February 20, 2014

Admitting to Not Admitting At All. AKTB Just Another Confusing Rant.

Writers block sucks!

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to add, I am still so new at this TTWD. I am uncertain as to where to go with this, uncertain in what I want. One day I think I know and the next I question myself as to whether that is truly what I want. I am a mix bag of all kinds of nuts.

I have a good Dom, he is wonderful in so many ways, I love him and for me that is hard to say. But I fear that he does not have it in him to love me back. I fear he will never be able to give me what I crave. Most of all I fear he is incapable of handling my kind of crazy.


I know in due time I will push again,
I will push to see if he can take it,
I will push to see if he cares enough to walk me through it
I will push to make him see me,
to pay attention to me.
I push like a child,
like a dog begging to be noticed,
begging for the touch,
begging for the acceptance.
I become needy in my wanting,
impatient in my waiting,
I want what I want,
yet I will not admit to wanting at all.
I become weak in my perceived strength,
I become weak in my denial of who I am
I fight the fight that defeats me;
It seems I can not learn the lesson that is being taught to me,
so I am doomed to repeat the course over
and over again.
I grow tired.
I become worn to the the point of break;
I hold on to the last remaining thread of sanity,
I hold on in hope he will see right through me.  

Good God of all I think I need a Sanit.


  1. Ugh! I totally understand. I know part of submission is handing over control but I have so much trouble not pushing and manipulating to get what I want. After I do this, I feel horrible and distraught and promise to never do it again but sure enough the whole stupid cycle starts over again! I wish I had some sage advice for you but unfortunately I have yet to figure out. I can commiserate though...

    1. Thank you Betsy, it is nice to know that I am not the only one that struggles with it.