J and I got together finally after a month without seeing each other.
We went very dark this time that is something we have not done in months.
It was a very intense scene, lots of degrading and lots of humiliation. He took me to some places I really did not want to visit but places I needed to. I have insecurity’s with me being as sexual as I am and my assuming that men only see that with in me. He went there full on, I cried like a baby, sobbing. But I did not get pissed, I usually get pissed and saucy with him, in which is incredibly thrilling to me, I like to push him as much as he likes to push me. This time not so much, I still felt guilty for hurting him, and in a way I felt I needed to take it to release the guilt and let it go.
The sexual humiliation did not bother me, but the verbal humiliation sliced in like a knife. There were words said that I did not want him to say. Stupid is one of my no, no's, not a big fan of worthless, not so much into "not good for anything but my holes” after worthless being used (don't mind that one, even love it, just not with worthless), definitely do not like being told I am mediocre in between the sheets. With all that added together all I heard in my head was "no one will ever love you because you do not deserve to be, because you are a worthless slut" mind you he never quite said that.
In the beginning I trusted he did not mean anything he was saying, in the middle I got doubtful and started thinking maybe he means it. Towards the end, I felt he meant it. I got scared, the first time I have ever felt fear, not fear that he would hurt me physically but fear he would hurt me emotionally, right there. My defiance started to show, I smirk when I feel defiance, I get a power trip but he manage this time to keep that defiance at bay; it also helped that I felt guilty for hurting him, the more I took showed I was remorseful.
He broke me! In my head I am unbreakable, but he broke me.... I am breakable.
He was also more assertive with the belt, hitting every sore spot, lashing my back, lower and upper, getting the soft part on my hips (i am all kids of red, purple and green). He showed no care what's so ever. He mocked my red, he disrespected my yellow.
I started to fear he would not bring me back, fear that he would leave me all alone. Just use me, till I was no longer use to him.
Silly girl with her irrational fears of course he would bring me back and he did brought me back, surprising pretty quick. Within minutes I was lovely lady again.
Underneath it all I never truly believed he did not care, the fear was there but also there were hints that some of what he was doing was not stuff he really enjoyed, it seemed to me that the verbal humiliation was not really his cup of tea.
We cuddled and talked after word. I apologized for disrespecting and hurting him, which he had forgiven me weeks ago for. He of course told me that every bad word he spoke to me was untrue, that the opposite was true of all words said.
We talked about the reasons why I wanted to end it, he told me how it made him feel, and he realized I never intended on hurting him with the email I wrote him. We talked about how I need to communicate with him, and not get stuck in my head. We talked about what our relationship is, and where we are at, about what he needed from me, about what he cannot give me, and what he can give me. And I told him what I wanted from him for the time being and what I want in the long run.
Clarity works wonders for me, just knowing what he wants/needs of me, what he cannot give to me, and what he can give me. Knowing where his head is at on all that is going on in his life, is freeing for me. Now I know where I stand, and no longer need to guess.
Communication does work wonders, yet it is still so hard to do.
*Disclaimer* I told him to push me beyond my limits even after calling red. He had permission to push me beyond some light boundaries. I wanted him to break me, my words were "I want to feel used and spent" challenge was accomplished. Also we needed me to understand that he is not using me, and would always respect me as a person and as a friend. Almost there....