I have been kicking around in my head, what it is to me to be a submissive women. I run in to mind roadblocks, I run into guards so carefully placed through out years of being what I was taught to be. I do want to set myself free, I do want to be me, no pretense, but it is hard.
My independence is a very big part of me, though it burdens me, and the stress at times feels unbearable. It is all I know, I have done it on my own, I have never been truly part of a two. When my girls father was alive he was so engrossed in his drug abuse that I carried the burden of parenthood on my own. Don't get me wrong i have had lots of help from family, but at the end of the day it is my girls and I.
Point being, I don't know what I would do if I had someone else in my life. Could I give up control, it sounds so good in theory but when it comes down to it, could I? I am comfortable to be submissive, I found it quite easy to give the sexual aspects of me up, I struggled with the emotionell, but that was because I knew the relationship I was involved in could end with ease. I think I got a bit scared at what I was willing to give. A bit scared how at comfort I was with my submissive.
But now I am left with questions, trying to understand what it is I need, want, can give. I am left with fear, could I even be in a full time relationship with the responsibility that single parenthood holds. Could I ever build a trust so deep that my kids would become part of this hypothetical relationship. The world is ever so scary, so much to loose, is is worth any gain.
I would love to have balance in my life, something I have truly never had. I am such a scatterbrain, with lack of any true focus Could a strong dominate male bring that in my life? could I allow it? Would I be giving up my interdependence my free spirit, my drifty ways or would I be a more focused, more content, a more balance woman.
I guess I will never know unless I put myself out there. Take the hypothetical risk, let go of my fears, though easier said then done.