Delete and Re... delete

I am pissed at myself! I just have to play around with stuff, try to see what goes where,  how to do this, how to do that, delete and repeat; thinking maybe I can get it all back if I just un do what I just did....well it is not that simple at least that is what I learned.

Well!!

I was going through my pics on my google profile, I did not want anything risky to go on my page, so I deleted the pictures from this blog and realizing by deleting the pictures that they would all go off my blog, so I undid what I did, thinking that they would all magically reappear, they did not...no luck, and the shit and giggles part is that I just noticed yesterday, and well  I deleted and undeleted the pictures weeks ago....and no I am not blond. It seems curiosity got the best of me.

SO!!!

I have to go through all my post, I have erase all the little minus signs (the minus signs make me nuts), and delete all post that had just pictures because I am too lazy to go back and put it all together again...though a few I did because they were easy to find.

SO!!!

Here I am going through post after post,
deleting, and undeleting.


Uggghhh....

I would rather be doing something else, like nothing at all lol

Admitting to Not Admitting At All. AKTB Just Another Confusing Rant.

Writers block sucks!

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to add, I am still so new at this TTWD. I am uncertain as to where to go with this, uncertain in what I want. One day I think I know and the next I question myself as to whether that is truly what I want. I am a mix bag of all kinds of nuts.

I have a good Dom, he is wonderful in so many ways, I love him and for me that is hard to say. But I fear that he does not have it in him to love me back. I fear he will never be able to give me what I crave. Most of all I fear he is incapable of handling my kind of crazy.

And.....

I know in due time I will push again,

I will push to see if he can take it,

I will push to see if he cares enough to walk me through it

I will push to make him see me,

to pay attention to me.

I push like a child,

like a dog begging to be noticed,

begging for the touch,

begging for the acceptance.

I become needy in my wanting,

impatient in my waiting,

I want what I want,

yet I will not admit to wanting at all.

I become weak in my perceived strength,

I become weak in my denial of who I am

I fight the fight that defeats me;

It seems I can not learn the lesson that is being taught to me,

so I am doomed to repeat the course over

and over again.

I grow tired.

I become worn to the the point of break;

I hold on to the last remaining thread of sanity,

I hold on in hope he will see right through me.  

Good God of all I think I need a Sanit.

Just Popping In.

 Winter here has been so long, so cold and grey; finely the sun is shining, and we are above freezing. I feel like putting on a sundress and dancing in the still snowy ground before it all melts away.

But as anyone knows who lives up north, the weather can change with the drop of a hat. One day can be warm and sunny then next grey and snowing. Still I won't complain for the summer heat is much worse to me.

All is good with me and Jay, the last time I saw him was the most vanilla we have ever been which for me was a nice change of pace. It felt good just to be close to him, feeling him next to me, and chatting, which is something I need to be able to be more open and able to communicate my feelings to him.

I am trying to accept things for what they are with Jay, I am trying to be more understanding and trusting of him. I am trying to stay out of my head. I am trying not to project what he is feeling, so far I have been able to though the voices in my head can make it difficult at times.

I have not been feeling very submissive as of late, and I am questioning if it is truly what I am. I don't know if I am fighting it with in my subconscious, or fear giving so much of myself to one person and suffering the consequences when it all falls to crap.

I guess what will be, will be, and it will be in its own time....just need to ride the wave till it crashes and burns then catch the new wave to ride to a new place once again.

Fifth Rant; Letting Go

Letting go seems to be a problem of mine. I tend to hold on to emotions for way too long. Now when it comes to stuff, Tangible objects, I can let go with a blink of the eye. Yet when I am caused pain, or have caused someone else pain, it eats away at me, it enters my brain like a cancer eating away all that is good and replacing it with bad.

Now I know we all have had our hard knocks, some people have had more hard knocks than others. I know that there are many people that move on and pass their failures, pass their hurts, pass their fears....but not I.

I cherish my cancer and feed it well, I give my cancer all the fuel it needs to grow and it grows, and grows till it takes over and the emotions are so strong that they become unbearable.

I have been questioning myself to why I hold on to negative emotions. I have wondered if I am an emotional masochist, or that I may use strong painful emotions as a muse, to my writing poetry and art. I wonder if it may have to do with feeling guilty, that maybe if I punish myself long enough I will be forgiven (by who? Sad but true, who is me).  

The one thing I hold on to with all that is me, the one thing that eats away at me, prevents me from moving on and being truly with another man, is the loss of my children’s father. I refuse to forgive myself for the day he died. I hold on to him, hoping I could bring him back. I hold on to the guilt of not doing enough the day he died. I hate myself, for not seeing that he was dying, for not calling 911 sooner. I keep on thinking if I did he would still be alive.

But fact is even if I called sooner it still would have been too late. His heart was failing after a night of smoking crack cocaine. There was too much in his system, he took his addiction to the edge of no return.

I remember like it was yesterday holding his head on my lap as he was dying (which I did not know at the time). I remember telling him...."love you have hit rock bottom" he acknowledging and agreed, neither of us realizing that this rock bottom was something he would never come back from.

I remember everything that happened that day, I remember every detail. Every time I play that tape in my head, I am reliving that day over, and over again. And funniest thing, I like it, even with all the pain I feel, it allows me to have him, even if it is in my head and the worst day of my life. Better that than nothing at all.

But I have been realizing, with in the past couple of months that by not letting go, I am unable to let anyone else in. I am punishing myself over and over and forgetting how to live, how to be with something real, something that is not a ghost.

I am though working on letting go, last night the day he died snuck up in my head, and I ask myself why? I thought about it and realized I hang on because I feel I have control over it. I tend to do it when I am feeling out of control. This time I stopped myself, I allowed the feeling to pass me by, let it seep through me and to my amazement it left as quick as it came.

That is one of the biggest things I hold on to. There are many little things as well, but I feel if I conquer this one, I can conquer the rest with ease. Most difficult first and the little ones will feel like nothing.

  

Got Some Time with Mr. Jay

J and I got together finally after a month without seeing each other.

We went very dark this time that is something we have not done in months.

It was a very intense scene, lots of degrading and lots of humiliation. He took me to some places I really did not want to visit but places I needed to. I have insecurity’s with me being as sexual as I am and my assuming that men only see that with in me. He went there full on, I cried like a baby, sobbing. But I did not get pissed, I usually get pissed and saucy with him, in which is incredibly thrilling to me, I like to push him as much as he likes to push me. This time not so much, I still felt guilty for hurting him, and in a way I felt I needed to take it to release the guilt and let it go.

The sexual humiliation did not bother me, but the verbal humiliation sliced in like a knife. There were words said that I did not want him to say. Stupid is one of my no, no's, not a big fan of worthless, not so much into "not good for anything but my holes” after worthless being used (don't mind that one, even love it, just not with worthless), definitely do not like being told I am mediocre in between the sheets. With all that added together all I heard in my head was "no one will ever love you because you do not deserve to be, because you are a worthless slut" mind you he never quite said that.

In the beginning I trusted he did not mean anything he was saying, in the middle I got doubtful and started thinking maybe he means it. Towards the end, I felt he meant it. I got scared, the first time I have ever felt fear, not fear that he would hurt me physically but fear he would hurt me emotionally, right there. My defiance started to show, I smirk when I feel defiance, I get a power trip but he manage this time to keep that defiance at bay; it also helped that I felt guilty for hurting him, the more I took showed I was remorseful. 

He broke me! In my head I am unbreakable, but he broke me.... I am breakable.

He was also more assertive with the belt, hitting every sore spot, lashing my back, lower and upper, getting the soft part on my hips (i am all kids of red, purple and green). He showed no care what's so ever. He mocked my red, he disrespected my yellow.

I started to fear he would not bring me back, fear that he would leave me all alone. Just use me, till I was no longer use to him.

 Silly girl with her irrational fears of course he would bring me back and he did brought me back, surprising pretty quick. Within minutes I was lovely lady again.

Underneath it all I never truly believed he did not care, the fear was there but also there were hints that some of what he was doing was not stuff he really enjoyed, it seemed to me that the verbal humiliation was not really his cup of tea.

We cuddled and talked after word. I apologized for disrespecting and hurting him, which he had forgiven me weeks ago for. He of course told me that every bad word he spoke to me was untrue, that the opposite was true of all words said.

We talked about the reasons why I wanted to end it, he told me how it made him feel, and he realized I never intended on hurting him with the email I wrote him. We talked about how I need to communicate with him, and not get stuck in my head. We talked about what our relationship is, and where we are at, about what he needed from me, about what he cannot give me, and what he can give me. And I told him what I wanted from him for the time being and what I want in the long run.

Clarity works wonders for me, just knowing what he wants/needs of me, what he cannot give to me, and what he can give me. Knowing where his head is at on all that is going on in his life, is freeing for me. Now I know where I stand, and no longer need to guess.

Communication does work wonders, yet it is still so hard to do.

*Disclaimer* I told him to push me beyond my limits even after calling red. He had permission to push me beyond some light boundaries. I wanted him to break me, my words were "I want to feel used and spent" challenge was accomplished. Also we needed me to understand that he is not using me, and would always respect me as a person and as a friend. Almost there....