Admitting to Not Admitting At All. AKTB Just Another Confusing Rant.

Writers block sucks!

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to add, I am still so new at this TTWD. I am uncertain as to where to go with this, uncertain in what I want. One day I think I know and the next I question myself as to whether that is truly what I want. I am a mix bag of all kinds of nuts.

I have a good Dom, he is wonderful in so many ways, I love him and for me that is hard to say. But I fear that he does not have it in him to love me back. I fear he will never be able to give me what I crave. Most of all I fear he is incapable of handling my kind of crazy.

And.....

I know in due time I will push again,

I will push to see if he can take it,

I will push to see if he cares enough to walk me through it

I will push to make him see me,

to pay attention to me.

I push like a child,

like a dog begging to be noticed,

begging for the touch,

begging for the acceptance.

I become needy in my wanting,

impatient in my waiting,

I want what I want,

yet I will not admit to wanting at all.

I become weak in my perceived strength,

I become weak in my denial of who I am

I fight the fight that defeats me;

It seems I can not learn the lesson that is being taught to me,

so I am doomed to repeat the course over

and over again.

I grow tired.

I become worn to the the point of break;

I hold on to the last remaining thread of sanity,

I hold on in hope he will see right through me.  

Good God of all I think I need a Sanit.