December 18, 2012

The Path to Me.

I have been kicking around in my head, what it is to me to be a submissive women. I run in to mind roadblocks, I run into guards  so carefully placed through out years of being what I was taught to be. I do want to set myself free, I do want to be me, no pretense, but it is hard.

 My independence is a very big part of me, though it burdens me, and the stress at times feels unbearable. It is all I know, I have done it on my own, I have never been truly part of a two. When my girls father was alive he was so engrossed in his drug abuse that I carried the burden of parenthood on my own. Don't get me wrong i have had lots of help from family, but at the end of the day it is my girls and I.

 Point being, I don't know what I would do if I had someone else in my life. Could I give up control, it sounds so good in theory but when it comes down to it, could I? I am comfortable to be submissive, I found it quite easy to give the sexual aspects of me up, I struggled with the emotionell, but that was because I knew the relationship I was involved in could end with ease. I think I got a bit scared at what I was willing to give. A bit scared  how at comfort I was with my submissive.

But now I am left with questions, trying to understand what it is I need, want, can give. I am left with fear, could I even be in a full time relationship with the responsibility that single parenthood holds. Could I ever build a trust so deep that my kids would become part of this hypothetical relationship. The world is ever so scary, so much to loose, is is worth any gain.

 I would love to have balance in my life, something I have truly never had. I am such a scatterbrain, with lack of any true focus Could a strong dominate male bring that in my life? could I allow it? Would I be giving up my interdependence my free spirit, my drifty ways or would I be a more focused, more content,  a more balance woman.

I guess I will never know unless I put myself out there. Take the hypothetical risk, let go of my fears, though easier said then done.        


  1. Yes it is hard and you're right to be concerned about letting someone into your kid's lives, but you deserve to be happy. I think you're wrong about not having any focus in your life- it's obvious that your kids have your full attention. Having said that it's healthy for kids to see their parents in a relationship that makes them happy and meets their needs. One of the best gifts you can give your children is a happy and fulfilled mom.

    1. Very true, I agree 100%. I do want my girls to see what a healthy relationship looks like, I did not have that in my life and has made it hard for me to find that balance.

      Thank you, sometimes I forget how important it is for kids to see mom happy, just like mom like to see them happy.

  2. I think every think you have said here is normal and common. I know Ive had these thoughts at one point or another. I think the key is finding a good dominant who will earn your full trust and submission. One who will make you WANT to give up control, and one who makes it feel good instead of scary.

    1. Thank you, I struggle with understanding normal and common, good to know I am not alone in my thought process. I guess like everything in life it is a journey, I have to stubble before getting up, and moving on to the next stage.