bury myself in it.

 My house is chaos, it is in disarray... I am in a roundabout...and I don't know how to get out of it. I need order; I cannot take any more of this... I clean, kids mess, I give up kids still mess, I yell kids mess, I bribe… still a mess... I pull my hair out... house is still a mess...with my hair all over. Oh and little shit head puppy makes sure she gets her shear of the mess in to.

To make matters worse kids have a three day week at school, I am beginning to loathe holidays, weekends snow days and summer. Now I understand my mom, as I never have before...and am getting why she does not see her grandkids much. We burnt the poor women out, and my girls are working me the same way. My oldest had the audacity to ask me to home-school her "HOME-SCHOOL!!" is she kidding me... I would rather go to the dentist and have him/her pull my teeth out with no Novocain then homeschooling...Homeschooling would be pure torture.

So I am thinking I may be losing my mind, or already have... not sure, still debating it. But I need to try to make it another 11 years sane... or not..... I could always get a cardboard box in a dark ally, Wow!! that is sounding kind of peaceful about now. But knowing my luck they will follow...lol

Being True to Self

  So many years passed me by, so much wasted time trying to find that true place where I fit... finding me wonderful, smart and beautiful, and all along I was. Only if I had the wisdom back then, but only ifs don't count. And I can only live for today, not my yesterdays and surely not my tomorrow's.

  I know longer look for the place I fit, I really don't mind that I don't fit at all. In a world full of look alike's, and plastic faces, I am happy mine is animated...that I wear no mask at all, thou if only I could knock down some of my walls. (Oh right only ifs don't count ;but maybe if only, do.)  I do not judge look alike's or do I judge plastic faces, only point out that, that is not what I am about.

  So I am not perfect nor would I ever want to be, if I was, then there would be no room to grow. I live this one life, I live it to learn and hopefully I learn well. And if maybe on the journey I find I am going astray, I can go back and see what I learned in my yesterdays... thou I don't live there anymore, does't mean I can not learn from my past mistakes.

  True to Self, true to you, true to all...New lesson to learn, new beginning and old endings. I am looking forward to the next chapter to be written.

  Now I have a kinky partner that I call Sir, we have much fun that is for sure. He keeps me on my toes for I never know when the next blow will come to my sweet ass. And how I love to see his smile, how it brings me to my knees, I am his and that is just how I like it to be. If I was not true to me, I would of never known that I could find someone so fine...he makes me squeal and that is so divine. What a lucky women am I.

Being True...
being genuine...
being kind and understanding that is me, and there is no one else I would rather be. My good, my bad, and my ugly...it is me, it is you and it is beautiful.  

Begging

   I do not do begging well, I am quite horrible at it. I question my lack of begging skills... though I don't think I ever did it well even as a child. Mom would say "No" and that was end of discussion... whatever it was I wanted I guess I could do without.

   I am thinking was there ever anything I could not do without. As a child... we were by no means spoiled. We got on our birthdays and christmas. No big...as my dad says wanting builds character,( I should have plenty of that by now lol). Again not complaining because when you get it makes it even more wonderful.

   So begging... I hate it.. I feel silly. I want to do good at it for Sir but when I start at it, all I come up with is please and pretty please... over and over, so redundant. I could offer him something in return but what do you offer someone who you would do almost anything to or for.

   Begging..how I loathe it. I would rather be paddled with the evil little stick. Would rather stand in the corner with a red ass, I would rather have my tits tortured till warm to touch, till the softest of touches hurts. How is it that such a simple thing such as begging caused me such distress. Most children do it with ease,, with conviction. Not me.

Maybe one day I'll get it, though I doubt it.

Giving Ones Self

  So I was lying down last night on the couch and a flood of thoughts crashed into my head. Knowing me if I did not write them down I would forget. That is what I did, trying to sort through years of self-observation of the where’s and whys and what’s or how could I. When thinking I tend to go to one topic from another...I can start off with rejection and end up on begging. Often my thoughts are so scattered I am unable to make little sense of where I was to go with it.  I went old school, grab a pencil and scrap paper and tried to write as coherent as I could, so I could sort it all out and hopefully get more out of all the racing thoughts in my head. Here it goes, and I hope I make sense.

   I have a tendency of giving pieces of me, very little pieces. That makes me not form meaningful bonds with others be it friendships, be it lovers, and even family. I think I am a good person and I do care for most people in my life, I want to give more, I want to be more but then I get scared. Often I overcompensate for my lack of sharing my inner self. I listen well, I don't judge, I give my strengths, hugs and encouragement but I don't share my feelings, I don't share my fears, I don't ask for help. Now I never thought of those qualities as being selfish, I thought them giving. I thought that made me a really good friend because I wanted very little in return, but now I know different, I know that I was very selfish indeed.

   One of my major realizations was with a very old and dear friend of mine; we go back some 20 odd years. We lived together and at times seemed inseparable. I was always there for her through all her turmoil and there was plenty. I did not mind at all, I care; I love her as a sister, and wanted her to be happy with her life.

   Along came my darkest hour, and she was not there. This time I tried, I called out for a friend. Later after I found my strength once again, we started to talk. She apologized for not being there for me, and said that she did not know how to handle me being weak... for I was always the strong one. That hurt... but that is what I gave. I am now old enough to know to take ownership of my part in things. I now am able to see my faults for what they are. Now I need to learn to change.

  There comes the racing thoughts’ running through my head often at night, often followed by different racing thoughts, so I never truly get to dissect a thought to make a positive change. Now here is my chance and my conclusion, and hopefully a new beginning.

   In giving oneself, it is not selfish... in giving oneself, you allow depth, and you allow growth. I know that in giving I can't do it all at once, I need to pace... I need let go a little at a time. Patience Sir says...and patience is what I need, I need to give and to take it. Taking is not easy for me, depending on others is not easy for me, but to grow I need to take, I need to depend... I need to trust, and most of all I need to let go of my preconceived notions of how I think things should be, of how I think I should be. If by chance allowing someone to know, and see more of me should scare them away, then so be it. We were not meant to be and that is OK. I know this need’s to become a mantra for me, for old ways can come back with ease. I really don't want to push good people away anymore; it is quite lonely when you only have you and your selfish pride.

  Now that I have sorted that out, I will apply it to my life. I owe that to my children to my family, to my friends, to Sir, and any new friends I might make along this journey called life but most of all I owe it to myself and that is not being selfish at all.

Need a Little Love

 I had another night of not being able to fall asleep... my sex drive has been that of a teenage boy and is driving me insane...

    I go through these spells, and it can be fun with the right out lit but fortunately-unfortunately for me, Sir and I have family obligations... in other words we happily oblige to our kids. Which is part of single parenthood, but makes it very difficult to meet up on a regular basis?

   I feel like a teenager but a reversal of roles. To kids “can mommy go out tonight" kids, "no mommy you went out last weekend. “Me "but, but... please..." Revenge is mine when they are teens...

   Though I would not change that aspect of my life for all of the world’s wealth, power or fame… But yet that does not make the rise of hormones, that is surging through my system go away.

  Oh dear... so I must relay on the self-gratifying method of release...in a house of kids that don't believe mommy should have any private time. So there goes the reason I can't sleep... need outlet, NOW!! lol

Needing to Learn to Let Go, and to Grow.

 
        Sticky feeling of contempt that keeps on washing over me...there is something that is brewing at the top that has for a while that I just can't seem to let out… no matter how hard I try. I want to let go, free myself of the burden, but keep on struggling with facing it... I shove its little ugly head down any time it seems to bubble up. Trying so hard to figure out what it is, where is it coming from?

    Got it!!! Roadblocks galore, I don't want to let her (the woman in grief) go, I don't want to let him go... I don't want to move on... I want to hang on to the idea of what would've been. I want my family that I was supposed have. I want my children to have their father; I want to have my lover... I want to have that deep connection, that bond the feeling of being one with another, and I am afraid it is a one shot deal. I have come to the conclusion that my romantic life is to be a revolving door... one lover after another. One lesson after another ... I want to be good, I want to be pure... I want to wholly and truly be his...but the roadblocks. How am I to let go? Time heals and it has. But being a person of such passion, such intensity I tend to hang on to, too much for too long.

   Sir is patient...for that I am lucky also, and I will be patient with him. But I cannot be my best for him if I don't let my affair with the dead go. I have been on this rode far too long, he is not coming back...I have bargain and lost, I have pleaded and begged... and the powers have dined me his return. I have look to the devil and offered my soul, and even it could not bring him back to me. It is coming to the point if I don't let go it will destroy any chance, at any happiness for me....7 years and still holding on to the ghost. I need to let go, he would've wanted me to. But the pill is a jagged one and so hard to swallow.

   Sir is good; I know he is good... I see it in his eyes, and eyes don't lie. I feel lucky every time I am in his arms, just to have him for a moment is better to have never had him at all. But life is fleeting and there are no guarantees....not for me, not for him or anyone for that matter. So I am at the stage of convincing myself to just let go, let be what will... to give in. Not give up, just give in... Stop the fighting, the inner struggle with being faithful to the dead.

   I will grow, I will give that...and with growth you need to let go, I will give that. I will find that inner strength to let go... to move on, to be free. To no longer bear the cross of the past that holds me down. I will look to the future.. I will see happiness there; I will see content instead of contempt... I will grow to be the woman I am, I have always been... to show my true inner beauty my true inner strength. So not only will I reap the benefits but so will my children...and so will anyone who is lucky enough to be part of my life.