Been On the Out and Out.

I have not been myself; I think I have been doing more sleeping then living...I am so tired of being tired.

I am lagging behind and need to catch up quick before things fall apart so much that the thought of putting it all back together exhaust me all over again. One of the drawbacks of being a single mother is there are no such things as "sick days" no one will pick up you slack, no one will help you and get the dishes done, or maybe throw in a load of laundry....maybe pick up a piece of paper that falls onto the floor " Oh no, that is asking way too much". Nope all of that stuff will wait for me to be better, and pile up.

My dishes are so out of hand, that one's child would have to wash one's own fork, spoon, ect. and what does one's child say..."mom, I need a spoon and there are none" and mom responds "wash one" child says "whatcha talkin about mom, what is this washing you are speaking of?". Insanity!!! But they did let me sleep for the most part. Now I am up and shit needs to get done. And I have come to the conclusion that I am a shitty dictator.

Not only have I been down, but one by one each child has ran into a little tummy virus; so I have been trying my best to tend to their needs, all and all  it has been a long week, and I am hoping next will be better.

Another Silly Contradictory Rant Of Mine.

    I am torn! I am torn I don't know where to go. I want two things but getting both seems to be an impossible task. I want to be the submissive I am, and have it embraced for what it is. I want a caring but evil sadistic Dominant man to dish out the pain, and control I so desire. But I also want to be loved and cared for like the sweet, kind and giving woman I am.

It is not easy getting all of my wants fulfilled, unless I have multiple partners, but I tend to be very faithful when I find the right one. And truly I am getting tired of being such a slut, my sex drive gets me into more trouble than not. I need to get that under control but it is easier said than done...I always want!

And I am misunderstood more than not, I have no shame in saying what I like (for the most part) and that leads one to see me for just my sexuality. I know the easy fix is not to be so upfront, but then you put time and effort into something, and find out that it won't work due to the fact that I need a lot to be satisfied sexually. There is also the man that thinks he can handle me, and then finds out that I am a bit too much (this is with in my vanilla dating).  Then the question arises can I live without being submissive? Without my masochism fulfilled? And I don't think I can... I would always be searching, or pushing one to give me what I need, want and desire...and off a running one will go.

I must not give up hope.

Fetlife Can be Funny

I made a profile on fetlife a few months back but did not do anything with it, just recently I decided to add a little more to my profile and more sexy pic of myself (maybe that is where I went wrong or not) and it has been interesting. I will say upfront that I have made email friends with a new to it sub like me and a very nice gentleman Dom...So all is fair in love and war.

But...Oh I so love my butts...

I had one so called dom, not quite in my area but close, email me. He came off very nice, so I sent an e-mail back...then the punch, do you have a Dom? How submissive are you? Would you like to come to my dungeon and play" WTF. So I did not respond in a timely manner...well he said "that he sees why I don't have a Dom" As we all know I do like to play with players so I took the bait and said "I was sorry, and that I am busy" do you think he respect that answer? No way!! not one little bit. The next email was "well I guess you don't want a Dom" said he... Bingo!!! We have a winner!!!! as my profile says I am looking for friends at this point, not a Dom. Then to top that off he said that people were saying I was a man...such middle school mentality. How I love free entertainment. Oh I so do hope no sub falls for such a fool.

Now up to today, this man seemed fairly innocent (ok as innocent as it gets in this TTWD) His first approach was kind and not overwhelming, not pushy, easy going. He had told me a bit about himself, and that he was a "do it for fun" photographer. He liked my picture and said he would like to do a photo-shoot of me. Ok fine, if I got to know him, some trust was built, I may be up to something like that...but only in time. At first he was cool, but as the e-mails went on he grew more eager, more aggressive He ask if I could meet him tonight for coffee, innocent enough. But I am unable to do to children. He asked if we could meet tomorrow "I said no I cannot" I said maybe next week during the day. He could not do that... then the topper. "Well how about this weekend you come to my place for a photo-shoot" said he. WTF again...I responded nicely that I was not comfortable, I needed to get to know more about him. I got an "ok" and that was it. lol. I shake my head in disbelief, but I have been warned ... Yet it is so entertaining .

Fun, fun, fun!!!

I think I need a life lol

Another Dating Update.

I had two lunch dates monday, both men were wonderfully sweet kind and well rounded, intelligent capable of deeper conversation which never led to sex. Both are vinella, first man had such a sweet innocence, that I found very enduring. Second man, was a little rougher but in a good way, kind well meaning and we had a wonderful conversation that made me lose track of time.

First guy was the one you could take home to mom and mom would love. Second one was one you could take home to mom and she would say "Why?" And what one do you think gave this girls tingles....you are right, that latter wins.

We had a wonderful time talking about everything (I hit all the stuff you are not supposta talk about on a first date/meet) from kids to politics and a little touch on religion, form lifes struggles. It was nice, I learned a lot about him, as he me. We talked so much I lost track of time; I needed to get my girls off the bus. He walked me to my car, gave me a great big bear hug...it felt so nice to be held like that, so close and tight. I had a hard time letting go, so did he. Then a kiss followed.... a lovely sweet, passionate kiss, making me weak in the knees. I could've stayed there for all of time, so nice and cozy. But thy children awaited thy mother... thus we had to part ways.

We talked on the phone that night, getting to know each other even better. Of course at this point sex came up, which open the doors for me to feel him out, and he I. We discussed a little of our likes and dislikes...and found out we both like to make the other happy. Should be a win/win for sure. Then we talked again last night and got a little more in depth, I got to open a bit more about my kinky likes...he did not hang up. lol

He began to encourage me to share more...and that is not easy for me to do, expressed seeing as I really like him. I did tell more about the more extreme stuff and he was fine with it. Even said he would like to explore that side of me with him. We shall see.

I am a happy girls as of now, smiling from ear to ear.

But of course the little voice in my head is filling me with all of the negative thoughts. The "he is using you, all he wants is one thing, he does not want to get to know you, he is telling you a bunch of lies, run, run, run!!!" Yes that is what the voice is saying, and I don't want to listen.

This is where I am at in my dating game.

Oh yeah I had a wonderful night Saturday with some amazing kinky sex. Unfortunately that man does not make me weak in the knees and tingly inside. Funny how stuff works out.

Music, All About Pain.

I have been busy doing not much of anything at all.

Some music I like, both songs on the darker side of love.

Six Days of Grace "Pain" 

How I can relate on so many levels.

Eminem and Rihanna with "Love the Way You Lie" the ultimate toxic relationship that one can't seem to kick, just like a drug...up and down then up again. Been there, can't say I enjoyed the ride. 

Dating UpDate

I had 3 dates this week.

The first date, was a man half my age...he was super nice and we had a lot to talk about but the age difference does bother me. I had told him that and he understands but we both agreed that we would like to continue to talk as friends. He also gives
great insight into the male mind that boggles me so.

The second date was with a man who was quite norrotic, but very entertaining  We ended up spending the afternoon together and I truly enjoyed myself but I do not see much potential and I don't think he did as well.

Third date was this afternoon, we had tons to talk about and he relates as a Dom/sadist but there was no connection there for me, and you can not fake a connection; at least I can't. 

Tomorrow I am going to see the guy I met last monday for a mee/date. I shall see where that goes. I like him we have enough in common and he is willing to venture more into my kink. I am slightly afraid I will scare him, I guess I will see with in time.

I can't visit with my subbie this week for my Aunt Flow decided to make an appearance so we have to put that off for next week.

I have a million thoughts running through my head, but can't seem to get them in writing. Maybe tomorrow, not like anyone is looking forward to any of my senseless ramblings lol But they always help me put perspective on things.

Vulnerable

 I am too submissive, to masochistic... I am too much. That is where I find I am comfortable and knowing that leaves me vulnerable. I am frighten of the vulnerability, I feel overly exposed. I am weary, I am insecure, I am small, and I don't like that. Where are my walls? Why can't I shove the feeling down, down deep inside as I have done before, why not anymore?

Self-discovery has been a bit overwhelming, but Pandora’s Box is open... and you all know once Pandora is released she will wreak havoc as she seeks. I know there is no going back, and with that I have regrets though I try not to live my life with regrets, yet they still are there. 

I wish I didn't answer his e-mail, I wish I did not wake him up before I left the morning after our first meeting. I wish I did not push for it. I wish for more but wishes are fairy tales and what is done, is done and Pandora has spoken so now I lie broken, hands to the air...cursing asking what have I done, what have I done to me.

There is no quick fix to this...I have been vulnerable before... though at that time I was able to withdraw into my own private world. This time is different, different than before. This time I have the knowledge to allow it to be more.

I cannot run, I cannot hide, I cannot disappear back into my inside. I am vulnerable and with that knowledge  I shall cry....and hopefully with the tears I can release my fears.

My Music Picks for The Week

Here are two great female musicians.  

Portishead "Glory Box"

This song is so sexy, describing the ponmanam of the women.  

Lily Allen "Not Fair"

I laughed so hard when I first grasped what she was singing about.