April 3, 2013


 I am too submissive, to masochistic... I am too much. That is where I find I am comfortable and knowing that leaves me vulnerable. I am frighten of the vulnerability, I feel overly exposed. I am weary, I am insecure, I am small, and I don't like that. Where are my walls? Why can't I shove the feeling down, down deep inside as I have done before, why not anymore?

Self-discovery has been a bit overwhelming, but Pandora’s Box is open... and you all know once Pandora is released she will wreak havoc as she seeks. I know there is no going back, and with that I have regrets though I try not to live my life with regrets, yet they still are there. 

I wish I didn't answer his e-mail, I wish I did not wake him up before I left the morning after our first meeting. I wish I did not push for it. I wish for more but wishes are fairy tales and what is done, is done and Pandora has spoken so now I lie broken, hands to the air...cursing asking what have I done, what have I done to me.

There is no quick fix to this...I have been vulnerable before... though at that time I was able to withdraw into my own private world. This time is different, different than before. This time I have the knowledge to allow it to be more.

I cannot run, I cannot hide, I cannot disappear back into my inside. I am vulnerable and with that knowledge  I shall cry....and hopefully with the tears I can release my fears.


  1. Anna May: Bunches and bunches of hugs to you. No, perhaps you can't close the lid on the box..but you can slow down. If you feel overwhelm and its all going to fast, then take some time and slow down. Allow yourself to feel this through, give yourself a little space before jumping into the fray. Both the fray and the box aren't going anywhere. Being vulnerable isn't a bad thing. It can be scary but it is an important part of self-growth, at the very least. Its just learning how to live with those realizations that can trip us up ::
    It is possible to be vulnerable and have walls. To be vulnerable and strong. To be vulnerable with new knowledge and thoughts.

    1. Thank you Bleuame for a new perspective on being vulnerable. I agree that being vulnerable is a form of growth, and I do need to accept it and embrace it for what it is. I also need to realize how lucky I am to be able to be vulnerable and not push it away as I have before.