Where I Am at For Now

Where to go with this, I am happy the holidays are almost over, just have to get the new year out of the way or the old year out of the way, however it works. I am so tired, I am ready for hibernation. The long nights make it perfect... so sleepy lullabies here I come, if only :( I got one more week of the kids being home from school, I can’t wait for it... I have not even been able to sleep in that much, and that is what makes them being out of school work for me lol.

 I have had so much anxiety the past few weeks, I feel as if I am crawling out of my skin. It did get me working on a drawing, and was able to complete this picture. Although I do hope everything goes back to normal soon so the anxiety will go away. I don't think I can take any more of it.

I have also been thinking about ways of better myself the past few days; I have to come up with a list. I know with the list I will have to take things slow. If I try to do too much at once I just end up setting myself up to fail.

So I think I will do a bullet point list... that should keep it short and to the point... with short easy steps that I can build into. I shall put that together when I have a little more free time as of now the girls are taking up any free time I can muster and if they are not around a very messy house is calling my name....always calling my name.  

                                                                                                     

A Tongue in Cheek Rant... The Bitch...

I battle with the inner bitch, I am uncomfortable being that, I don't like being hard, I don't like being mean. I like being soft, I like being kind... I like giving but I don't like being taken advantage of, I don't like being played with, I don't like my emotions to be toyed with.

So I feel I am forced to be the bitch, gotta be tough, gotta be hard as nails, can't let anyone see you soft, see you kind... though that is all I want to be, I want to be me, I feel most free in that state.

But, (there are always buts)... I can't, I can't be me, and the lessons keep on coming back to that... I open, I learn quickly I should have stayed closed, should have stayed hard, keep the facade up a bit longer, pretend, I have become good at that. I have excelled at pretending to be someone I am not, to the point that I might be, becoming just that.

 People seem to respect the bitch, bow to the bitch... hell, fall head over heels for the bitch. Bitch got it going on. But, (again another but)... I don't like being that, I want to be me, I want to be free of the bitch, I don't want to need her. I want to only be me, my true self... the little sweet girl, the kind loving women I was always meant to be.

 But, (once again another but) I battle with the inner bitch and she seems to always win... dang that bitch is always right.

The Path to Me.

I have been kicking around in my head, what it is to me to be a submissive women. I run in to mind roadblocks, I run into guards  so carefully placed through out years of being what I was taught to be. I do want to set myself free, I do want to be me, no pretense, but it is hard.

 My independence is a very big part of me, though it burdens me, and the stress at times feels unbearable. It is all I know, I have done it on my own, I have never been truly part of a two. When my girls father was alive he was so engrossed in his drug abuse that I carried the burden of parenthood on my own. Don't get me wrong i have had lots of help from family, but at the end of the day it is my girls and I.

 Point being, I don't know what I would do if I had someone else in my life. Could I give up control, it sounds so good in theory but when it comes down to it, could I? I am comfortable to be submissive, I found it quite easy to give the sexual aspects of me up, I struggled with the emotionell, but that was because I knew the relationship I was involved in could end with ease. I think I got a bit scared at what I was willing to give. A bit scared  how at comfort I was with my submissive.

But now I am left with questions, trying to understand what it is I need, want, can give. I am left with fear, could I even be in a full time relationship with the responsibility that single parenthood holds. Could I ever build a trust so deep that my kids would become part of this hypothetical relationship. The world is ever so scary, so much to loose, is is worth any gain.

 I would love to have balance in my life, something I have truly never had. I am such a scatterbrain, with lack of any true focus Could a strong dominate male bring that in my life? could I allow it? Would I be giving up my interdependence my free spirit, my drifty ways or would I be a more focused, more content,  a more balance woman.

I guess I will never know unless I put myself out there. Take the hypothetical risk, let go of my fears, though easier said then done.        

Appreciation

I would like to thank Fondles for putting my name out there, and all the peeps that have visited.

 I hope I can add some good stuff to this kind community. I do enjoy all the wonderful blogs I have read, and have learned so much. Everyone has such wonderful insight, and fun story's to read. But most of all the acceptance with in the community, Wow!! it is very comforting. I am glad Sir had me do this, no matter how uncomfortable I was at first, it is worth it.    

Laughter, and Spanking

I have read a lot of post on being spanked to tears, which brought a question to mind.

 I wonder if anyone else has ever been spanked to laughter. Not disrespectful laughter, not challenging your Dom, just laughing because the emotion was so strong. Kind of like being tickled, (but better, I loathe being tickled) just an uncontrollable laughter.

Now it happen to me twice, once when Sir was slapping my breast, another time was when he was flogging my thighs, and my va-jay-jay (that word makes me giggle). It was a mix of tears and uncontrollable laughter, I tried very hard to stop, but to no avail. Lucky me he seemed amused, and maybe slightly confused, but I seem to have that effect on people.  

I was wondering, if anyone happens to come across this post..have you ever been spanked to laughter???

Awakenings

 I took the most refreshing walk in the rain with wonderfully wild puppy, walking in nature has a way of balancing me. The cool drizzle kissing my face, felt so refreshing. I happen upon a part in the path were the creek running next to it overflowed, I removed my socks and shoes as there was no other way to bypass it without getting wet. I must say the sharp cold water felt nice on my feet, the water flow tickled, I felt alive. Felt free.

As I was walking clarity of thought embraced me... I was able to see what I was missing, not where I went wrong or the feeling I am not made for this life style. More or less, how I see, how I feel and accepting each passing emotions for what it is, to feel the shame and accept it and overcome it, to feel regret, and realize I would of done nothing different. Take in the frustration, knowing that everyone feels frustrated at times. To feel as if I failed, at least I tried... and found I like it, but I am new, and being new leads to learning and to learn I need to fall.

 I have also been trying to see things through his eyes, his hurts, his worries, and realized that maybe he did not know what to expect, on top of a tremulous time in his life. All I can hope for him is he is able to find some peace, and not feel so overwhelmed with the dramatic changes. As supportive as I can be, I am also a distraction for him, to truly heal he needs to accept his feeling as well. Feeling are real, and can be destructive if not dealt with in a healthy way, but feeling should also be accept and felt, so the healing can begin.

I also need to accept the fact that Sir is fairly new at this too, and to top it off we are new to each other. It is a recipe for ups and down, and just wanting to give up. I still feel it is worth it, but I am one of two.

To change the subject.

I will now go with why I started this blog to begin with, with Sir Encouragement of course. I sure in hell would have not done it on my own lol. Coming to terms with being, relating to my submissive.

One of the hardest parts for me at this time is me knowing that I cannot do a vanilla relationship again. Not like I was ever satisfied with it, constantly chasing something that was not available to me. Now I am more aware of what I want, and what works for me.  Which is good, and bad...but I am not down that rode yet so need to go there.

 I also am struggling with trust and issues of abandonment... silly but true. Coming to terms with it is harder than I thought it would be, and I am in hopes I will one day.

 Now the sex, spankings, and some of the more humiliating aspects, also my lust for pain I guess just coming to terms with my kink. Oh my! That is a hard one, love, love all of those...it is hard to describe in words what it does to me. But I will try.  It focuses me, and well turns me on, makes me wet and untimely weak... in a very good way.

Why is it hard? Because it is shameful... or is viewed as shameful, the feelings of sham, for asking for it makes me feel less of a women, and in many men eyes it does. So that leaves me to finding the right unique man, and I am so very lucky for my good Sir...but he is an uncertainty as all in life is, but this uncertainty is even more shaky and that leaves me more vulnerable, and it is scary. It is something I walked into with open eyes and am grateful for him regardless of how things turn out...but the prospect of searching for a new Dom is not sounding like much fun. Yet again I am not on that rode yet. Should not worry, silly me.

OK I think I am done...maybe next post I will try for a dirty story...needs to get my mojo back lol. Or I can start one and never finish, I am good for that.

    

 

Less Unsure

I have talked with Sir, and feel we have come to an understanding. A point of  agreement. I can see better from where he is coming from, and hopefully he can see where I am coming from. As all we can do is meet in the middle and hopes we come out with a better understanding.

I entered this fully aware of where he is at in his life, there are a lot of changes, a lot hurt, a lot healing that he is going through. I am understanding of that, and decided it was something I could handle. All I asked was if anything was changing in him, we were not working or that "the things we do" causes him any undo stress to let me in. He has told me often that he would.

 But...

 I would say that one of my biggest insecurities is to be played with, and then dumped. No words, no nothing...and that insecurity has a way of eating through my mind like a mad disease, and erases all of the trust I put in to the person. It is something I need to come to terms with, but find it harder to do, because of the way we play. In this, "the things we do"...I give more of myself, I let down so many bearers that even though many walls are still in place, I am left vulnerable...and need more then with any vanilla relationship, to have full trust in my partner.

 I trust in him when we play, I do.... or else I would not do it. But the emotional aspect, the after aspect, well that is a struggle. He is good and checks up on me, he is gentile, and gives plenty of aftercare. It is when I process, when I am left with my own thoughts, that I doubt and question myself...myself respect and yes.. how can a man respect a women like me?  That is when the fear/insecurity rears its ugly little head. When I try to find the answers to whys, to the hows... and whats, and when I need affirmation the most.

I am sure in time the fear will lay to rest, the more I realize that I am making more of something out of nothing, that his word is good, more trust will get established and I will be able to accept me for me, and him for him.

Unsure

I am unsure right now where I am going with this lifestyle, the things we do. I put down a post earlier to say goodbye but took it down (I don't feel i am done learning yet). As I am almost certain Sir and I are through, (why uncertainty is because he has not been clear) I don't know if it just me or if others have a problem with men being clear, I feel I am reading between the lines and it is frustrating. I know where he is coming from, I get it, I knew from the start and have been understanding and open but he seems to be stuck and I don't know what I am to do about that.

I can let it just go, but I want closure... I want to know it was not all for nothing. I am unsure if that is unfair of me.. to want, to have the need to be talk to... to understand better. I often find myself in this situation with men. I try not to complicate, I try to let things just be, but I leave myself empty...I forget about me, and I am not sure if that is fair. I am a strong woman...but strength can only carry you so far before you fall.

He could say, anyone could say i suppose, I knew what I was getting myself into, and I did... he did not lie to me...but in my defense I deserve more then an empty e-mail. I deserve to be treated better then that, and me being me, I am defending him. Good God....I make it way to easy to be played with. A true masochistic in every way.

Well in short, I am here to learn... to accept my nature, weather there is or not a Dominant in my life. I will see where it goes, will hopefully get a better grip on the working and how to keep my eyes better opened. For what is, is and I can not change that, I can only learn.